Monday, September 5, 2016
Thursday, September 1, 2016
I don't ever read over these before I post them. Hope it's good.
Christian music sometimes makes me feel better, hopeful even. But other times it just makes me almost angry. No, I don't buy into the whole "well that's God dealing with you and you being angry" defense mechanism stance. I sometimes feel like Christians use God as a way to blow off peoples feelings and other issues by saying "God will take care of it" or "pray about it." Not to say He doesn't help people. I guess I'm just indifferent to some of the churchy lingo thrown around.
I'm at the absolute weirdest point in my life. The last few days have been so incredibly strange. I miss old things, I long for new. I woke up feeling hurt, guilt, and infatuation all at the same time. I went to bed hopeful for a new day but also missing something I've never had.
Feeling alone is one of the strongest emotions I have ever met. And no matter how tight I hold onto the relationships I do have, sometimes, most times, it feels like I am 100% alone in this world. I have a few friends I see every now and then, one I talk to daily -- but that's superficial texting conversations, maybe a call every couple months, with a person I'm beginning to truly think I may never see in person again. These aren't things I would say are strong relationships. I have two girl friends that I would say I have strong unwavering friendships with. One lives in PA and one lives here. Other than these two women, I don't feel like I truly have anyone out there. I compare to these two who will answer my texts any time of day, who will sit and listen when I need a friend. They have been there for me through every single up and down. We have survived boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, friend-group break ups (again, sorry not sorry I never got that matching tattoo, girl), pregnancies, rebellion (as rebellious as we can be at 28 years old and on our own), crises of faith, just everything. And lately we have put more effort into our friendships and I can't even begin to tell them how much that means to me. These two women are theabsolute exception to everything I'm saying.
When You get married you lose friends. You start a life as a couple and many single friends drop off. Hopefully the real friendships outlive that. But often, it's not intentional loss, but your focus is elsewhere and everyone stops trying.
When you have kids, people often drop out of your life. They don't want to hangout when there's a loud kid around. I get it. And sometimes it's really sad to see that friendships don't survive that.
And when you get divorced, you lose a whole new set of friends. Married couples don't often hang out with a single person. In some cases they do, but it's not the same. Friendships die off. There's no longer that family outing or double dates. You lose mutual friends you made together, people unintentionally take sides.
I don't want to say that I've truly lost people, they still exist, everyone for the most part is on good terms. But the friendships have gone. We've turned into old friends, new acquaintances. But all of this is also just part of growing up and figuring out who you need and want in your life.
The hopeless feeling that comes with loneliness is just so biting. And maybe that comes from having had something you may have thought would last forever, then having it not be there anymore. Maybe it comes from being so used to having someone sleep in your bed and the physical emptiness is this huge reminder that there isn't someone on your side (no pun intended, okay maybe sort of intended). Or maybe it's the lack of someone to smile at and say good morning to first thing, or to cuddle up to and say good night. It's the constant daily reminder that you are doing this on your own. For me it's all of the above but also just not having someone to talk to my day about. Those little things that made you laugh throughout the day, the annoying meeting you had to sit through with the religious lady who is constantly trying to save your soul for Joseph Smith, the student that literally tried to walk out with a 26in Mac like I wouldn't notice. It's the mundane that I miss. That I long for. The boring nights at home-together, the talks about each other's interests, the tv show you have to wait on the other person to watch the next episode or you have committed the ultimate relationship sin.
I know everyone always says that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I think I disagree with that. Why can't you grow into that happiness together? If I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I them, then won't we both start to be happier with ourselves? Does that translate? I feel like it's hard to make sense of what I'm thinking with that. But that's how I feel. Such a huge part of me is loving other people. Is crossing oceans for people just to be sure that they are taken care of. While yes, I will agree, it takes it out of me sometimes to not have people pouring back into me, but I don't believe that means I should stop. I have such a heart for helping others, and believing in others, and loving others, that it doesn't even cross my mind to stop when someone doesn't show gratitude. But that stands to be different in a romantic relationship. I think there needs to be just as much give as there is take in that, otherwise you end up with one person feeling resentment for the other never even asking how their day was. Been there, done that. It's not the way a good relationship works.
There have been quite a few days lately where I have cried over the hopeless pit of loneliness. Where I have put expectations on people and they haven't met them and I get hurt. People are not here to meet our expectations. Some people will never meet them. This fear almost pushed me into getting married this year to someone who was a good good person, but whom I just did not love like he deserved. I think I was blindsided by the truth that someone could truly love me again, and I began to talk myself into settling for a life I didn't totally want because I enjoyed having someone around again. I missed the 10 minute after work phone calls just to say hi real quick, I missed having someone ask about my day or how I was actually holding up. I missed arms wrapped around me from behind and late night chats about anything and everything. I missed the things I used to have so much that I was willing to be with the first person who gave me those things. Loneliness. It makes people do some crazy things.
