The week that broke my nails and my heart... PT 2

Its not that I thought I had any reason to doubt at first. When he said “she’s doing me a huge favor, I don’t want my family to know because I don’t want them to think I’m a mess up” I believed him. Why did I believe him? Because he swore to me up and down that they had been broken up. What did he leave out? That they had only stayed broken up for a very short time. Why did I believe him? Because I have truly missed him for years. Because I honestly enjoy every single thing about him, and I think he's pretty handsome ;) but mostly because after 15 years- I didn’t think he would treat me SO poorly. I thought we had a mutual respect. I believed he actually cared.

So now the signs have all been blaring, and I have stupidly ignored them. His picture stayed up on her online profiles this ENTIRE time. I tried to back out of seeing him and asked playfully “Why, is that when your girlfriend is picking you up?” for his answer to be “don’t be moody.” I saw the signs, but I believed the words. And now I feel the real hurt of someone I truly never thought would lie to me this much, that I never intended to start something with, that constantly made life plans with me, and talked with me, and learned my secrets- to literally show up with that “ex” and engaged to her. ENGAGED. A commitment and promise to marry them, marriage being a commitment and promise to stay loyal, loving, and with them, forever. The truth is I love big and I love with everything in me- because I don’t see another way to love. And I remember the night I felt that love for him, and I remember feeling like we might finally have our chance. And now I know the empty feeling I’m left with and that it’s bigger than any hole I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why it seems so painful, maybe it’s because I just really know deep down we could have had something amazing. A wonderful story to go back to years down the road and just say “I know I made the right choice with you.” I know we would have helped each other pursue our dreams and reach our goals, we would have made sure the other one had what they need. I know this because this is how we were. It’s how I am at least. And now it’s how he will hopefully be with someone else. I do truly hope he never stops pushing for his goals, because I know he can achieve them if he has the support.

I did not make my choice to move based on him—because the night before my interview for this job I start this week,  I curled up in his arms and asked him what we would do if I didn’t get it—and so reassuringly he told me he would move down to me, that we would figure it out. I believed him because I wanted to. I believed him because I just couldn’t believe someone could look me straight in the eyes and tell me they felt so strongly for me, and be lying. So he was not in my equation to move. But it still hurts just as bad that 5 days before my move, the first day of what is supposed to be “my new year” this picture of him and her happily engaged shows up.

He had no plans to tell me, and still hasn’t really tried to talk to me about it. He insists that we sit down and talk about it, but he has made no effort to do so. Tonight I told him I have to be done with this, we either have this conversation or I have to walk away. And nothing, he said nothing. I believe he didn’t want to hurt me, but I also believe he knew exactly what he was doing, and when I became a very real presence, things sort of changed.

To say I’m hurt is a bit of an understatement. I don’t do well when I don’t know the reasons. If he is so in love with her, and wants to spend his life with her, why was I in the picture for almost an entire year? Why did he come to me months ago spouting out about missing me and me being the one who got away, to get his chance just to change his mind?  In my own experience, you don’t go looking for someone if you’re in a truly happy relationship. I’m angry with him, but I still care so deeply for him. Some of you know how that goes. But I’m really hurt at feeling used so bad. I have always had his back, I have always been there for him, and in recent months he talks to me like he has no one, like I’m not there, like I’ve never been there:  Like I don’t exist. And I don’t exist in his real world. So much so that he hides the tags of our pictures together so no one knows who I am. That he sneaks around to see me when I’ve been in town. That he has to go outside on long walks to talk on the phone to me, so no one knows who he’s talking to. (These are all things that have been pieced together after the fact).  That’s not love. That’s not even friendship. Even after knowing all I’ve been through, and how much hurt I’ve had, he did the exact thing I asked him not to. And the lies just piled up. It could be so different; we could have had a mutual friendship, him and his clearly-never-has-been-ex, and me. I bet it could have been great too. I don’t think I have ever felt so genuinely disrespected by someone in my life. And that, I think, is the saddest part of it all. 

My boyfriend got engaged...

My boyfriend got engaged and it wasn't to me.


This week the social media devil reared it's ugly head when what should show up in my "People you might know" list on facebook other than a picture of the guy I've been planning life with for the last year, in a picture with what I knew to be his ex, sporting a beautiful engagement ring on New Year's day.

What the actual F*** is that.


That, my friends, is the world of social media and this new age in dating. At almost 30 years old, I don't feel like it was so far fetched of me to believe the words of my guy when, after 15 years of being in and out of each other's lives, he said he was just as excited about our life together as I was. I didn't realize that at 30 years old telling someone you loved them, want to marry them (all his bringing up, not mine) and generally being into them, meant that you weren't actually anything because you didn't have an official title. I mean, I understand the dating more than one person thing. I understand the not being totally exclusive with someone and not labeling yourselves as in a relationship. But when you're ACTUALLY close to marriage with someone- I'm pretty sure you're labeled. You're official. You're a thing. So why was I in the picture at all?

