update

So I've started working again. Full time, Mon-Fri. It's been really tough to be away from Maggie, but such is the life of a single mom. I can't remember if I've said it before, but I get angry at my ex for making me be a single mom, you know? But what is there to do about it...nothing.

It's even harder when it's her weekends at her dad's. I don't see her all week then I don't see her all weekend!  But I do enjoy the time off.

Anyways, my new job is wonderful! I like the people, the building, the perks and the hours! I'm glad to be back in the world of adult conversations, real world life skills and the work force.

So I'm sorry to not be writing much, but that's my best update for tonight. Maybe there will be another one soon. Maggie girl is so sick right now, and I'm just exhausted...

ta-ta for now, friends.

back to work...

A year ago I would have told you that I could not miss anything like I missed my husband at that time. In the throws of a divorce, pregnant with our little girl, and trying to piece together the shards of a broken life.

Tomorrow is my last day as a stay at home mom with my little girl. 13 months and she has not left my side. We have spent a total of 5 full days apart. 

Tonight, I cannot tell you how incredible the heart break feels to leave her Monday morning, send her to a sitter, and go off to work for a full day. I know the changes will be hard on both of us. 

I never thought it was possible to love someone so completely and totally, and miss someone quite like I know I'm going to miss her.

I guess it's sort of more than normal. Her and I have been to hell and back this last year. And I am so incredibly grateful that she will never know the amounts of hurt and pain and just crap that we've had to walk through. She is the only thing that kept me from shutting down and just giving up for a while.

While I am relieved, for lack of better words, that my marriage is over, it still hurts. There are still days that I want to tell some stupid joke to the person who was my best friend for years. There are days I get so angry because something reminds me of him and of the affair partner and I get so angry at them for breaking up beautiful friendships and families. There are days I look at my daughter and her face just screams "I am his daughter" and I can't handle how much she looks and acts like him. But most days I am okay. Most days I am thankful to be out of that relationship. I am thankful for my daughter's life and that for the most part she is healthy, she is always happy, and she will always be loved. 

I have been given an incredible job opportunity, and I know it is time to get back to real life. I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother. So, for now, I get to be mom, and someday again hopefully wife. I am just so thankful for all the help I have with Maggie from family and even friends. I am thankful for this job that I will have nights and weekends off. I'm just thankful.

At 25 years old I experienced the biggest storm of my life. A storm that most people never experience and one I wouldn't wish on anyone. But through it all, God has kept his promises to me and Maggie, and He has provided and guided and protected, every single step. And now it is time to come back to the land of the living.

I know this blog is a little all over the place, the moral of the story is this: I'm not totally ready to go back to work and I'm really gonna miss Maggie, so please say a prayer for us. Me: to be able to handle all of this without tears, and to have energy again to make it through the long boring day of a desk job. Maggie: that she won't completely melt down, like we all know she will, and that she will enjoy her new daycare. And also that we can get her diet straightened out. It's all over the place. and Also for my parents: They will be part time care takers for Maggie while I'm working, and she is a handful. So pray for them as well.

I hope you all have a great week. Remember to be thankful for even the littlest things.

Just a quick thank you

Today I received a gift in the mail. It is a beautiful print from a company called Naptime Diaries and it's a print of Luke 1:45
"Blessed is she who has believed that the Lord would fulfill his promises to her"

To the dear sweet friend who thought of me, listened to that nudge, and sent this our way, I cannot thank you enough.

Today, on the eve of my little one's first birthday, my emotions have run wild. Today I had a big interview at the University in town. It was for a really great position. But halfway through the second interview of the day I just felt this nudge, this push, saying "this isn't the job for you." I finished all 3 parts of the interview and called my mom and told her that this job just isn't for me. They are still interviewing for another 2 weeks, so we'll see what happens later. But I am definitely feeling pulled in a different direction....but I don't know what that direction is yet!

Anyways! Today I asked God for 2 signs, and this, my dear friend, was one of them. I just asked for some clarity and a path.. My life has felt so...insecure, crazy, chaotic, overwhelming.... And lately something has really been laid on my heart, and I believe that he will be faithful to fulfill the promise of that something.

So, as I sit here and look at the already framed print and thank God for loving, kind people in my life, I want to thank you specifically. For thinking of and loving me and my Maggie girl in this time of desperation and uncertainty. Thank you for knowing that this week, more than ever, I have needed the encouragement, the promises, and the love that can only come from Christ in us.

Until next time, xo

It's not the end, it's a new beginning

Divorce is not the end. It's just a bump in the road. A terrible messy blow all the tires out and total the car bump, but a bump nonetheless. People get through this. You will survive.

Today my divorce was finalized. And just  like that, the signing of a paper, a stamp pressed on- an entire marriage is demolished, ended, over.

I've written and deleted this post 3 times now. I've thought of clever things to say, I've vented in anger and hurt. And when it comes down to it, it's as simple as this:

over 2 years ago my husband left. He left for someone else. I should have stopped then and just let him walk away but I continued to fight for my marriage until today. Until I was forced otherwise. Over the course of two years though, I have seen him move on with his life, I have seen the things that you can't see up close when you are in the relationship and I've realized some things.

1. Jesus saves. Jesus redeems. Jesus loves. Jesus Is.

Jesus Jesus Jesus. That is the only name by which we are saved. He is the only one to guide me, love me endlessly, and take my burdens and share my load. 

