Over the last couple weeks I have learned what it really
means to truly be a single mom.
When my husband left me at 7months pregnant, I became a
single mother. When our daughter was born, I waited two weeks then moved 800
miles away. I have been extremely blessed with family who has been happy to
help.
When I first moved away, I moved into his parent’s house. They
were so gracious to let me live there. I didn’t have a job, any savings, and I
had a new born with a special diet (She has PKU, leading to a VERY strict
diet). They had the room for us to live there, and have two rooms and a
bathroom for ourselves. Even though I lived in their house, they both worked
and I was alone with Maggie until 8pm every night. And when they got home, they
would take her while I scarfed down some dinner, and by that time she was
usually throwing a fit because it was her bedtime. Essentially I was a single
mother in that aspect. But never have I struggled. They bought my food, my
clothes, Maggie’s diapers and all of our other needs. Until she was 9 months
old we drove 2.5 hours to her doctor’s appointments. Luckily, my parents live
20 minutes from her doctor’s office. So every week we would do 3 days at my
parents around her appointments, 3 days at home- my in-laws house- and one day
travelling. At my parents there was a room set up for me and Maggie. We had a
bed and a dresser and whatever else I could fit to store in there for the time
being. My brother and his family were living there, there just wasn’t the room
for us to stay permanently yet. When I was there, my mom was home and would
often take Maggie so I could have some sleep, or a bath, or eat.
If I didn’t have loving parents, I would have been homeless
with a child. And that’s the simple truth of it. But luckily for all of us kids
in both families, we have parents and families who would never let that happen,
ever. After about 10 months, my divorce was being finalized and my brother and
his family were moving, so I was able to move into my parent’s house. Thus
starts my partial single motherhood.
See, I have never truly been a single mom. I have always had
my Mom, my sister in law or my mother in law around to help. But these last two
weeks I have been completely alone. I have been getting up at 5 and getting
lunches packed and clothes picked out, leaving the house by 645 to get Maggie
to daycare (most mornings kicking and screaming right now), to get to work by 8
to open. I leave work at 430 to go get Maggie, and get home by 6 every evening.
By that time Maggie is glued to my hip, while I try to get dinner made, and I
let her destroy the house. Most nights she is asleep by 830/9 and I sit in
quiet until about 930, get up and do some cleaning to restore the mess that has
been made, and get to bed myself. There is no free time, there are no hot
meals, and I don’t know the last time I had a shower. I don’t know how truly
single moms get anything done. I understand that every mom has the same
struggles. And I understand that I get a break for one or two nights every
other weekend. But the daily grind, the real daily struggles- are so hard.
My parents have been out of town, and I work full time. This
week Maggie’s daycare was closed twice. I had to take one full day off of work
(luckily paid sick leave). The second day I managed to finagle a half day, but
I had to pay a sitter. Which means I paid twice for that one half day of
sitting, technically I paid $55 for Maggie to be watched from 730-1230. I only
made $52 on that day of work, so technically I lost money. One of our workers
is out of town this weekend, I was supposed to work a couple evenings this
week, but since my parents are out of town there isn’t anyone to watch the
girl. So I am working on Saturday. I will only make $52 Saturday. I will have
to pay at least $25 for a day of daycare. If I did not have the family I have,
I would not be able to afford daily life. I wouldn’t be able to afford to work,
therefore I would be on government help, and then I would be judged as lazy or
abusing the system. I get so angry when people say things like that. Not
everyone has the luxuries I have, sometimes they really need the help.
Along with this just being a basically rough week, Maggie
threw her first real temper tantrum last night. She literally laid on her
stomach, kicking her feet and throwing her arms and shaking her head and
yelling with tears just streaming down her face. I stood there just unsure of
how to handle it. She was angry because I changed the channel on the TV. I won’t
lie, I let her throw her fit for a few minutes then I turned her cartoon back
on. I couldn’t handle it last night. I know that wasn’t the right thing to do,
and I know I will need to figure out how to handle that, and get her through
these next two frustrating years. But she knows that her cartoons
(Happykids.tv, its nursery rhymes and such) is a special thing, and that she
doesn’t always just get to watch them (That and after about 4 songs, they get
terribly annoying). She’s just really testing her limits with me. And I
understand that. She spends 8 hours a day, Monday thru Friday at the sitter’s
house, and every other weekend at her Dad’s. Both places have other kids at
them, so she gets to play and do all sorts of things. The other weekends and
evenings it’s just me and her and some nights I am too tired to sit and play,
and it’s tough on both of us. We do get some time in reading our favorite books
every night. I hope she still loves reading when she’s older.
I did survive last night’s tantrum. Which she tried to
continue this morning when I took her waffle out of her hand to put her coat
on. I just looked at her and told her that it wasn’t okay. And surprisingly she
stopped. I know it was a fluke, but she does know what she’s doing. And she’s
definitely got her momma’s attitude.
Anyways, we are back at it all again this morning, and I am
so looking forward to my parents coming home 1-because that will mean my mom is
doing a little better and they are on a right track to getting her healthy
(amen!) and 2-because I might get to take a shower and go to the bathroom in
peace and maybe, just maybe, eat a real meal that’s still warm. I don’t see how
moms of more than one kid all close in age do it, and I admire all moms out
there. And I have a whole new respect for truly single moms who don’t have a
community of people behind them helping them along. My thoughts are with you
through these lonely, tiresome times. You will make it out alive. Just hang in
there.