When him and I started talking again about 9 months ago, he told me that they had been broken up for a few months before that. I asked so many times over the last year if they still had something going on for him to tell me, consistently, no- and he was into me, and in this with me, and we would figure it out since we were so far away from each other. I told him I didn't trust him, he told me the same- not for lack of wanting to, but just because people have betrayed our trust so much in the past that we were unsure. I asked him not to make me the other woman. I asked him specifically to not put me in a place where I would get hurt, and if he was going to- to just be honest and tell me.

So instead of telling me he was with his ex again, or that marriage was on the table, I got texts all week. I got the fight he picked when I posted an IG post saying something about not being taken for granted. I got the no I still feel the same. I'll see you this day if I'm not working. The cute goodnight texts and the good morning ones. All the while knowing he was going to ask her to marry him. He had 2 weeks to tell me, and he didn't even have to tell me in person. He just had to text it to me. I know that's not something you just text but it's way better then just not saying anything. I don't even think he was planning on telling me, at all. I think he was just going to talk to me less and less until I just gave up. He's actually a smart guy, so I don't really know why he decided this was the best way to handle this. And we've actually been friends for a long time, so I don't really know why he decided I wasn't worth the respect to tell me what was going on.

Had he just been honest with me, I probably would have understood. We possibly could have ended this on much better terms, one where we could all be friends. But I am not sure I've ever been lied to so much in my life. Even my ex husband only denied the truth one time before coming clean. But to tell me, for months, almost an entire year, that nothing was going on when clearly things were going on. I put this just about equal with the lies my ex husband told me. I put the hurt even greater though. And I know some people won't understand that. But this guy knows what I have been through. He knows my life, my story. And even though he just really didn't want to hurt me by telling me, he had to have known that this would be way worse. This way makes me question every single word he has ever said to me. Every single feeling shared, story told. All the energy and time I spent worrying about him, talking to him, everything. All time I could have spent on my child, or with one of the few really great guys I turned down because I was planning a future with this guy.

I think there will always be a piece of me that misses him. But I think that he's really proved me wrong. Or proved what I knew deep down to be right. I always knew I would end up disappointed somehow, but I didn't think it would be because he chose another girl over me. I truly did not see this coming. And it truly hurts more than I thought it would.




We tried at 14, and again at 28, I'm not counting on 65 being any better right now.

I truly truly wish you the best. You deserve something good in your life. I'm just sorry you had to hurt me in the process, and that we had to lose this friendship along the way. <3

PSA: LADIES

Dear Ladies,

If "your man" don't choose you, then he ain't your man. There is no reason to DM a girl in the middle of the night, acting like you have mutual friends (you do know I can see our mutual friends, right?), then asking how she knows so-and-so. Sister, I see your name popping up all over my social media. I'm aware you stalk my page for those rare days I make it public view. I too, am a girl. I have the same investigative skills you do. I've seen your page, the comments, the likes. I feel just as crazy as you some days. But as women we have to learn, like Miranda Lambert says, to hide your crazy and act like a lady. I'm not blind to the fact that so-and-so has probably led you down the same path as me. My eyes are just as prodding as yours, my mind just as snooping, my heart just as hurting. If you are an "item", then come out and say it. Say to me "so-and-so and I have been seeing each other and I wanted to be sure you knew that. I don't appreciate the [whatever the problem is] going on." MOST women would prefer that over the sneaky, misleading, conniving ways that girls go about this stuff. But the truth of that statement is that you aren't an item, and you are to him exactly what I am- a girl with a pretty face that he might spend time talking to, but he isn't choosing either one of us right now. So please, if there is an issue- talk to him. We have to make our generation start taking responsibility for their actions-- even when it makes them uncomfortable. I'm aware none of you have ever heard of me, and don't know what role I play in his life. But own up to your crazy if you're going to flaunt it, and ask. Say something. Don't bite your tongue, it makes it worse. We all have to learn to be a little less passive (I'm preaching to the choir here). But for real girlfriend, if he's gotta make a decision between you and another person, then CLEARLY he's not that into either of you. I'm sorry my existence is making your head spin right now. I know the feelings all too well. But woman to woman, don't get crazy about it. Don't message every girl who likes a picture trying to figure out who they are. There are 7.2 billion people in the world, you're gonna get tired fast. Xo

