Oh, Shonda. DISCLAIMER: if you aren't caught up on Grey's, I suggest not reading this as it's a big spoiler.
I have been watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy for 3 days. It has taken me that long to watch it. Every time I start it something comes up. But I believe that was for the best. The emotion heavy episode of April and Jackson's divorce just seemed to hit a little too close to home for me this week.
It has been one year since I was seemingly forced into filing for divorce. And I am happy to say I have finally moved on. 3 years of separation total. But that scene where April asks Jackson if this is really what he wants was what got me thinking. Just like she did, while fighting to save the marriage, and hoping and doing everything she could, she was putting him first. I'm only talking about after she came home and they decided to work on things. SHE asks HIM if it's what HE wants. And he says yes. She says "okay" and signs the papers. I had that exact conversation, word for word, look for look, tear for tear. We were still putting the other person's feelings first, above our own. Giving them what they wanted.
I hope eventually I won't be angry over my divorce anymore. I know that our marriage was not good anymore. That my ex-husband had checked out years before we divorced. He was never interested in trying. But like April, I found myself pregnant as well. I found myself married and divorced to a man who never had any intention of believing in the same things I do. I guess their relationship has always had a soft spot in my heart because in so many ways it mirrored mine and my Ex's.
Today I can say that the very same God he doesn't want to believe in, is the one who kept me from depression, took away my bitterness, and let me lean on Him to walk me through the worst time of my life. At 25 years old, my husband's affair with someone who had been family for 10 years, rocked my world, his family's world, all our friend's comfort zones and left my family completely shattered in so many ways. I cannot even begin to explain the amount of bitterness, anger, jealousy and even rage that flowed through my body. But can I tell you what is even stronger than all of that? God's grace. God's love. God's hope.
The promises on which I stand, on which my family will be built, are unlike anything any man can offer. The peace of knowing that I have a Father who will carry me and Maggie through this life with his blessings, with his constant care and understanding- the feeling is like no other. The grace on which I stand, that I have been blessed to be offered, is the only thing that has made this situation better. No person, no words, no smiles from my sweet little girl. Grace. Peace. Love. Patience. Kindness and Self Control. I probably missed one. but you get the point. GOD- He is it. He is all.
I am no longer angry or bitter at David. I am hurt, and I imagine I always will be. He is finding his happiness with a new family, but that does not mean he doesn't remember HIS daughter. He loves her well, like any father loves their child. And that is what it's all about. I am sad that it didn't work out with the father of my child. But God will bring us a man who is truly after His heart, His ways, and has no intentions of ever straying from the covenant and promise that we will make to each other and to God.
So, here are my thoughts all splattered out here for you to read.
If I can leave you with anything, it's this: God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.
Shalom.
