For me, one of the hardest parts about a break up is missing touch. Nothing sexual, really. But missing a simple hug when I'm so stressed out I'm at my breaking point. Having that in-house friend to walk up to and just say "I'm having a really hard day can I have a hug?" and it honestly making everything better.
Today I sat and cried. Not really over the relationship, but because I’m just at my wit’s end with everything piling up. But it reminded me of what I miss from a relationship. I wanted to reach out to the only two people who have been letting me vent to them during this time, but it just seems so redundant. I feel like they're tired of hearing it, and honestly they probably are. One is dealing with their own breakup, and I just don't want to push them away when we've only just started speaking again. And the other has just always been there but I know they don't fully understand why it's so hard. But really all I wanted was a freaking hug and to lay my head on someones shoulder and just be still and sad for a brief moment.
But instead I just had to keep holding everything in, and I'll wait until the kid goes to sleep and I'll steal a brief, quiet, minute in the living room to sob over the mess I let get created around me, then I'll go right back to the grind. Because what other choice to we have? None, we just keep pressing forward.
As much as my 3 year relationship wasn't even a good thing, there was no genuine affection, he didn't really want to build life with us- he pulled me in by agreeing that he wanted the same future I wanted- but even though we were built on so many lies, he was still briefly there for those breaking down moments, even when most of them were about him. I guess if I'm fair to myself, he was only there for a hug, then he would leave as soon as possible to avoid anything emotional.
I'm getting off track. The second hardest thing is division of property. I know its just stuff, but it's stuff you bought together. It's items you wanted enough that you spent money on. And now it's figuring out who gets to take the item you both wanted together that was part of your home you built together. It's your favorite records you lent him while things were still gray, that now you can't get back because the two of you don't talk. It's the pile of his clothes still sitting on the laundry table. It's the tickets you had to your favorite band together, and the plans you had to take the kid somewhere special in the spring that now just all seem sad and ruined. It's the fall of your empire.
It's trying to fill your life with new friends to fill the void from where you gave your all for someone who knew for a long time they didn't want that future with you. It's trying to find who you are again when you gave up so much of yourself to let someone else thrive. It's holding out hope that you'll find something and someone better who won't leave you so battered and bruised. It's trying to learn how to be alone after years of living with someone. How to love yourself when you only ever loved everyone else. It's not comparing to other good things of the past, but trying to look forward to good things of the future.
Today was hard.
Hug your people when you see them, even if it makes them squirmy (not in a creepy way, of course). We don't realize how much we need something so simple until we really just need one.