The truth of the matter is that we as women have to stop acting like men can't make the decision for themselves of who is good for them. Who is the best fit for their lives. Who they want to invest their time in. I don't really know if it's the being almost 30 thing, or if it's a difference in generational stuff, but men and women see relationships very different these days (with the exception of actually finding someone you want to spend life with). Women think guys are into them when they are flirty or just nice in general (we all, everyone, has to stop mistaking being nice for flirting. Sometimes people are just nice people, it doesn't always mean they're into you). They mistake attention for "signs" and friendship for more than that. Men on the other hand, not all of them but a whole lot of around 30 year olds, can treat a girl like she's their girlfriend, but then not see them like that at all. There is less attachment. Women take joy and hold on to the little things, guys aren't in it until they've made that actual decision to be, and vocally made it official.
So we as women, have absolutely got to stop trying to win a guy over. What's that say for any future relationship you may or may not have? If you're changing yourself and trying so hard to be the person this guy will want, then what happens when you finally stop being that person? Be yourself, and the right guy will find your little sounds, your quirks, your favorite things, endearing.
We halfheartedly live in this world where men are supposed to pursue women, but also women are supposed to be super independent.... Men want all these standards, but then if a women says the same thing we get sort of berated for it. Double standards are everywhere. It's ridiculous. But one of the points is that we have to stop vying SO HARD for their attention. They will give it if they want to. And if they don't want to, don't try to make them. 1. that will push them away 2. you will look desperate, and you're a strong independent boss girl, so don't do that. but 3. The right guy will pick you above all the other [I was going to write hoes, but really we have to stop using that language against each other even in play] women. In fact, the right guy who is ready for a real relationship will not only pick you, but not even pay attention to all the other women. However, we can't live in fear of other women in their lives. They will have friends who are girls, coworkers who they see more hours a day then you, who might even know them better than you do, who are women. But when they are into you, they will show you. They will reassure you. They will do what it takes to make sure you know they picked you for a reason.
So when we see the guy we are crushing on with someone else, we have to learn to back up. Stop stealing other women's men. Stop trying to change the guys' mind. He is capable of making his own decisions. And no matter what lines he spews at you about not being into the girl he's with, HE'S STILL WITH HER, so for the love of god don't start up with him. If he can cheat on her he can cheat on you. Respect yourself. Respect other women.

Part 2: We have to start respecting each other, ladies. I too am guilty of looking at the new girlfriend and comparing myself- both good and bad ways. I have dealt with crazy ex girlfriends who message me and tell me I'm not good enough for him, I have dealt with the new girlfriend who wants to be my best friend to find out any information she can. I have been the girl with the crush who looks at every other girls' page to see what my competition is like. But I learned to hide my crazy, not because it needs hidden- we are who we are. But because it's unhealthy, and it drives us insane. I've learned to not get mad when relationships end, to respect the new and old women in a man's life. To respect women because if we don't show each other respect, why should anyone else? Stand together in solidarity, sisters. Be happy for the girl who gets the guy everyone likes. Be happy when two people finally take the plunge instead of being angry that it's not you. We often misplace our anger: we like/love the guy so much that we put our anger on the woman. Except she (most of the time) had nothing to do with the demise of your relationship. We don't have to like every woman, we don't have to be friends with everyone, but we should show each other the same respect we think we deserve. That's that. End of story.


I know some of this may contradict the things I've said in my life. So obviously I am learning these things, as I grow too. But as we take the wild ride into young adulthood, I become more aware of the things that have to change. I don't want my daughter to be hurt like I have been- both by girl friends and guys. I want her to grow up in a world where women respect, appreciate, and back each other. Where the backstabbing of girls over a guy is minimal to nonexistent (but also where boys are taught to respect girls, so they grow into men who respect and treat women like they are worthy of being treated. Not as property, lesser, or  unimportant). It's way past time to start changing how we deal with these things. It's time to grow up and be the adults that we are, whether we want to admit it or not, and learn that we don't always get every thing and relationship we want. But if we treat others with respect, we might find some really great things along the way.

I fell in love

Edit: This is way too long, and actually totally pointless. But I hope you enjoy ;)

Dear men,

To get right to the point, you have no right to blow into a woman's life and tell her she is your girl, one, everything- then cop out. You also absolutely should not start something you can't finish. Women are emotional beings, and when you mess with our emotions, you mess with our entire lives.

I'm going to get a little repetitive and blunt in this post. I am sorry in advance if it offends anyone. But I have really had a go of it recently, and there is a nature of respect that needs to be addressed.
Most of this has been mentioned here before. But some of it has not. Edit: I tried to stay kind.