I believe that at 28 years old I am allowed to be picky about who is in my life. I don't make excuses or lie about it if I drop you out of my life. I don't hide my feelings- good or bad. I'm at this point where I am just tired out. Navigating this messed up "dating" world we live in now is definitely not on the top of my to do list. Give me someone I already know, instead. I have zero interest in going on awkward dates and getting to know all about someone new only to not see them again. That sounds exhausting. Give me a kind, and sweet, bearded (tattoos are always nice too), man who will drink tea with me, and go to the park, and maybe even a museum now and then. Who understands my dark humor and sarcasm but also cracks a smile at all my dumb jokes (even when he hates them). Who will introduce me to new things, who will love my girl as his own. Who wants to move mountains and cross oceans for me like I will for him. Who will go to the local breweries and movie nights with me. Who won't make me do all the driving all the time. Who doesn't judge my past and isn't intimidated by it. Someone who will meet me in my silence when my world feels scary and navigate it with me. Someone who reminds me that they love me. Who is trustworthy and wants to introduce me to his people and his interests but also wants to know mine. Someone who isn't trying to be my hero, I don't need that, but someone who wants to be my friend for life (*someone who wants to be my friend with benefits for life) haha). [1. I realize I just explained almost all of the guys in my life // 2. My spotify playlist is on shuffle and there's literally 2000 songs on it-- and "My head hurts" by Wavves came on. I try not to buy into "signs" from the universe or whatever, but that one was like a slap in the face ;) lol ]
For the first time in my life, I don't understand how to do life. Things are falling into place and out of place at the same time. I have to start thinking about what state I want to live in, if I want to live in an apartment or a house, if I want to commit to a few years or a lifetime in one place. I have to start thinking about Maggie and schooling and health benefits in each state. Not MS schools but not OH for her health. Do I make these decisions for myself and what I think is best or do I listen to and take into account everyone else? This is where I miss having a second half, someone to talk through all the pros and cons with me, to help me make big decisions. I'm starting to realize I don't have time for games. Dating after 30 is like "Are we doing this or not, I got things to do." Same goes for dating at 28 with a kid, a full time job, in grad school, and trying to find something somewhere that makes your life feel worth while. I want to have someone to pour into. To support, to laugh with, to travel with, to do all those things you do with another person. But I also don't want to settle for someone who doesn't meet most if not all of those things. I will be fine on my own. I am fine on my own. I provide for myself, I clean my house, I cook my own food (correction: I can cook, I just don't unless I have to haha), point being- I'm not looking for someone to wait on and be mother to. I'm looking for someone to do life by my side. But even then, I'm not really looking. I'm truly not in any real hurry. I'm dealing with the weird struggle of feeling alone in a big scary world, and if someone comes along and tells me I'm beautiful and calls to talk about my day, I might bat an eye their way.
[and now M+M's by Blink 182 is playing. really, universe?]
I'm at the absolute weirdest point in my life. The last few days have been so incredibly strange. I miss old things, I long for new. I woke up feeling hurt, guilt, and infatuation all at the same time. I went to bed hopeful for a new day but also missing something I've never had.
Feeling alone is one of the strongest emotions I have ever met. And no matter how tight I hold onto the relationships I do have, sometimes, most times, it feels like I am 100% alone in this world. I have a few friends I see every now and then, one I talk to daily -- but that's superficial texting conversations, maybe a call every couple months, with a person I'm beginning to truly think I may never see in person again. These aren't things I would say are strong relationships. I have two girl friends that I would say I have strong unwavering friendships with. One lives in PA and one lives here. Other than these two women, I don't feel like I truly have anyone out there. I compare to these two who will answer my texts any time of day, who will sit and listen when I need a friend. They have been there for me through every single up and down. We have survived boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, friend-group break ups (again, sorry not sorry I never got that matching tattoo, girl), pregnancies, rebellion (as rebellious as we can be at 28 years old and on our own), crises of faith, just everything. And lately we have put more effort into our friendships and I can't even begin to tell them how much that means to me. These two women are theabsolute exception to everything I'm saying.
When You get married you lose friends. You start a life as a couple and many single friends drop off. Hopefully the real friendships outlive that. But often, it's not intentional loss, but your focus is elsewhere and everyone stops trying.
When you have kids, people often drop out of your life. They don't want to hangout when there's a loud kid around. I get it. And sometimes it's really sad to see that friendships don't survive that.
And when you get divorced, you lose a whole new set of friends. Married couples don't often hang out with a single person. In some cases they do, but it's not the same. Friendships die off. There's no longer that family outing or double dates. You lose mutual friends you made together, people unintentionally take sides.
I don't want to say that I've truly lost people, they still exist, everyone for the most part is on good terms. But the friendships have gone. We've turned into old friends, new acquaintances. But all of this is also just part of growing up and figuring out who you need and want in your life.
The hopeless feeling that comes with loneliness is just so biting. And maybe that comes from having had something you may have thought would last forever, then having it not be there anymore. Maybe it comes from being so used to having someone sleep in your bed and the physical emptiness is this huge reminder that there isn't someone on your side (no pun intended, okay maybe sort of intended). Or maybe it's the lack of someone to smile at and say good morning to first thing, or to cuddle up to and say good night. It's the constant daily reminder that you are doing this on your own. For me it's all of the above but also just not having someone to talk to my day about. Those little things that made you laugh throughout the day, the annoying meeting you had to sit through with the religious lady who is constantly trying to save your soul for Joseph Smith, the student that literally tried to walk out with a 26in Mac like I wouldn't notice. It's the mundane that I miss. That I long for. The boring nights at home-together, the talks about each other's interests, the tv show you have to wait on the other person to watch the next episode or you have committed the ultimate relationship sin.
I know everyone always says that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I think I disagree with that. Why can't you grow into that happiness together? If I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I them, then won't we both start to be happier with ourselves? Does that translate? I feel like it's hard to make sense of what I'm thinking with that. But that's how I feel. Such a huge part of me is loving other people. Is crossing oceans for people just to be sure that they are taken care of. While yes, I will agree, it takes it out of me sometimes to not have people pouring back into me, but I don't believe that means I should stop. I have such a heart for helping others, and believing in others, and loving others, that it doesn't even cross my mind to stop when someone doesn't show gratitude. But that stands to be different in a romantic relationship. I think there needs to be just as much give as there is take in that, otherwise you end up with one person feeling resentment for the other never even asking how their day was. Been there, done that. It's not the way a good relationship works.
