it's a hard reset to rewire the system.

For me, one of the hardest parts about a break up is missing touch. Nothing sexual, really. But missing a simple hug when I'm so stressed out I'm at my breaking point. Having that in-house friend to walk up to and just say "I'm having a really hard day can I have a hug?" and it honestly making everything better.

Today I sat and cried. Not really over the relationship, but because I’m just at my wit’s end with everything piling up. But it reminded me of what I miss from a relationship. I wanted to reach out to the only two people who have been letting me vent to them during this time, but it just seems so redundant. I feel like they're tired of hearing it, and honestly they probably are. One is dealing with their own breakup, and I just don't want to push them away when we've only just started speaking again. And the other has just always been there but I know they don't fully understand why it's so hard. But really all I wanted was a freaking hug and to lay my head on someones shoulder and just be still and sad for a brief moment.
But instead I just had to keep holding everything in, and I'll wait until the kid goes to sleep and I'll steal a brief, quiet, minute in the living room to sob over the mess I let get created around me, then I'll go right back to the grind. Because what other choice to we have? None, we just keep pressing forward.

As much as my 3 year relationship wasn't even a good thing, there was no genuine affection, he didn't really want to build life with us- he pulled me in by agreeing that he wanted the same future I wanted- but even though we were built on so many lies, he was still briefly there for those breaking down moments, even when most of them were about him. I guess if I'm fair to myself, he was only there for a hug, then he would leave as soon as possible to avoid anything emotional.

I'm getting off track. The second hardest thing is division of property. I know its just stuff, but it's stuff you bought together. It's items you wanted enough that you spent money on. And now it's figuring out who gets to take the item you both wanted together that was part of your home you built together. It's your favorite records you lent him while things were still gray, that now you can't get back because the two of you don't talk. It's the pile of his clothes still sitting on the laundry table. It's the tickets you had to your favorite band together, and the plans you had to take the kid somewhere special in the spring that now just all seem sad and ruined. It's the fall of your empire.

It's trying to fill your life with new friends to fill the void from where you gave your all for someone who knew for a long time they didn't want that future with you. It's trying to find who you are again when you gave up so much of yourself to let someone else thrive. It's holding out hope that you'll find something and someone better who won't leave you so battered and bruised. It's trying to learn how to be alone after years of living with someone. How to love yourself when you only ever loved everyone else. It's not comparing to other good things of the past, but trying to look forward to good things of the future.

Today was hard.
Hug your people when you see them, even if it makes them squirmy (not in a creepy way, of course). We don't realize how much we need something so simple until we really just need one.

An Erring of Grievances

 err
 verb

 \ˈer,  ˈər  \

 erred; erring; errs

 Definition of err 

 intransitive verb

1

archaic : STRAY

2a

: to make a mistake

erred in his calculationserred on the side of caution

b

: to violate an accepted standard of conduct

Is it human to err?

Many people are familiar with the word err from encountering it in the epigram “to err is human; to forgive, divine.” This phrase is found in Alexander Pope’s An Essay on Criticism, from 1711. Earlier expressions of the same sentiment exist, as in Thomas Jones’ 1678 book, Of the Heart, and its Right Soveraign, which contains the line “to err, is human, to recover, is Angelical; to persevere is Diabolical.”

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The celebration of Festivus begins with Airing of Grievances, which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

Each participant tells friends and family of all the instances where they disappointed him or her that year.

Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!

In the traditional Seinfeld Festivus, only the head of the household seems to be given the chance to air his/her grievances. However, in most Festivus households, the ability to air one's grievances is usually extended to others.

The Seinfeld Airing of Grievances is modeled after the O'Keefe Family Festivus, where family members were invited to recite their gripes into a cassette tape recorder. (Reference: Festivus! The Book)

When I started this post I had never read the full quote of "To Err is human.." but do you see the end of it? To persist is diabolical. Meaning to continue in the error is of the devil. is wicked. Is just plain stupid.

I want to say the last 3 years have been full of "errors" but the harsh truth of it is that we made a lot of conscious decisions that hurt us in the end. Me, mostly. But someone I respect the hell out of said to me recently, when I said I was angry-- paraphrased because theirs wasn't quite so kind-- to tell them my anger (then block them). No one has said to do that. For whatever reason it just hit home like "Oh. I can just tell him my anger? and how and why I'm angry and he hurt me?