Flashback to November 2015. I decided it was time to try and move on with my life. A true dream of mine has always been the family life. So after some time of grieving, moving around, and general wandering aimlessly through life, I met this guy online. He was so sweet, and nice, and really genuinely liked me- more than I can say (or tell) from other guys I've dated. He would leave me notes, buy me flowers, always had some big date for us to go on. But also- he never disagreed with me, never spoke his true opinion (maybe he never really had one but that's not good either). I wasn't learning anything from him. There weren't new things he would introduce me to. While he actually listened when I had things I was interested- and he would let me talk about them for however long I wanted, there wasn't a mutual building up. On valentine's day he asked me to marry him and I said yes. In truth, I didn't want to be alone. That's a hard thing to admit, and when that family life is all you want, your thoughts and emotions can be a little crazy. I know I didn't love him like I should have. While he had a lot of the qualities I wanted, there were so many other things glaring back at me. I tried to say "well, he has to overlook a lot in me." And it wasn't until my best friend stopped my world with one sentence. She said "yeah but Shaina, it's not the same things you're overlooking." What? I truly hadn't thought of it that way. I have...things about me. But the biggest, to so many divorced and single moms, is just that. That exactly who we are is the biggest flaw we have. I can certainly say the fact that I'm divorced and have a kid are not flaws. I do however, overthink everything, get paranoid, talk too much when I feel like I'm losing something I really want, and generally just push people away while still wanting to hold onto them. I'm a mess. Anyways, in April I had a really hard week and he took me to see one of my favorite bands for my birthday. It was ironically, at that concert that I realized for sure that he wasn't the right person for me. Maybe it's a romanticized version of what a relationship should be, but, and I know how petty this sounds, he didn't hold my hand at all. The sweetest most lovey song was on, and he didn't wrap his arms around me. He knows they are my favorite band. He knows more about me than I think my ex husband did. But that's because he asked. so many questions all the time, we talked and talked and talked. I genuinely appreciate when people show interest in what my life has been. I love learning people's life stories, it's refreshing when someone asks you to tell them something about yourself that they don't know.
I broke up with him later that week, When I broke up with him I saw a side of him that I had not been introduced to yet, and the massive red flag he was throwing in my face, all my faults and failures, was just not cool. To be curt, I think I dodged a bullet in the long term. I knew I wouldn't be happy forever. While I miss having someone who would do anything to make me laugh, who knew how much I appreciate the little things, who would go to musicals with me and tell me how beautiful I am, who would let me cry when things got tough, and hold my hand while looking at christmas lights, I'm glad I saw the big picture sooner rather than later.

Skip forward a month, I am doing well. I am on track, happier than I have ever been. *ping* one new notice, on instagram, from the guy your heart has always missed but your lives have gone two completely different ways and he literally disappeared for years and now he's back. "I miss you, text me." May-Sept: "text text text laugh laugh laugh ughhh you're so cute I miss you, you're so beautiful I miss you text text "I'm so in love with you, you're my person. I can see forever with you. I would love your girl as my own (side note: that made me fall hard) I want to be with you" "woooahhh hold on. we both just out of relationships, I think this is just lonliness. I'm so glad you found me but woah" fate fate longing text text text giggle giggle giggle "If I was at that show I would makeout with you. and hold your hand (said while seeing my other favorite band at a different time)" and two months later I'm completely head over heels for this guy. I mean, no joke, he's always been a smooth operator. He acts like the girls don't all always want him, but he's a charmer, and he's seriously cute. And when he laughs and gets awkward and cracks his little smile, seriously it's like the entire mess that is my life doesn't even matter anymore because he's back in my life and it's all I've ever missed. When he talks about something that he's sort of embarrassed to say, the way he (has always done this, it's a memory I have of him) puts his head in his hand and plays with his hair looking away so as to not make eye contact because even though you're pouring your heart out as long as you look away it sort of helps. According to my journal from years ago, the first time I saw him I was smitten. I used to compare people to him. We never had anything real serious, but that was good, Had we at that time, he probably would have been my biggest heartache. And now all these years later, I'm just as smitten. I get to know the grown up, got his act together him. I hesitate to say love (the word has a big heavy meaning), because we're both a little bit dysfunctional. But I'd love to be dysfunctional together for a very long time. Love can come later. But I can truly say I would be proud to be with him. That I am proud of him.
Cue September: The good morning texts trail off, maybe one a week if that anymore, the smiles throughout the day stop, the snaps stop, the calls stop. There are full days that he doesn't talk to me anymore. I try to chalk it up to the fact that school started and his life is a busy, crazy, overwhelming mess. But to tell me he doesn't look at his phone all day but then (fact: social media was developed to make girls crazy) is all over instagram liking every single girl's selfie except mine, telling other girls they are beautiful but no longer me. (Even if we just go back to being just friends, that's what bffs do, tell each other their selfie is beautiful or cute so they can help them impress that one person hahahah amiright?)  I have a hard time believing he doesn't look at his phone all day. And when that's our main form of communication, I'm just not sure how to feel. It's just that now our conversations aren't like they were. We don't get to talk about nothing and everything anymore. He doesn't try to make me smile. It's me asking how his day is going, him saying fine, then not hearing from him again. It's me finally getting fed up and saying something about it for him to turn around and tell me he's trying his hardest and he's in this. Except this isn't anything. He doesn't make time to text, won't call, and can't find time to see each other. So while it was good and we had big dreams together for about 5 months, the fall has come and with that the biggest fall of all. I know the struggle that a relationship with him would bring. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (one of us would have to change locations) I have weighed the options. I have written pros and cons lists in my head, debated whether to shut this aspect of us down or not. And I have decided he IS worth it. But not like this. Not with me giving everything and not even a "how are you" in return. With me answering 2am phone calls but when I'm having the biggest breakdown of my year he's nowhere to be found. I know he's busy. I am too. But I choose to make time. That's the conscious choice that has to be made. And this time it genuinely hurts. I asked a big important life question yesterday, and got nothing in return, literally he just ignored it. I woke up this morning feeling honestly heartbroken over whatever mess this friendlationship is. (Blink 182 generally makes me happy but of course their self titled from 2003 is on right now and its the saddest record they've ever done. Not helping my emotional state right this minute). It took a lot to get me to the point where I wanted to say I was willing to give us a go, but then once he hooked me, he willingly walked away. I don't ask many questions about the years I don't know. Here and there I have in passing and he ignores them. But I imagine these same things were problems before. I guess it's just the difference in who is willing to put up with it and for how long. Now, all of that makes him sound really bad. But I know under the facade that he is a truly genuine, committed (to what he wants to be), kind person. He's just not quite ready for the big changes, and that's okay. But I can't promise to hang around and wait. I wish I was okay with just being a side person, I wish that if I decide to go on a date with someone else it won't make a rift with us. But I'm not sure, I don't know the status of our thing. At one point I was sure I meant more than just a friend, I didn't doubt that he might be talking the same talk to other girls. But so quickly that changed. I know he finally realized that he's good enough, and there are tons of people who like him who he can be happy with. And I hope he finds the things he is looking for, with or without me. He honestly deserves the best, and I hope he finds whatever that is to him.