There have been quite a few days lately where I have cried over the hopeless pit of loneliness. Where I have put expectations on people and they haven't met them and I get hurt. People are not here to meet our expectations. Some people will never meet them. This fear almost pushed me into getting married this year to someone who was a good good person, but whom I just did not love like he deserved. I think I was blindsided by the truth that someone could truly love me again, and I began to talk myself into settling for a life I didn't totally want because I enjoyed having someone around again. I missed the 10 minute after work phone calls just to say hi real quick, I missed having someone ask about my day or how I was actually holding up. I missed arms wrapped around me from behind and late night chats about anything and everything. I missed the things I used to have so much that I was willing to be with the first person who gave me those things. Loneliness. It makes people do some crazy things.
I believe that at 28 years old I am allowed to be picky about who is in my life. I don't make excuses or lie about it if I drop you out of my life. I don't hide my feelings- good or bad. I'm at this point where I am just tired out. Navigating this messed up "dating" world we live in now is definitely not on the top of my to do list. Give me someone I already know, instead. I have zero interest in going on awkward dates and getting to know all about someone new only to not see them again. That sounds exhausting. Give me a kind, and sweet, bearded (tattoos are always nice too), man who will drink tea with me, and go to the park, and maybe even a museum now and then. Who understands my dark humor and sarcasm but also cracks a smile at all my dumb jokes (even when he hates them). Who will introduce me to new things, who will love my girl as his own. Who wants to move mountains and cross oceans for me like I will for him. Who will go to the local breweries and movie nights with me. Who won't make me do all the driving all the time. Who doesn't judge my past and isn't intimidated by it. Someone who will meet me in my silence when my world feels scary and navigate it with me. Someone who reminds me that they love me. Who is trustworthy and wants to introduce me to his people and his interests but also wants to know mine. Someone who isn't trying to be my hero, I don't need that, but someone who wants to be my friend for life (*someone who wants to be my friend with benefits for life) haha). [1. I realize I just explained almost all of the guys in my life // 2. My spotify playlist is on shuffle and there's literally 2000 songs on it-- and "My head hurts" by Wavves came on. I try not to buy into "signs" from the universe or whatever, but that one was like a slap in the face ;) lol ]
For the first time in my life, I don't understand how to do life. Things are falling into place and out of place at the same time. I have to start thinking about what state I want to live in, if I want to live in an apartment or a house, if I want to commit to a few years or a lifetime in one place. I have to start thinking about Maggie and schooling and health benefits in each state. Not MS schools but not OH for her health. Do I make these decisions for myself and what I think is best or do I listen to and take into account everyone else? This is where I miss having a second half, someone to talk through all the pros and cons with me, to help me make big decisions. I'm starting to realize I don't have time for games. Dating after 30 is like "Are we doing this or not, I got things to do." Same goes for dating at 28 with a kid, a full time job, in grad school, and trying to find something somewhere that makes your life feel worth while. I want to have someone to pour into. To support, to laugh with, to travel with, to do all those things you do with another person. But I also don't want to settle for someone who doesn't meet most if not all of those things. I will be fine on my own. I am fine on my own. I provide for myself, I clean my house, I cook my own food (correction: I can cook, I just don't unless I have to haha), point being- I'm not looking for someone to wait on and be mother to. I'm looking for someone to do life by my side. But even then, I'm not really looking. I'm truly not in any real hurry. I'm dealing with the weird struggle of feeling alone in a big scary world, and if someone comes along and tells me I'm beautiful and calls to talk about my day, I might bat an eye their way.
[and now M+M's by Blink 182 is playing. really, universe?]
Monday, August 22, 2016
blahblahblah
Nothing profound to say here today. I'm just typing. And the grammar and structure are awful because there is literally 5% effort being put into this. They are drilling again outside my office. Or moreso inside the ceiling, so it's like it's in my office- and it's too loud for music, too loud for work. just too dang loud.
I am officially registered for my grad classes. That is exciting and something I never really thought about doing. I have a love hate relationship with school. I love to learn, I hate having to sit through lectures. And math. I hate math. I hate math as much as I hate spiders. And that's a large amount of hate.
I often do free online courses from Coursera just because I like the learning. I am aware of how nerdy I can be. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being educated. And if it interests you, why not keeping learning about it? My uncle just retired from National Geographic this week, 43 years. I have always thought that was the absolute coolest thing! All that he has learned over the years, all the traveling they've done-- never stop learning what you love! He is a definite inspiration to that idea!
I'm always texting my friends rando science stuff. I know they don't really care. And usually they just ignore it. Every now and then they'll ask what something is or to explain something, but very rarely do they ever actually open the article I sent. hahaha it's okay, guys. Someday someone will care about listening to what I care about and letting me talk about it like I let every. single. one. of you. talk about your stuff. No guilt trip or anything ;)
Today is the first day back for students. Fall is always so nostalgic for me. For all my first days of school in Ohio, to my first day of DTS in Nashville, to my first days of College both in MS and in PA and now in TN. I miss walking around campus to my first class in the chilly weather. Headphones, hoodies, and soon, boots, scarves, and hats. I don't miss walking around campus in a foot of snow though. But I miss the coffee dates, the late days at the school library, the smell of fresh fallen leaves and the cold wind on my face. I miss walking to my car in the evenings and going home to curl up on the couch with a warm cup of tea and a blanket (and is there is a person to curl up with, they can be included lol) and watching tv and doing homework for the evening. This time around school will be much different. For my third degree, I am going to take online classes and when I go home it will be to wrangle my kiddo, get her a bath, potentially get a text or two out to some people, finish some homework, long for the easier days, get to sleep at a decent hour and do it all again. I will greatly look forward to the weekends and holidays off from work.
Now for the drama you all so eagerly bite at:
In response to my last blog post: YOU GUYS. I truly can't believe the amount of messages I got from people about days you would re-live, take back or go through again. SO MANY absolutely thought provoking things. Thank you for sharing them with me! I mean often you all comment on facebook or message me, but the response was almost overwhelming! so many secrets, I felt like I was running my own personal Post Secret page for a minute! Thank you for letting me know you're all reading, and listening! I mean, I can see the amount of readers I have (and the countries, and it's wild some of you who read this!), but it doesn't mean much until people respond. I am hoping for some of you, you get to relive those wonderful days. And for the ones filled with regrets, I hope you someday learn to let go of those, and for the mistakes made-- that you will know you lived through them and you're better for it now, and that you too, will learn to make the best of life from here on out.
