Monday, September 5, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
I don't ever read over these before I post them. Hope it's good.
Christian music sometimes makes me feel better, hopeful even. But other times it just makes me almost angry. No, I don't buy into the whole "well that's God dealing with you and you being angry" defense mechanism stance. I sometimes feel like Christians use God as a way to blow off peoples feelings and other issues by saying "God will take care of it" or "pray about it." Not to say He doesn't help people. I guess I'm just indifferent to some of the churchy lingo thrown around.
I'm at the absolute weirdest point in my life. The last few days have been so incredibly strange. I miss old things, I long for new. I woke up feeling hurt, guilt, and infatuation all at the same time. I went to bed hopeful for a new day but also missing something I've never had.
Feeling alone is one of the strongest emotions I have ever met. And no matter how tight I hold onto the relationships I do have, sometimes, most times, it feels like I am 100% alone in this world. I have a few friends I see every now and then, one I talk to daily -- but that's superficial texting conversations, maybe a call every couple months, with a person I'm beginning to truly think I may never see in person again. These aren't things I would say are strong relationships. I have two girl friends that I would say I have strong unwavering friendships with. One lives in PA and one lives here. Other than these two women, I don't feel like I truly have anyone out there. I compare to these two who will answer my texts any time of day, who will sit and listen when I need a friend. They have been there for me through every single up and down. We have survived boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, friend-group break ups (again, sorry not sorry I never got that matching tattoo, girl), pregnancies, rebellion (as rebellious as we can be at 28 years old and on our own), crises of faith, just everything. And lately we have put more effort into our friendships and I can't even begin to tell them how much that means to me. These two women are theabsolute exception to everything I'm saying.
When You get married you lose friends. You start a life as a couple and many single friends drop off. Hopefully the real friendships outlive that. But often, it's not intentional loss, but your focus is elsewhere and everyone stops trying.
When you have kids, people often drop out of your life. They don't want to hangout when there's a loud kid around. I get it. And sometimes it's really sad to see that friendships don't survive that.
And when you get divorced, you lose a whole new set of friends. Married couples don't often hang out with a single person. In some cases they do, but it's not the same. Friendships die off. There's no longer that family outing or double dates. You lose mutual friends you made together, people unintentionally take sides.
I don't want to say that I've truly lost people, they still exist, everyone for the most part is on good terms. But the friendships have gone. We've turned into old friends, new acquaintances. But all of this is also just part of growing up and figuring out who you need and want in your life.
The hopeless feeling that comes with loneliness is just so biting. And maybe that comes from having had something you may have thought would last forever, then having it not be there anymore. Maybe it comes from being so used to having someone sleep in your bed and the physical emptiness is this huge reminder that there isn't someone on your side (no pun intended, okay maybe sort of intended). Or maybe it's the lack of someone to smile at and say good morning to first thing, or to cuddle up to and say good night. It's the constant daily reminder that you are doing this on your own. For me it's all of the above but also just not having someone to talk to my day about. Those little things that made you laugh throughout the day, the annoying meeting you had to sit through with the religious lady who is constantly trying to save your soul for Joseph Smith, the student that literally tried to walk out with a 26in Mac like I wouldn't notice. It's the mundane that I miss. That I long for. The boring nights at home-together, the talks about each other's interests, the tv show you have to wait on the other person to watch the next episode or you have committed the ultimate relationship sin.
I know everyone always says that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I think I disagree with that. Why can't you grow into that happiness together? If I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I them, then won't we both start to be happier with ourselves? Does that translate? I feel like it's hard to make sense of what I'm thinking with that. But that's how I feel. Such a huge part of me is loving other people. Is crossing oceans for people just to be sure that they are taken care of. While yes, I will agree, it takes it out of me sometimes to not have people pouring back into me, but I don't believe that means I should stop. I have such a heart for helping others, and believing in others, and loving others, that it doesn't even cross my mind to stop when someone doesn't show gratitude. But that stands to be different in a romantic relationship. I think there needs to be just as much give as there is take in that, otherwise you end up with one person feeling resentment for the other never even asking how their day was. Been there, done that. It's not the way a good relationship works.
There have been quite a few days lately where I have cried over the hopeless pit of loneliness. Where I have put expectations on people and they haven't met them and I get hurt. People are not here to meet our expectations. Some people will never meet them. This fear almost pushed me into getting married this year to someone who was a good good person, but whom I just did not love like he deserved. I think I was blindsided by the truth that someone could truly love me again, and I began to talk myself into settling for a life I didn't totally want because I enjoyed having someone around again. I missed the 10 minute after work phone calls just to say hi real quick, I missed having someone ask about my day or how I was actually holding up. I missed arms wrapped around me from behind and late night chats about anything and everything. I missed the things I used to have so much that I was willing to be with the first person who gave me those things. Loneliness. It makes people do some crazy things.