This week, another guy from my past seriously blew my mind. He messages me out of the blue, and proceeds to tell me he doesn't remember our relationship like, at all. We dated/notdated/stayedtogether for a year. Like, an entire year. Like every weekend with each other, seriously talked about moving in together, told each other i love you. He was the biggest heart break of my adult life. He was the start of the gaggle of crappy men I have dated, but man does he take the cake. I was genuinely surprised when he told me this. The amount of tears and heart ache he caused me-- and he doesn't even garner me the respect to remember us? I'm almost offended. If he hadn't have been such a crappy person, I would be a lot more ticked off than I am. This guy came into my life, and pursued me harder than anyone I have ever met. He won me over pretty easily to say the least. For a year I drove the 2 hours to his area (in the middle of nowhere mind you, like my directions were "turn left at the 4th ditch, the only stop light in the town." why anyone wants to live in Arkansas is beyond me hahahaha) and it wasn't because I enjoyed the area. I did enjoy him though. I don't know if I've ever had so much fun with a person in my life. We got each other's humor and jokes and just knew what each other liked. We watched endless hours of the Chappelle show, star wars, and basically all of the funny guy movies out. We would go to dinner at his dad's and stay up all night talking about any random thing there was (man did he have some random stuff). We would help each other form the perfect myspace page and take the perfect pictures. I would fall asleep and he would sit up chatting with every other girl ever on the computer literally right beside me. I would ask him to come to bed and he would close that chat window so fast. I always knew, I always saw. But when you're young and completely in love, and you're the one who he is with, then it's sort of whatever. But alas, nothing good lasts with guys who play with girl's emotions. I came over one day before he got home from work, went in, tidied up, started dinner, went to take a nap until he got home from work and lo and behold- looong blonde hairs in the bed. All over the bed. No wonder he blocked out our relationship, because that was probably the second biggest relationship fight I've ever had. It was the first time I had ever yelled at someone, I think it's possible I threw a shoe at him. That was a long night to say the least. I went home the next morning and was back two weeks later. That was my own fault. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice- I'm just an idiot who thinks cheaters change. And maybe they do- for the person they want to. But in my experience that's not the case either.About a month later, he cheated on me again with a girl he was meeting for the first time. And after that I was done. I took him home after that show, because I had a lot of stuff at his house that I needed to get. We said our goodbyes and I left and went to my best friend's house and bawled my eyes out for days. I was so hurt and upset after that. Luckily I was young enough to get back on my feet quickly lol. And now it's 8 or 9 years later and it doesn't even phase me. Like I sort of forgot the guy existed until he messaged me this week.

Then of course, there's all the other *vulgar word that rhymes with duck*boys out there, and my ex husband, all who think it's okay to cheat on every person you are ever with. Because girls are idiots and always give second chances.

All of these examples are here to show just how much it affects women when men toy with their emotions. While it may not mean anything to a guy, hell, they may even forget that they even knew you, women tend to live by their emotions. Those late night calls, staying up all night talking, going out of your way to take her to see fireworks (that boy was my favoritefavorite not boyfriend best friend, he was truly the sweetest), those are the things that mean the most to her. And when you don't see that what you are doing is leading her on, then it is you who needs to reevaluate.

Women: we need to stop being the "chill girl, no drama" crap that all these *vulgar word that rhymes with duck* boys out there want. There have been a few articles I've read lately that have just hit the nail on the head. The girl who stresses out too much is good- it shows she cares. The guys want these chill girls but that's not who we are. While we don't have to be psycho, we shouldn't be okay with putting ourselves on the back burner and not expecting the same respect back that we are giving to them.