Also in response to the last two blogs: I had more than one or even two people message me asking who I was talking about-- if it was them, if it was so and so. Only one person had it right, and I was 95% sure he never read this thing. So oops on me. There are reasons you people of the internet world don't know who he is, and I don't talk about him in real life. Not any good reasons on my end. But probably some on his. But also there's not really anything to talk about. I come and go between being something he needs in his life, to being an option when he's bored. So that doesn't say a whole lot of good things to outsiders. But if there's ever been one person I've actually kept my promise to always be friends with, it's him. This thing goes both ways. And that's our business. ;) But I love you all the same. Even you who we haven't talked in years and then text other friends I haven't talked to in months asking if they know about my life-- you just make me giggle.
I have a hundred different thoughts in my head right now, and none of them are even important. so anyways, here is to another fall, another school year, another day to make new life choices. I'm excited to get home, curl up, drink some tea and wait for the rest of the adventures life will throw in my direction.
Xoxo
I am officially registered for my grad classes. That is exciting and something I never really thought about doing. I have a love hate relationship with school. I love to learn, I hate having to sit through lectures. And math. I hate math. I hate math as much as I hate spiders. And that's a large amount of hate.
I often do free online courses from Coursera just because I like the learning. I am aware of how nerdy I can be. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being educated. And if it interests you, why not keeping learning about it? My uncle just retired from National Geographic this week, 43 years. I have always thought that was the absolute coolest thing! All that he has learned over the years, all the traveling they've done-- never stop learning what you love! He is a definite inspiration to that idea!
I'm always texting my friends rando science stuff. I know they don't really care. And usually they just ignore it. Every now and then they'll ask what something is or to explain something, but very rarely do they ever actually open the article I sent. hahaha it's okay, guys. Someday someone will care about listening to what I care about and letting me talk about it like I let every. single. one. of you. talk about your stuff. No guilt trip or anything ;)
Today is the first day back for students. Fall is always so nostalgic for me. For all my first days of school in Ohio, to my first day of DTS in Nashville, to my first days of College both in MS and in PA and now in TN. I miss walking around campus to my first class in the chilly weather. Headphones, hoodies, and soon, boots, scarves, and hats. I don't miss walking around campus in a foot of snow though. But I miss the coffee dates, the late days at the school library, the smell of fresh fallen leaves and the cold wind on my face. I miss walking to my car in the evenings and going home to curl up on the couch with a warm cup of tea and a blanket (and is there is a person to curl up with, they can be included lol) and watching tv and doing homework for the evening. This time around school will be much different. For my third degree, I am going to take online classes and when I go home it will be to wrangle my kiddo, get her a bath, potentially get a text or two out to some people, finish some homework, long for the easier days, get to sleep at a decent hour and do it all again. I will greatly look forward to the weekends and holidays off from work.
Now for the drama you all so eagerly bite at:
In response to my last blog post: YOU GUYS. I truly can't believe the amount of messages I got from people about days you would re-live, take back or go through again. SO MANY absolutely thought provoking things. Thank you for sharing them with me! I mean often you all comment on facebook or message me, but the response was almost overwhelming! so many secrets, I felt like I was running my own personal Post Secret page for a minute! Thank you for letting me know you're all reading, and listening! I mean, I can see the amount of readers I have (and the countries, and it's wild some of you who read this!), but it doesn't mean much until people respond. I am hoping for some of you, you get to relive those wonderful days. And for the ones filled with regrets, I hope you someday learn to let go of those, and for the mistakes made-- that you will know you lived through them and you're better for it now, and that you too, will learn to make the best of life from here on out.
Also in response to the last two blogs: I had more than one or even two people message me asking who I was talking about-- if it was them, if it was so and so. Only one person had it right, and I was 95% sure he never read this thing. So oops on me. There are reasons you people of the internet world don't know who he is, and I don't talk about him in real life. Not any good reasons on my end. But probably some on his. But also there's not really anything to talk about. I come and go between being something he needs in his life, to being an option when he's bored. So that doesn't say a whole lot of good things to outsiders. But if there's ever been one person I've actually kept my promise to always be friends with, it's him. This thing goes both ways. And that's our business. ;) But I love you all the same. Even you who we haven't talked in years and then text other friends I haven't talked to in months asking if they know about my life-- you just make me giggle.
I have a hundred different thoughts in my head right now, and none of them are even important. so anyways, here is to another fall, another school year, another day to make new life choices. I'm excited to get home, curl up, drink some tea and wait for the rest of the adventures life will throw in my direction.
Xoxo
Friday, August 19, 2016
No regrets, just life
The other day I was asked "If you could go back and redo one day, 24 hours, what would it be?"
So I asked a few people. Some of the answers were as to be expected - "the day I left home" "the day I got in trouble" "the day I met so and so" "the day I didn't turn around and say what I felt." All the answers seem like movie answers. Looking for ways to romanticize our lives with the "what ifs" and could have beens.
I have a couple different days I can't decide between. Three actually. All 3 of them would have led to such incredibly lives for me. The first would probably be the day I came home and decided I would move across the country with my parents. They bought a house while we were on a vacation to Nashville. We came to the Memphis area for TWO DAYS in which they ended up buying a house. and being approved for the loan and everything went through in like 6 hours. It was wild. But I was a Junior in HS at the time, and in the end they gave me the option to stay at a family members house and finish out highschool, or move with them. I decided on a Wednesday, and my last day of school was a week and half later, Friday. I moved the next day. I absolutely love the life I lived years 16-19 down here, but what if I had stayed? I honestly have no clue who I would be. Would I have actually stayed in and finished (I left school at the end of junior year (i did end up with a diploma though) and traveled--my next what if)? Would I have ended up married to my high school boyfriend? Would I have been involved in my church? Or would I have fallen into the party scene as so many tended to do at that time? I can honestly say I have no clue what my life would have been if I stayed in Ohio.