I don't have to just never get it out?"

So that's what I did.

I recently pulled myself out of a very bad very narcissistic, gaslit, emotionally abusive relationship. And while it is so hard to see someone you once loved so much treat you so poorly, and choose addictions, and lies, and deceit over you-- I can honestly say I've never had so much hope for the future as I do now.

The healing that is happening with both my daughter and myself right now is remarkable. It is taking a lot out of us, and some days the grief is just so heavy and we both just sit together on the couch and cry. Some days she asks when he gets to come home or if she can call him, and I have to explain all over again that he isn't coming back to us. I quit reminding her that he loved her very much when I decided there was no coming back from this. When he chose other women, chose to lie about money, chose addictions. I know he is lashing out with the way he is slandering my name everywhere he can right now. But someone who has actually loved another person would never bash them, or say horrible things to them, or threaten them. I took us out of a toxic situation and I will never regret doing what I had to do to make that happen.

Maggie has missed him. Missed the dog. Missed his music. I have too. I have missed my best friend. There were good times, but every single good one ended badly. Every time. The truth is that we are so much happier now that we can get up every day and there isn't a cloak of heaviness clouding the entire house. That we can laugh and be silly in the mornings without his anger yelling at us to quiet down because his late night antics led him to sleep on the couch every night. That I can go to sleep every night no longer wondering where my partner is or who else he is with. That I can go about my days without fear of rejection every single evening when I get home.

I look forward to finding a partner who will genuinely love and respect me and my child the same way we love and respect him, and it won't just be a front for a year until we're too far in to get out. You can always get out.

It's crazy the amount of life I have given, and the amount I now have again. It's taken a few months, 3 to be exact, to stop crying every day. or feel hopeless. or like I am worth more than that man made me feel. But I've learned that it's not actually me that's the problem. With him or the one before him. I never cheated, lied, had an addiction, hid things, didn't help out. No, I gave every ounce of my love and being because that's who I am. And that's who I'll be again. I just hope next time I don't pick so badly. No, I don't hope. I know I won't. I now have climbed out of the intensely awful last 5 years and I know the standard by which any man will have to meet. I know the years I will have to know him before we take any leaps. I know how he will have to treat us from the start. I'm no longer afraid to do this life alone. I'm exhausted. I would love the help, the company, the laughs, someone to watch spooky things with because I get scared too easily. But I will no longer settle for men who halfheartedly love us. Who tell me they're too busy for me, that i'm not worth their time. And I'll tell you hwhat- That is exciting. The prospect of a man who won't cheat on me? Who won't hide addictions, or take money, or expect me alone to carry us? Who will make time to spend with me, who will at least pretend to be interested when I'm stoked on some national geographic article I just read.  It's wild to think that someone like that exists. It may take forever to find him, but they're still out there, I know they are. It's just finding them. And taking another chance. And giving it another shot.

In the meantime, I guess I work on myself. On Maggie. We are eating better, getting out of the house more. I'm not so overwhelmingly depressed that I can't play with her or I'm too tired to give her the attention she needs anymore. I'm selling our house. I wish things could have gone the way we'd planned. But my ex had other intentions all along, and I wish he had had the courage to bring them to light well before I signed on this house for us. I so long to be back in the city. Maybe someday, with the right reasons. No more just moving aimlessly around, searching for a good life. I've been handed a whole lot of shit. But you just keep going. So: we sell the house, we take more vacations, I do things for myself for once and not everyone else, I make a good life for us. And if someone wants to come along side us eventually and show me that they deserve a spot with us, then maybe they can come too.

I'm not bitter. I'm not even angry anymore. I wish his lost soul the best of luck, and that he finds whatever he's looking for. As for us, we will be okay. I will finish out this chapter of my book and hopefully 32 will be a much better one. A much happier one.

On that note I guess this is where I start to show the improvements. In just 3 months I'm down 3 sizes. And that's a good feeling.  I was often too tired to make decent dinner. I was too depressed to care. We ate out because he was only a vegetarian when I made dinner, therefore not eating and getting me to agree to go out. and pay. For years I was miserable. I feel human again. It may not look like much, but it's the start of stepping out of that situation and finding myself again. Starting a new chapter of my real book this year. Hopefully the dark comedy can come to a happy ending. We'll see what 2020 brings. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. <3