Each guy in this blog didn't listen to me when I told him what I was feeling. #1 would text me huge good morning/night texts- daily would tell me all the things he loved about me and why I made him happy. He sent me flowers to work 4 times in 5 months. I love flowers. I buy myself them sometimes just because. But that made it not special. I asked him to tone it back a little, and he said he loves to do the little things, so no.
On the flip side of that, in my 6 year relationship/marriage, I didn't get flowers once. Every thing was always big and over the top. I just wanted a kiss on the forehead and a little $3 bouquet from the drug store. The personality of these two is a whole lot more a like than I'm willing to admit.
The other two would/do feed me all the right words, but never the actions. Here and there a cute little thing would comes out (the one guy, we were at ihop in the middle of the night and he pulled up a big handful of the flowers out front and gave them to me. hahahaha it was oddly cute). Every now and then I will get a cute text or snap, but it's more and more rare.
The difference with these guys is that they don't live the same as me. The attention doesn't dictate the feelings. So even if he's not paid any attention to me in 2 days, it doesn't totally mean he doesn't like me.(I'm justifying here, reaching even, but I know that's the personality of these ones).

So why is it so hard to find someone in between? I think it's because men these days are staying single and partying longer, they are taking life less seriously and not wanting to settle down as soon as men used to. But when you have been through the ringer with every aspect of your life, and you have a kid to think about too, prospective changes. It shouldn't be so hard to find someone in between all of this. Someone who wants to see me, talk to me, hear about my day. It doesn't even have to be daily- but ask how my classes are going, how my kid is doing. Will reassure me like once a week (I know I'm not the only girl who feels this way) that I'm theirs and that they want to be with me, will do cute things every now and then (key words here, every now and then), and appreciate the cute things I do in return, I am tired of always apologizing when I get insecure. I'm tired of having to tone down who I am because guys want "chill girls." I have a busy life. I have a stressful life. Sometimes I want someone to reciprocate. To listen. I won't apologize anymore for asking if someone has a minute to talk. Friendships and relationships included. Women are still being made to accept whatever excuse the guy throws their way. And when we don't accept it, they get defensive and we grasp to hold onto something. Men, please realize that if you truly love your girl, she won't have to agree with anything I've written here. She shouldn't have to question your feelings about her. She shouldn't have to be paranoid she's losing you to the girl you work with. She shouldn't have to feel alone. So if she's still holding on, and you're not- then tell her. Be honest. THAT is the best quality you could ever have- towards friends and relationships, honesty.

This post was not supposed to be what it is. It started as an open letter to guys who play with girls feelings. But as it turned out, I had a whole lot more to say. I know I will get a text at some point from my currently not interested-stringing me along-but I'm not ready to let go of him yet- guy telling me he's not happy about this post. And what I need him to know is that for now, I'm still here. I know you're not ready, and that you started something you weren't ready to see through or finish. But I'm not ready to let go of you just yet (if you even read this far. It's easier to put it here then send it in a text, or sit on it until there's time for a long phone call). And I know everyone reading this will have an opinion on that. But to that I say : Do you even understand how convenient long distance is right now? Like we still get to do our own things, but all I'm asking for is a little more effort in texting or calling me here and there. We aren't ready for that real commitment. I'm not an idiot lol.

If you made it this far, you're either bored, or a saint. I have no good closing remarks. Mostly this whole thing was just complaining. But it's gotta be said somewhere. So I put it here.

Oh, that the heart must break

Oh, that the heart must break to know true healing.

This last month has been tumultuous to say the least. The last week has been stressful in a million different ways. I'm not really sure where to begin.

I originally signed off of this blog because I felt like I had finally found the people who were going to be there for me when I need them- to talk through things, to vent to, to put in a joint effort into a joint friendship. A few months down the road, I find I have been putting in so much effort to keep these people in my life, and there is almost zero (i'll give them like a 20%) effort on their part. This is a huge reason I left this area in the first place. I honestly never feel like there is anything for me here.
>Have you ever felt so desperate for change that you're basically willing to do anything?<
I have been trying so hard, and failing miserably, at finding something to give me that change I'm searching for.

After realizing my last big relationship was not the right person for me, I was starting to find myself again. But rather quickly I let this guy sweep into my life in a time that I think was confusing for both of us, and he sweet talked and flirted and asked how my day was and how my kid was and missed me and called me beautiful and made me know that I am worth something. But just as quickly as he came in, he sort of walked away. Our conversations of a future together stopped, our cute texts stopped, our silly snaps stopped. Basically, like all the other ones, he hooked me then walked away. The only thing that makes it okay is that we weren't truly anything. We had this weird commitment to each other. But there was no effort to actually see each other, or talk on the phone much, or figure out getting us to the same place. I think that effort failed on both our parts. So while there was never anything official, it still hurts to feel like you're losing someone. It's the process that hurts. He is one of those people that it seems like my life will always come back to. And in any way that happens, I think I'm okay with that.

I have recently chosen a side between two friends who were always so dear to me in their horrible mess of a divorce. But as I navigate this with my friend, it just brings up so much of the ridiculousness that was my divorce. All the mess and crap I have not and will not air on the internet. But standing in agreement and supporting my friend for her decision, I can't tell her enough how proud I am of her for doing what is right and best for her family. Other people won't understand, and they will always blame you (as they still do me) for taking his children from him, for not sticking it out. But until they are in our shoes during the 2am fights, and the sleepless nights, they will never understand. You Are Doing The Right Thing. Don't look back. Never look back. It's only up from here.