When I was done with HS, a year early, at 17, I had a wonderful group of friends down here that to this day I attribute who I am to them. All the late nights, heartache, long drives, river runs, fireworks, favorite favorites days and friends-- I have never had a time I enjoyed so much in my life. But that same year, Hurricane Katrina hit. I live in Mississippi. Northern MS definitely didn't get it like southern did, but it hit home. I had to help. So I signed up to go for two weeks. But right before that time hit, I decided I would go join a missions school in Nashville (we still went down and helped) and that was 6 months. It was a great turning point in my life. My 2nd what if is what if I would have said yes to staying another 6 months and doing the second year there? I had always wanted to, but being home with my friends again was just filling that hole in my heart that missed them all so much. So at 18 I said no and kept living my life. Had I stayed? I probably would still be in YWAM doing missions work all over the world. An entirely different life. Probably not sitting here listening to Britney Spears' new song. lol
My last one would be this: I won't ever say I regret my marriage, it was a choice I made that at one time was good. But I didn't really learn much from it. Maybe just that when your intuition is right, follow it. But I think it would be the day we decided to go on our first date. It was such a perfect and fun night. But had I just been paying attention to my crazy Microbiology teacher going on about the Queen Bey's clothing options, instead of texting well, I might have got a better grade in there. But had I not been angry at my best friend and trying to be busy without her, I wouldn't have asked him to hang out, and had we never hung out I don't think we ever would have. I wouldn't have changed my mind about going to Univ of Southern MS for Marine Biology. I had been accepted into their very highly esteemed Marine Bio program and was set to leave in 3 months. When you start dating someone you've been talking to as friends for a while, you do it sort of knowing that it's like an "all in" type thing. Like "if we're gonna mess up this friendship we better go big or go home" sort of thing. So we went big. We took the dive. We started hanging out every single day even just for 5 minutes to say hi. After a month and half, me (I guess) foolishly thinking that we could make a 5 hour difference work, I ultimately made the decision to rescind my application and not move. I know the choice was mine in the end, but he asked me to stay, so I stayed. Now, 7 years removed from this decision, we should have seen the red flags in our lives. We were so young. We were so naive. I don't like to think about this decision, because the past is the past. And when you get to thinking about the what ifs, it just makes you crazy.
There are so so many things in my life I might take back if I had the chance to do them over. But I don't have the chance. So when my best friend says "you should have never moved, got married, lived with them, done that degree, bought that dog, car, whatever" (I promise she's a lot more supportive than that makes her sound)-- I can't help but get mad and say "DROP IT." The past is the past and we can't change anything that has happened. But we CAN learn from it. We can change our lives now, we can work harder, do better, make better decisions, stop to think something through. We have 1,440 minutes a day to change our lives. We can get up from our jobs we hate and literally walk out right now if we want to (I don't advise this, money is needed for life). We can pick up the phone and call or email or text the person we haven't talked to in years over some old grudge. We can do the same just to remind an old friend we love them. We can literally make our lives anything we want. So instead of thinking "if only I could do this again" what if we start to live our lives in the positive-- make the new days what you wish the old days were like.
However, I want to hear your thoughts! If you could redo any day, a full 24 hours, what would it be?
Tuesday, August 16, 2016
Don't bother reading this it's pointless
I've long held this belief that your significant other should be someone who can be your friend, your lover, your helper, your guide, your calm in the storm, your secret keeper, your needs filler, your complete person. I've held this belief because in my previous relationships, that's how it was. We did everything together, we had the same friends, we did the same things, I often just gave in and did what the other person wanted because it was easier than conflict. But your SO can't be everything to you. They just can't. That's too much pressure for one person. I've been on both sides of that argument and now I've really been reevaluating my thoughts on relationships and SO's lately. As I think about the men in my life over the last 5 years, I am realizing just how very different they all were. are? have been?
The first was good until it went bad. We we talked for months before going on a date, then went to exclusively dating. We had mutual friends, so we were able to do almost everything together. We loved each others interests and hobbies, we were happy to paint houses, do yard work, or just hang out at home or go to a movie together. Eventually it turned into the same date every Tuesday night, one worked full time while the other stayed home and worked on school. We lost our want to hang out, we lost ourselves, both of us, in trying to make the other happy. We built a friendship first, which I think has still carried over to this day. The good, the bad, the ugly, we are still friends, all heartbreak and hardship aside. We share a child together. We had a good life together. And just because that is over now, doesn't mean I don't enjoy him any less. We may not be in love anymore, but we still understand the sarcasm, inside jokes, and general hilarity of the last 7 years.
The next was a quick romance, we started out as dating there was no friendship before hand. We lived in different places but we were in constant contact. We hung out every other weekend, we always went and did big things, things we've both always wanted to do. We would stay in sometimes too, but more often we went out. We had fun and good conversation. But there were some concerns, red flags if you will, that I spotted for myself early on. I tried to say we were both overlooking things in each other, but in the end there were somethings I just couldn't shake. He was exactly what I thought I wanted when we started dating, but I realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all. The whole constant contact thing- when I was younger was maybe a thing I liked, maybe it showed to me they were interested in my life or cared enough to know what I was doing... but as I've grown up, to me, it's just...smothering. I talk a lot. I like to talk. When I don't know someone I like to get to know all the things about them. I think I have interesting stories so I tell them back. But there is just something different about someone needing to know where I am every second of the day, when we are just dating- not living together, not even in the same town, vs. just getting to know everything about them, that is a little too much for me.
