Tomorrow is my last day as a stay at home mom with my little girl. 13 months and she has not left my side. We have spent a total of 5 full days apart.
Tonight, I cannot tell you how incredible the heart break feels to leave her Monday morning, send her to a sitter, and go off to work for a full day. I know the changes will be hard on both of us.
I never thought it was possible to love someone so completely and totally, and miss someone quite like I know I'm going to miss her.
I guess it's sort of more than normal. Her and I have been to hell and back this last year. And I am so incredibly grateful that she will never know the amounts of hurt and pain and just crap that we've had to walk through. She is the only thing that kept me from shutting down and just giving up for a while.
While I am relieved, for lack of better words, that my marriage is over, it still hurts. There are still days that I want to tell some stupid joke to the person who was my best friend for years. There are days I get so angry because something reminds me of him and of the affair partner and I get so angry at them for breaking up beautiful friendships and families. There are days I look at my daughter and her face just screams "I am his daughter" and I can't handle how much she looks and acts like him. But most days I am okay. Most days I am thankful to be out of that relationship. I am thankful for my daughter's life and that for the most part she is healthy, she is always happy, and she will always be loved.
I have been given an incredible job opportunity, and I know it is time to get back to real life. I have always wanted to be a wife and a mother. So, for now, I get to be mom, and someday again hopefully wife. I am just so thankful for all the help I have with Maggie from family and even friends. I am thankful for this job that I will have nights and weekends off. I'm just thankful.
At 25 years old I experienced the biggest storm of my life. A storm that most people never experience and one I wouldn't wish on anyone. But through it all, God has kept his promises to me and Maggie, and He has provided and guided and protected, every single step. And now it is time to come back to the land of the living.
I know this blog is a little all over the place, the moral of the story is this: I'm not totally ready to go back to work and I'm really gonna miss Maggie, so please say a prayer for us. Me: to be able to handle all of this without tears, and to have energy again to make it through the long boring day of a desk job. Maggie: that she won't completely melt down, like we all know she will, and that she will enjoy her new daycare. And also that we can get her diet straightened out. It's all over the place. and Also for my parents: They will be part time care takers for Maggie while I'm working, and she is a handful. So pray for them as well.
I hope you all have a great week. Remember to be thankful for even the littlest things.