2. Life goes on. People survive affairs. People survive divorce. 

It is all messy and horrible. There are affairs and then there are those who decide if they're going to have an affair that they are going to go all out and as bad as they can make it. And I would never wish the situation I've been through on my worst enemy. I know life could be worse: but until you go through a divorce, you can never understand the pain and the type of hurt that that kind of rejection brings.

3. Motherhood is exhausting

Whether you're single or not, motherhood is down right exhausting. And the sadness felt over your child not having a father around daily is painful. And the depth of sadness of losing everything but not being able to take a day to yourself to mourn your loss is depressing. But that smile and that little giggle of that little girl when you walk in the room can brighten even the darkest time. 

4. There are small joys to be appreciated:

I get to listen to whatever I want on the radio. I get to sleep on the other side of the bed. I get to watch whatever I feel like on TV. I get to try different and new foods. I get to decorate how I want. I get to wear my favorite dress because I don't think it's ugly, it's pretty dang cute if you ask me. 

5. Life is still good. 

While I have lost my job, my home, my dog and my husband. I have gained my independence, my faith, my strength and my life back. There is so much in life to be happy about. To be joyful about. To be thankful about. God is good all the time. All the time God is good. He has provided and kept me in his hands. He has guided my every step through this process. He knows my heart and He knows my thoughts. He loves me with an unending, unfailing love. He will never leave me, He will never hurt me, He will always be good and right. And I am so happy to be so in love with such an amazing God. I am so prepared and excited to be able to follow his call on my life, and go where He sends me. I am so ready to be a wife and a mother who can raise my children to know of God's love for them and that His works are good. 

So today while I quietly sit and cry and write and try to figure out this new road I'm on, I won't forget that there is still good in the world. There is still a full life to live, not only for myself but also for Maggie. There are birthdays to be had, trips to be taken, and so so much life left to live. While I am sad over the loss of my marriage, I am ready to move on and leave the past behind me. 

Today our family is officially -1. And today I'm okay with that. 

Update

The recent weeks have been very tough.

We signed final divorce papers 2 weeks ago.

That's my update. My feelings are as to be expected from the ending of a marriage one fought for years to save. Complete and utter disappointment, hurt and fear.

But Jesus redeems. Jesus loves. Jesus cares.
When it feels like no one else is, Jesus is there.

I'll update more soon. It's been a tough few weeks.
But we'll be just fine, my Maggie girl and I.

Say "Geronimo!"

Two years ago my entire world fell crumbling apart. No, not fell apart, got completely blown apart, like an atom bomb unexpectedly landing in the very center of our tiny seemingly secure family.

My husband had an affair.

Cue atom bomb.


Completely blindsided and left in the dark on the matter, I was left to myself to teach myself all those little things one takes for granted. Changing light bulbs in special lights, checking the oil in the car, putting air in my tires, tools- and what tool goes for what problem. BUGS- most importantly Spiders. Ugh. (I can honestly say I am proud of my standoffs with spiders, even if they last much longer than needed, I eventually get the job done, paying bills, passwords for well, everything...you get the point. In that time though, I also learned to lean heavily of the love of Jesus. The absolute only being that could bring me peace in such a trying time.

::Here is where I will break from my path and clear the air: IN NO WAY AM I BASHING MY HUSBAND. This is the fact of the matter and I am tired of being ashamed of it, I am tired of holding the guilt from it. I am tired of reliving the pain and burden of it every single day. I loved him with everything I had, and I care for him and always will as the father of my child. But what I learned is that if God is not at the center, it doesn't make for a very good marriage. Second thing- My husband and I had a child together. She is not someone else's. I have been asked this an insane amount of times. We decided to work at our marriage again, and in the process I got pregnant. We split up for good in May and she was born in August.
I will not allow people to say I did not try my hardest to make this marriage work. I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and for better or for worse. I believe in the vows I took and the covenant I made. But sometimes, you don't have a choice.::

Over the last two years I have learned more about who I am and what I want out of life than in the previous 25 years. I want to be a family who knows God and serves God without hesitation, without question. I want to be a family who prays together, I want to have a husband I can trust to hear and follow what God is saying is best for us. I want to raise my daughter to know the love of Jesus, I want to show her what health, respect, and Godly love and marriage and family is like.

I don't know what the future holds for Maggie and me. There is a divorce in process as of last month. I am grateful that she won't have to know the pain and feeling of abandonment that comes with the splitting up of a family. But I am sad that for now, she won't know the security of a single family unit. While I know a relationship isn't everything, we do pray for God to send us that man that he will entrust with our hearts. (I'm only 27, I'm not gonna stay single forever). And we pray that we can find our way back to a sense of normalcy. I have moved across the country 4 times in the last 2 years and I am ready to be finished moving, settled in a place we love (which we aren't quite there yet) and moving on with our life.

Satan will do everything he can to break apart marriages. And sometimes he wins the battle, but he doesn't have to win the war.

God has not let us down, he has carried me every step of the way- providing in ways I never thought possible- and He won't make us fight this alone.

2 years ago to the week, my husband had an affair that tore apart all sense of security and trust I had. The one person in the whole world who wasn't supposed to hurt me, hurt me the most. So here is to a new year. A new age. A new home. A new baby. A new, different, single life. A mom life. A life following where God will send me, do what he tells me, Praise him through the storm and as he brings me out of it, and trust Jeremiah 29:11 " For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

God is good all the time. All the time God is good.
Selah.