I love sweet things- flowers brought home every now and then, dinner and a movie, holding hands. But I've learned that even though I think the cute stuff is sometimes necessary and let's me know my guy is thinking about me, I believe that it's not in the THINGS that can be bought, but it's in the good morning texts, the afternoon phone calls, the "You're beautiful" compliments or the "you're doing a good job" affirmations. It's in the "hey, I want to take you and your kid to the park but I also want to take you to the park *wink wink nudge nudge*"
There is a want for down to earth in my life. I understand that when the love bug hits, it can hit hard. But as a 28 year old divorced mom, I don't have time right now to keep my head in the clouds.
Which leads me to the next thought. I started "talking" to someone not too long ago. It started as a friendship and somehow, maybe we were both in vulnerable spots, or maybe it's really something (I'm not sure yet), it turned into this sort of...thing. But we lead different lives. We work, we have responsibilities at home, we have plans, goals, and lives aside from each other. But instead of trying to move mountains ourselves to make our lives match up, we sort of agree that we just need to wait and see what happens. But on that note-- He started his game strong-- every day with the "good morning, beautiful" texts on our ways to work, cute little reminders throughout the day that he was thinking about me, he would talk to me about what he was working on, he would tell me he missed me, we would have actual conversations about actual stuff. His mind is so creative and beautiful. I'm aware of how corny and poetic that sounds. I could honestly just sit and listen to him talk for hours. BUT- he isn't much of a talker. He is pretty much emotionally unavailable. He gets sucked into his hobbies or responsibilities and I might not hear from him for an entire day or more. But when I do hear from him, (time for more poetic crap) he calms my storm as much as he starts it. But whatever this thing is, it's not just about finding someone to be with, it's about finding a friend to go through life with, that is and has always been there for you. I have no doubt that he would be a little more available if we were actually in a relationship, but right now we aren't, and I'm not positive we ever will be, I hope so, but I'll take what I can get. He may not always ask how my day is (which can be rough when I just want to talk to someone about my super crappy day), but he often asks how Maggie is doing, or what we are up to. He does try, maybe not always as much as I would like, but it's there. However, after a few months now, he will still talk about the future, but he no longer tells me I'm beautiful daily, no longer likes my posts on Instagram (I'm aware that's not actually a thing to be hung up on, and I'm not), he only sometimes tells me good morning and lately so many of his texts are one word answers. One day he seems into it, the next it's like we've never discussed a relationship. So in my opinion, it's clear that the bus stops here. Which is a hard pill to swallow. I really think this could be something, but I think it's clear that for now-- we are on two different bus lines. So, back to the waiting to see what comes. Que sera, sera. (I'm only 95% sure he doesn't read this blog, but if you do-- hey, homie ;) now you know.)
When I think about my life in the future, I do see someone in it, doing life with me and Maggie. Someone who will go to the park with us, who will hold my hand and walk around down town with me, who will encourage the things I believe in and want to do in life, but also someone who has his own life to live. I don't have the time to be babysat, or to babysit. I don't have time to bicker over the friendships I have with people who were my family for 7 years. I don't have energy to waste on someone who won't put energy into me, who won't make time for me. I am looking for someone to walk beside me, to compliment me, to help me along. I'm not looking for someone who wants to try and "save" me. In the wise words of "Rent"-- "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" (I just really think that line is so perfect, because we all have baggage, but it's how we choose to carry it that makes all the difference).
I guess I'm looking for someone in-between all of these things. Someone who can hold educated conversations with me, who can pick my brain. Someone who can be just as sarcastic to me as I can be to them. Someone who goes out of their way to make me laugh or smile when I'm having a rough day, not just say "oh I'm sorry."Someone who doesn't try to run my life, who will meet me in the middle on the big things in our life. Someone who doesn't try to speak for me, but let's me be my own individual. Someone who, to put it simply, matches my efforts. I think that I'm just looking for someone to accept me how I am, and I can accept him, and there's not any trying to change each other, but there's a mutual effort and happiness and understanding of our lives. A friendship but not a complete total reliance on the other person. Does that make sense? I guess this is what modern day relationships are. And I feel lost in navigating this world all over again. But I know the unicorn is out there.
The first was good until it went bad. We we talked for months before going on a date, then went to exclusively dating. We had mutual friends, so we were able to do almost everything together. We loved each others interests and hobbies, we were happy to paint houses, do yard work, or just hang out at home or go to a movie together. Eventually it turned into the same date every Tuesday night, one worked full time while the other stayed home and worked on school. We lost our want to hang out, we lost ourselves, both of us, in trying to make the other happy. We built a friendship first, which I think has still carried over to this day. The good, the bad, the ugly, we are still friends, all heartbreak and hardship aside. We share a child together. We had a good life together. And just because that is over now, doesn't mean I don't enjoy him any less. We may not be in love anymore, but we still understand the sarcasm, inside jokes, and general hilarity of the last 7 years.
The next was a quick romance, we started out as dating there was no friendship before hand. We lived in different places but we were in constant contact. We hung out every other weekend, we always went and did big things, things we've both always wanted to do. We would stay in sometimes too, but more often we went out. We had fun and good conversation. But there were some concerns, red flags if you will, that I spotted for myself early on. I tried to say we were both overlooking things in each other, but in the end there were somethings I just couldn't shake. He was exactly what I thought I wanted when we started dating, but I realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all. The whole constant contact thing- when I was younger was maybe a thing I liked, maybe it showed to me they were interested in my life or cared enough to know what I was doing... but as I've grown up, to me, it's just...smothering. I talk a lot. I like to talk. When I don't know someone I like to get to know all the things about them. I think I have interesting stories so I tell them back. But there is just something different about someone needing to know where I am every second of the day, when we are just dating- not living together, not even in the same town, vs. just getting to know everything about them, that is a little too much for me.