I believe that at 28 years old I am allowed to be picky about who is in my life. I don't make excuses or lie about it if I drop you out of my life. I don't hide my feelings- good or bad. I'm at this point where I am just tired out. Navigating this messed up "dating" world we live in now is definitely not on the top of my to do list. Give me someone I already know, instead. I have zero interest in going on awkward dates and getting to know all about someone new only to not see them again. That sounds exhausting. Give me a kind, and sweet, bearded (tattoos are always nice too), man who will drink tea with me, and go to the park, and maybe even a museum now and then. Who understands my dark humor and sarcasm but also cracks a smile at all my dumb jokes (even when he hates them). Who will introduce me to new things, who will love my girl as his own. Who wants to move mountains and cross oceans for me like I will for him. Who will go to the local breweries and movie nights with me. Who won't make me do all the driving all the time. Who doesn't judge my past and isn't intimidated by it. Someone who will meet me in my silence when my world feels scary and navigate it with me. Someone who reminds me that they love me. Who is trustworthy and wants to introduce me to his people and his interests but also wants to know mine. Someone who isn't trying to be my hero, I don't need that, but someone who wants to be my friend for life (*someone who wants to be my friend with benefits for life) haha). [1. I realize I just explained almost all of the guys in my life // 2. My spotify playlist is on shuffle and there's literally 2000 songs on it-- and "My head hurts" by Wavves came on. I try not to buy into "signs" from the universe or whatever, but that one was like a slap in the face ;) lol ]
For the first time in my life, I don't understand how to do life. Things are falling into place and out of place at the same time. I have to start thinking about what state I want to live in, if I want to live in an apartment or a house, if I want to commit to a few years or a lifetime in one place. I have to start thinking about Maggie and schooling and health benefits in each state. Not MS schools but not OH for her health. Do I make these decisions for myself and what I think is best or do I listen to and take into account everyone else? This is where I miss having a second half, someone to talk through all the pros and cons with me, to help me make big decisions. I'm starting to realize I don't have time for games. Dating after 30 is like "Are we doing this or not, I got things to do." Same goes for dating at 28 with a kid, a full time job, in grad school, and trying to find something somewhere that makes your life feel worth while. I want to have someone to pour into. To support, to laugh with, to travel with, to do all those things you do with another person. But I also don't want to settle for someone who doesn't meet most if not all of those things. I will be fine on my own. I am fine on my own. I provide for myself, I clean my house, I cook my own food (correction: I can cook, I just don't unless I have to haha), point being- I'm not looking for someone to wait on and be mother to. I'm looking for someone to do life by my side. But even then, I'm not really looking. I'm truly not in any real hurry. I'm dealing with the weird struggle of feeling alone in a big scary world, and if someone comes along and tells me I'm beautiful and calls to talk about my day, I might bat an eye their way.
[and now M+M's by Blink 182 is playing. really, universe?]
I'm at the absolute weirdest point in my life. The last few days have been so incredibly strange. I miss old things, I long for new. I woke up feeling hurt, guilt, and infatuation all at the same time. I went to bed hopeful for a new day but also missing something I've never had.
Feeling alone is one of the strongest emotions I have ever met. And no matter how tight I hold onto the relationships I do have, sometimes, most times, it feels like I am 100% alone in this world. I have a few friends I see every now and then, one I talk to daily -- but that's superficial texting conversations, maybe a call every couple months, with a person I'm beginning to truly think I may never see in person again. These aren't things I would say are strong relationships. I have two girl friends that I would say I have strong unwavering friendships with. One lives in PA and one lives here. Other than these two women, I don't feel like I truly have anyone out there. I compare to these two who will answer my texts any time of day, who will sit and listen when I need a friend. They have been there for me through every single up and down. We have survived boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, friend-group break ups (again, sorry not sorry I never got that matching tattoo, girl), pregnancies, rebellion (as rebellious as we can be at 28 years old and on our own), crises of faith, just everything. And lately we have put more effort into our friendships and I can't even begin to tell them how much that means to me. These two women are theabsolute exception to everything I'm saying.
When You get married you lose friends. You start a life as a couple and many single friends drop off. Hopefully the real friendships outlive that. But often, it's not intentional loss, but your focus is elsewhere and everyone stops trying.
When you have kids, people often drop out of your life. They don't want to hangout when there's a loud kid around. I get it. And sometimes it's really sad to see that friendships don't survive that.
And when you get divorced, you lose a whole new set of friends. Married couples don't often hang out with a single person. In some cases they do, but it's not the same. Friendships die off. There's no longer that family outing or double dates. You lose mutual friends you made together, people unintentionally take sides.
I don't want to say that I've truly lost people, they still exist, everyone for the most part is on good terms. But the friendships have gone. We've turned into old friends, new acquaintances. But all of this is also just part of growing up and figuring out who you need and want in your life.