Last week I got a message from an ex in Ohio telling me that a good old friend of ours committed suicide. I don't really know the details of that, but his funeral was Thursday and I was just sort of sad to think about it and not be able to go.
Thursday night I got a call from someone very dear to me telling me that someone he is very close to had died. By proxy that makes me sad as well. I don't want this person to hurt, but there is literally not a thing I can do about it.
Friday night I got an alert on my phone to a facebook post from Maggie's aunt and uncle. She was pregnant, due in March. At their gender reveal appointment they found out the baby had no heartbeat. They went in today to actually deliver this deceased baby. The amount of strength a mother has during childbirth anyways is a feat like nothing else. But to actually have to deliver a child you will never get to watch grow up is one of the hardest things I could imagine. The strength of parents who have lost a child is something I hope I never have to know.
Friday night I also got a phone call that a friend of mine, and everyone's (no, really, this guy knew every single person around here) had died. He was the sweetest most fun guy. One of the most welcoming people when I first met him so so many years ago. And every single time I saw him it was definitely a good time. He will be so much more missed than I bet he ever thought he would be.

So to say I've been dealing with some stuff this month is an understatement. On top of work, school work, general life stresses, ex husband stresses, child stresses, the holidays coming, trying to figure out money woes, needing to find a new car, wanting to find my own apartment, craft fairs, exams, and people, I'm ready to just disappear for a while. I don't think my mind has ever been so worn out, and my heart has ever hurt so much. To not have someone to sit and talk with and just be around is definitely hard. But then I think about these dear families who have lost so much this week, and every single issue I am dealing with seems so small. So unimportant. I know in a week or so everything in my life will rear back up, and the world will show it's ugly head in my life, and I will be stressed out again. But for today I am going to sit back, and say a prayer, and hope that there really is a God right now, because so many people need comforting, hope, peace, and to know that life does get better.

If you or someone you know needs help with Suicide or Addiction, please seek help.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255 available 24 hours a day
Addiction: Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) SAMHSA is 24 hours and can lead in the right direction for help with addictions and mental health disorders. http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline


Oh, that the heart must break to know true healing. I believe I  have finally healed from all my own stuff, but these spurts of life that bring around awful things, things that just chip away at who you are, are the spots we must all stick together, rely on each other, and know that healing comes with time. And though we never forget, we will be whole again, eventually.

so long, farewell

I don't ever read over these before I post them. Hope it's good.

Christian music sometimes makes me feel better, hopeful even. But other times it just makes me almost angry. No, I don't buy into the whole "well that's God dealing with you and you being angry" defense mechanism stance. I sometimes feel like Christians use God as a way to blow off peoples feelings and other issues by saying "God will take care of it" or "pray about it." Not to say He doesn't help people. I guess I'm just indifferent to some of the churchy lingo thrown around. 
I'm at the absolute weirdest point in my life. The last few days have been so incredibly strange. I miss old things, I long for new. I woke up feeling hurt, guilt, and infatuation all at the same time. I went to bed hopeful for a new day but also missing something I've never had.

Feeling alone is one of the strongest emotions I have ever met. And no matter how tight I hold onto the relationships I do have, sometimes, most times, it feels like I am 100% alone in this world. I have a few friends I see every now and then, one I talk to daily -- but that's superficial texting conversations, maybe a call every couple months, with a person I'm beginning to truly think I may never see in person again. These aren't things I would say are strong relationships. I have two girl friends that I would say I have strong unwavering friendships with. One lives in PA and one lives here. Other than these two women, I don't feel like I truly have anyone out there. I compare to these two who will answer my texts any time of day, who will sit and listen when I need a friend. They have been there for me through every single up and down. We have survived boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, friend-group break ups (again, sorry not sorry I never got that matching tattoo, girl), pregnancies, rebellion (as rebellious as we can be at 28 years old and on our own), crises of faith, just everything. And lately we have put more effort into our friendships and I can't even begin to tell them how much that means to me. These two women are theabsolute exception to everything I'm saying. 

When You get married you lose friends. You start a life as a couple and many single friends drop off. Hopefully the real friendships outlive that. But often, it's not intentional loss, but your focus is elsewhere and everyone stops trying.
When you have kids, people often drop out of your life. They don't want to hangout when there's a loud kid around. I get it. And sometimes it's really sad to see that friendships don't survive that.
And when you get divorced, you lose a whole new set of friends. Married couples don't often hang out with a single person. In some cases they do, but it's not the same. Friendships die off. There's no longer that family outing or double dates. You lose mutual friends you made together, people unintentionally take sides.
I don't want to say that I've truly lost people, they still exist, everyone for the most part is on good terms. But the friendships have gone. We've turned into old friends, new acquaintances. But all of this is also just part of growing up and figuring out who you need and want in your life.