I love sweet things- flowers brought home every now and then, dinner and a movie, holding hands. But I've learned that even though I think the cute stuff is sometimes necessary and let's me know my guy is thinking about me, I believe that it's not in the THINGS that can be bought, but it's in the good morning texts, the afternoon phone calls, the "You're beautiful" compliments or the "you're doing a good job" affirmations. It's in the "hey, I want to take you and your kid to the park but I also want to take you to the park *wink wink nudge nudge*"
There is a want for down to earth in my life. I understand that when the love bug hits, it can hit hard. But as a 28 year old divorced mom, I don't have time right now to keep my head in the clouds.
Which leads me to the next thought. I started "talking" to someone not too long ago. It started as a friendship and somehow, maybe we were both in vulnerable spots, or maybe it's really something (I'm not sure yet), it turned into this sort of...thing. But we lead different lives. We work, we have responsibilities at home, we have plans, goals, and lives aside from each other. But instead of trying to move mountains ourselves to make our lives match up, we sort of agree that we just need to wait and see what happens. But on that note-- He started his game strong-- every day with the "good morning, beautiful" texts on our ways to work, cute little reminders throughout the day that he was thinking about me, he would talk to me about what he was working on, he would tell me he missed me, we would have actual conversations about actual stuff. His mind is so creative and beautiful. I'm aware of how corny and poetic that sounds. I could honestly just sit and listen to him talk for hours. BUT- he isn't much of a talker. He is pretty much emotionally unavailable. He gets sucked into his hobbies or responsibilities and I might not hear from him for an entire day or more. But when I do hear from him, (time for more poetic crap) he calms my storm as much as he starts it. But whatever this thing is, it's not just about finding someone to be with, it's about finding a friend to go through life with, that is and has always been there for you. I have no doubt that he would be a little more available if we were actually in a relationship, but right now we aren't, and I'm not positive we ever will be, I hope so, but I'll take what I can get. He may not always ask how my day is (which can be rough when I just want to talk to someone about my super crappy day), but he often asks how Maggie is doing, or what we are up to. He does try, maybe not always as much as I would like, but it's there. However, after a few months now, he will still talk about the future, but he no longer tells me I'm beautiful daily, no longer likes my posts on Instagram (I'm aware that's not actually a thing to be hung up on, and I'm not), he only sometimes tells me good morning and lately so many of his texts are one word answers. One day he seems into it, the next it's like we've never discussed a relationship. So in my opinion, it's clear that the bus stops here. Which is a hard pill to swallow. I really think this could be something, but I think it's clear that for now-- we are on two different bus lines. So, back to the waiting to see what comes. Que sera, sera. (I'm only 95% sure he doesn't read this blog, but if you do-- hey, homie ;) now you know.)
When I think about my life in the future, I do see someone in it, doing life with me and Maggie. Someone who will go to the park with us, who will hold my hand and walk around down town with me, who will encourage the things I believe in and want to do in life, but also someone who has his own life to live. I don't have the time to be babysat, or to babysit. I don't have time to bicker over the friendships I have with people who were my family for 7 years. I don't have energy to waste on someone who won't put energy into me, who won't make time for me. I am looking for someone to walk beside me, to compliment me, to help me along. I'm not looking for someone who wants to try and "save" me. In the wise words of "Rent"-- "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" (I just really think that line is so perfect, because we all have baggage, but it's how we choose to carry it that makes all the difference).
I guess I'm looking for someone in-between all of these things. Someone who can hold educated conversations with me, who can pick my brain. Someone who can be just as sarcastic to me as I can be to them. Someone who goes out of their way to make me laugh or smile when I'm having a rough day, not just say "oh I'm sorry."Someone who doesn't try to run my life, who will meet me in the middle on the big things in our life. Someone who doesn't try to speak for me, but let's me be my own individual. Someone who, to put it simply, matches my efforts. I think that I'm just looking for someone to accept me how I am, and I can accept him, and there's not any trying to change each other, but there's a mutual effort and happiness and understanding of our lives. A friendship but not a complete total reliance on the other person. Does that make sense? I guess this is what modern day relationships are. And I feel lost in navigating this world all over again. But I know the unicorn is out there.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Happy Birthday, Maggie Jean!
Two years ago I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of little Maggie Jean. She was estimated to be 10 lbs (!!!) so we scheduled a c-section for August 15 (her due date). On Friday August 8 I went to the doctor in the morning and he said he wanted me to have her that weekend! We didn't have anything prepared at the house -- David was in the process of staying elsewhere until I moved, but we were also packing my things so that roommates could move in with him once I left (so we didn't pay to break the lease since he stayed in PA for the next year). We didn't have any space set up for Maggie, I hadn't even finished payroll for the week at work! I just remember that being such a whirlwind of a day. So I went to work, luckily it was slow - the workers were all "laid off" for the week as production was slow, none of the bosses were in, just me and a couple of the guys. I finished payroll and typed up a manual for whoever was going to take my place, paid and filed the last of the bills I could do, called our contractors and emailed work sites to let them know I would no longer be there after today, and said my goodbyes. I went to the grocery store on my way home and got some last minute things I thought I would need and went home to organize and try to get as ready as one can possibly be to have a baby!
Saturday went by fast, then Sunday came. On Sunday we went to the hospital prepared to meet our little girl that day. The doctors checked me in (if you live in ERIE, I truly suggest going to UPMC, it's beautiful!), and the waiting game began. They gave me my first dose of cytotec (to start labor basically) and it didn't do anything but cause contractions. I had contractions all night, and about 4am they gave me a second dose. Maggie was nowhere to be seen around 8am, so the doctors (the same who said to have her this weekend) gave me two options, I could go home and wait it out or have a csection later that day. I was moving in two weeks so we opted for that day. after 7 hours of waiting in a tiny recovery room with my mom and David, the doctors finally took me back.