The hopeless feeling that comes with loneliness is just so biting. And maybe that comes from having had something you may have thought would last forever, then having it not be there anymore. Maybe it comes from being so used to having someone sleep in your bed and the physical emptiness is this huge reminder that there isn't someone on your side (no pun intended, okay maybe sort of intended). Or maybe it's the lack of someone to smile at and say good morning to first thing, or to cuddle up to and say good night. It's the constant daily reminder that you are doing this on your own. For me it's all of the above but also just not having someone to talk to my day about. Those little things that made you laugh throughout the day, the annoying meeting you had to sit through with the religious lady who is constantly trying to save your soul for Joseph Smith, the student that literally tried to walk out with a 26in Mac like I wouldn't notice. It's the mundane that I miss. That I long for. The boring nights at home-together, the talks about each other's interests, the tv show you have to wait on the other person to watch the next episode or you have committed the ultimate relationship sin.
I know everyone always says that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I think I disagree with that. Why can't you grow into that happiness together? If I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I them, then won't we both start to be happier with ourselves? Does that translate? I feel like it's hard to make sense of what I'm thinking with that. But that's how I feel. Such a huge part of me is loving other people. Is crossing oceans for people just to be sure that they are taken care of. While yes, I will agree, it takes it out of me sometimes to not have people pouring back into me, but I don't believe that means I should stop. I have such a heart for helping others, and believing in others, and loving others, that it doesn't even cross my mind to stop when someone doesn't show gratitude. But that stands to be different in a romantic relationship. I think there needs to be just as much give as there is take in that, otherwise you end up with one person feeling resentment for the other never even asking how their day was. Been there, done that. It's not the way a good relationship works.
There have been quite a few days lately where I have cried over the hopeless pit of loneliness. Where I have put expectations on people and they haven't met them and I get hurt. People are not here to meet our expectations. Some people will never meet them. This fear almost pushed me into getting married this year to someone who was a good good person, but whom I just did not love like he deserved. I think I was blindsided by the truth that someone could truly love me again, and I began to talk myself into settling for a life I didn't totally want because I enjoyed having someone around again. I missed the 10 minute after work phone calls just to say hi real quick, I missed having someone ask about my day or how I was actually holding up. I missed arms wrapped around me from behind and late night chats about anything and everything. I missed the things I used to have so much that I was willing to be with the first person who gave me those things. Loneliness. It makes people do some crazy things.
I believe that at 28 years old I am allowed to be picky about who is in my life. I don't make excuses or lie about it if I drop you out of my life. I don't hide my feelings- good or bad. I'm at this point where I am just tired out. Navigating this messed up "dating" world we live in now is definitely not on the top of my to do list. Give me someone I already know, instead. I have zero interest in going on awkward dates and getting to know all about someone new only to not see them again. That sounds exhausting. Give me a kind, and sweet, bearded (tattoos are always nice too), man who will drink tea with me, and go to the park, and maybe even a museum now and then. Who understands my dark humor and sarcasm but also cracks a smile at all my dumb jokes (even when he hates them). Who will introduce me to new things, who will love my girl as his own. Who wants to move mountains and cross oceans for me like I will for him. Who will go to the local breweries and movie nights with me. Who won't make me do all the driving all the time. Who doesn't judge my past and isn't intimidated by it. Someone who will meet me in my silence when my world feels scary and navigate it with me. Someone who reminds me that they love me. Who is trustworthy and wants to introduce me to his people and his interests but also wants to know mine. Someone who isn't trying to be my hero, I don't need that, but someone who wants to be my friend for life (*someone who wants to be my friend with benefits for life) haha). [1. I realize I just explained almost all of the guys in my life // 2. My spotify playlist is on shuffle and there's literally 2000 songs on it-- and "My head hurts" by Wavves came on. I try not to buy into "signs" from the universe or whatever, but that one was like a slap in the face ;) lol ]
For the first time in my life, I don't understand how to do life. Things are falling into place and out of place at the same time. I have to start thinking about what state I want to live in, if I want to live in an apartment or a house, if I want to commit to a few years or a lifetime in one place. I have to start thinking about Maggie and schooling and health benefits in each state. Not MS schools but not OH for her health. Do I make these decisions for myself and what I think is best or do I listen to and take into account everyone else? This is where I miss having a second half, someone to talk through all the pros and cons with me, to help me make big decisions. I'm starting to realize I don't have time for games. Dating after 30 is like "Are we doing this or not, I got things to do." Same goes for dating at 28 with a kid, a full time job, in grad school, and trying to find something somewhere that makes your life feel worth while. I want to have someone to pour into. To support, to laugh with, to travel with, to do all those things you do with another person. But I also don't want to settle for someone who doesn't meet most if not all of those things. I will be fine on my own. I am fine on my own. I provide for myself, I clean my house, I cook my own food (correction: I can cook, I just don't unless I have to haha), point being- I'm not looking for someone to wait on and be mother to. I'm looking for someone to do life by my side. But even then, I'm not really looking. I'm truly not in any real hurry. I'm dealing with the weird struggle of feeling alone in a big scary world, and if someone comes along and tells me I'm beautiful and calls to talk about my day, I might bat an eye their way.
[and now M+M's by Blink 182 is playing. really, universe?]
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