The hopeless feeling that comes with loneliness is just so biting. And maybe that comes from having had something you may have thought would last forever, then having it not be there anymore. Maybe it comes from being so used to having someone sleep in your bed and the physical emptiness is this huge reminder that there isn't someone on your side (no pun intended, okay maybe sort of intended). Or maybe it's the lack of someone to smile at and say good morning to first thing, or to cuddle up to and say good night. It's the constant daily reminder that you are doing this on your own. For me it's all of the above but also just not having someone to talk to my day about. Those little things that made you laugh throughout the day, the annoying meeting you had to sit through with the religious lady who is constantly trying to save your soul for Joseph Smith, the student that literally tried to walk out with a 26in Mac like I wouldn't notice. It's the mundane that I miss. That I long for. The boring nights at home-together, the talks about each other's interests, the tv show you have to wait on the other person to watch the next episode or you have committed the ultimate relationship sin. 

I know everyone always says that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I think I disagree with that. Why can't you grow into that happiness together? If I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I them, then won't we both start to be happier with ourselves? Does that translate? I feel like it's hard to make sense of what I'm thinking with that. But that's how I feel. Such a huge part of me is loving other people. Is crossing oceans for people just to be sure that they are taken care of. While yes, I will agree, it takes it out of me sometimes to not have people pouring back into me, but I don't believe that means I should stop. I have such a heart for helping others, and believing in others, and loving others, that it doesn't even cross my mind to stop when someone doesn't show gratitude. But that stands to be different in a romantic relationship. I think there needs to be just as much give as there is take in that, otherwise you end up with one person feeling resentment for the other never even asking how their day was. Been there, done that. It's not the way a good relationship works. 

There have been quite a few days lately where I have cried over the hopeless pit of loneliness. Where I have put expectations on people and they haven't met them and I get hurt. People are not here to meet our expectations. Some people will never meet them. This fear almost pushed me into getting married this year to someone who was a good good person, but whom I just did not love like he deserved. I think I was blindsided by the truth that someone could truly love me again, and I began to talk myself into settling for a life I didn't totally want because I enjoyed having someone around again. I missed the 10 minute after work phone calls just to say hi real quick, I missed having someone ask about my day or how I was actually holding up. I missed arms wrapped around me from behind and late night chats about anything and everything. I missed the things I used to have so much that I was willing to be with the first person who gave me those things. Loneliness. It makes people do some crazy things.  

I believe that at 28 years old I am allowed to be picky about who is in my life. I don't make excuses or lie about it if I drop you out of my life. I don't hide my feelings- good or bad. I'm at this point where I am just tired out. Navigating this messed up "dating" world we live in now is definitely not on the top of my to do list. Give me someone I already know, instead. I have zero interest in going on awkward dates and getting to know all about someone new only to not see them again. That sounds exhausting. Give me a kind, and sweet, bearded (tattoos are always nice too), man who will drink tea with me, and go to the park, and maybe even a museum now and then. Who understands my dark humor and sarcasm but also cracks a smile at all my dumb jokes (even when he hates them). Who will introduce me to new things, who will love my girl as his own. Who wants to move mountains and cross oceans for me like I will for him. Who will go to the local breweries and movie nights with me. Who won't make me do all the driving all the time. Who doesn't judge my past and isn't intimidated by it. Someone who will meet me in my silence when my world feels scary and navigate it with me. Someone who reminds me that they love me. Who is trustworthy and wants to introduce me to his people and his interests but also wants to know mine. Someone who isn't trying to be my hero, I don't need that, but someone who wants to be my friend for life (*someone who wants to be my friend with benefits for life) haha). [1. I realize I just explained almost all of the guys in my life // 2. My spotify playlist is on shuffle and there's literally 2000 songs on it-- and "My head hurts" by Wavves came on. I try not to buy into "signs" from the universe or whatever, but that one was like a slap in the face ;) lol ]

For the first time in my life, I don't understand how to do life. Things are falling into place and out of place at the same time. I have to start thinking about what state I want to live in, if I want to live in an apartment or a house, if I want to commit to a few years or a lifetime in one place. I have to start thinking about Maggie and schooling and health benefits in each state. Not MS schools but not OH for her health. Do I make these decisions for myself and what I think is best or do I listen to and take into account everyone else? This is where I miss having a second half, someone to talk through all the pros and cons with me, to help me make big decisions. I'm starting to realize I don't have time for games. Dating after 30 is like "Are we doing this or not, I got things to do." Same goes for dating at 28 with a kid, a full time job, in grad school, and trying to find something somewhere that makes your life feel worth while. I want to have someone to pour into. To support, to laugh with, to travel with, to do all those things you do with another person. But I also don't want to settle for someone who doesn't meet most if not all of those things. I will be fine on my own. I am fine on my own. I provide for myself, I clean my house, I cook my own food (correction: I can cook, I just don't unless I have to haha), point being- I'm not looking for someone to wait on and be mother to. I'm looking for someone to do life by my side. But even then, I'm not really looking. I'm truly not in any real hurry. I'm dealing with the weird struggle of feeling alone in a big scary world, and if someone comes along and tells me I'm beautiful and calls to talk about my day, I might bat an eye their way. 

[and now M+M's by Blink 182 is playing. really, universe?]