I had a spinal block, which was terrifying. But as soon as they laid me back, we were ready to go. David came in and literally it went like this:
D: "hey, how are you?"
Me: "scared, this is scary. how are you?"
D: "I'm ok. excited. nervous..."
*Cue Maggie crying*
It went SO FAST. David went and scooped her up, showed her to me, then they were back out to our room (I hear D wouldn't let my mom hold Maggie because he just kept hugging her and taking pictures lol he was pretty excited)
Things got interesting here. They had a shift change in the middle of my 5 minute surgery. WHAT? So the count got off on some needles.... so they had to call radiology to make sure they didn't leave one in me...WHAT?! So I was in there for about 40 minutes when a nurse called to make sure all was ok, she noticed I wasn't with my family and didn't want them to freak out. The doctor went and sat down and turned on Pandora for me to listen to and the sweet little nurse just talked with me to keep me from being bummed out that my kid was already 1.5 hours old when I finally got to see her! Anyways, They did xrays twice and I finally got to go see my girl and all was well in the world.
Born at 2pm, this 6lb (not 10!!) 21 in long beautiful girl would forever change our lives.
We lived in PA for 2 weeks, then moved to MS. It has been the most exciting, tiring, love-filled, stressful two years of my life. But I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.
*Pretty much this exactly
Maggie's Godmother, Dad, Me, and My Brother - Her Godfather at her baptism.
Saturday, July 30, 2016
whatevs
11 pm on a Friday night. My kid has been asleep for a couple hours, what seems like the only person I talk to is MIA (but probably sleeping), and I just decided to list my wedding ring for sale.
Talk about a fast week. I don't even remember Monday, I thought today was only Wednesday when I woke up. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to begin. Like I'm stuck in this same lonely boring cycle waiting for something to happen. I am only talking about myself here. I know I have Maggie. I know she is growing and excited and we live every single day through the eyes of her two year old adventurous mind. She does keep me on my toes.
But for myself, where does my life start? My life is going, now, yes. But for whatever reason I feel so behind. I will be starting grad school in the fall (though you'd never be able to tell from the grammar of this post), my girl friends and I are planning a trip to Hawaii for our 30th birthdays, and somehow all the guys in my life are making me insane in all the different ways men make women insane. So from the sounds of it, I am right where a 28 year old should be. But it just seems like something is missing. I can speculate. But to be honest I don't completely know what it is. I don't completely know because I don't completely know what I want with my life. I want a family, I want a good job. I want happiness. I think that's what's missing.
This morning every single stupid meme on the internet was just hilarious to me. I was laughing until I was crying. But I felt empty inside. It's such a strange, weird feeling to laugh but feel...dead. I don't normally feel this way, but today I did. I have this literal ache in my soul for missing a person I never intended to miss, I had to ask my Ex about something which just opened a new can of worms, and I listed my wedding ring for sale. Today I hit every single emotion in the book. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. (Cue where I miss having a significant other or best friend who is on my side).
At the end of the night all I can hope for is that I can find happiness away from relationships for the time being. That I can learn to be patient when I want nothing more than to curl up with someone and laugh at this ridiculous show I'm watching. That I will find and rekindle good friendships with good women. That at a young age of 28, I won't feel like my life is at a stand still, a never ending cycle of boredom. That I will just believe that in the right timing, everything will fall together exactly how it should.
As for the ring, I have mixed emotions. It's a beautiful ring, but I will never wear it again. So, I hope it sells fast, and that will be the last piece of that part of my life to go.
I know this is sort of all over the place. I guess I used this as my journal tonight. I should probably start writing one of those again. I'm sure that will never happen.
Sweet dreams, blogosphere, Thanks for listening.
(p.s. if you're interested in seeing (or buying!) the ring: https://www.etsy.com/listing/469189227/vintage-white-gold-diamond-ring-size-9 )
Talk about a fast week. I don't even remember Monday, I thought today was only Wednesday when I woke up. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to begin. Like I'm stuck in this same lonely boring cycle waiting for something to happen. I am only talking about myself here. I know I have Maggie. I know she is growing and excited and we live every single day through the eyes of her two year old adventurous mind. She does keep me on my toes.
But for myself, where does my life start? My life is going, now, yes. But for whatever reason I feel so behind. I will be starting grad school in the fall (though you'd never be able to tell from the grammar of this post), my girl friends and I are planning a trip to Hawaii for our 30th birthdays, and somehow all the guys in my life are making me insane in all the different ways men make women insane. So from the sounds of it, I am right where a 28 year old should be. But it just seems like something is missing. I can speculate. But to be honest I don't completely know what it is. I don't completely know because I don't completely know what I want with my life. I want a family, I want a good job. I want happiness. I think that's what's missing.
This morning every single stupid meme on the internet was just hilarious to me. I was laughing until I was crying. But I felt empty inside. It's such a strange, weird feeling to laugh but feel...dead. I don't normally feel this way, but today I did. I have this literal ache in my soul for missing a person I never intended to miss, I had to ask my Ex about something which just opened a new can of worms, and I listed my wedding ring for sale. Today I hit every single emotion in the book. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. (Cue where I miss having a significant other or best friend who is on my side).
At the end of the night all I can hope for is that I can find happiness away from relationships for the time being. That I can learn to be patient when I want nothing more than to curl up with someone and laugh at this ridiculous show I'm watching. That I will find and rekindle good friendships with good women. That at a young age of 28, I won't feel like my life is at a stand still, a never ending cycle of boredom. That I will just believe that in the right timing, everything will fall together exactly how it should.
As for the ring, I have mixed emotions. It's a beautiful ring, but I will never wear it again. So, I hope it sells fast, and that will be the last piece of that part of my life to go.
I know this is sort of all over the place. I guess I used this as my journal tonight. I should probably start writing one of those again. I'm sure that will never happen.
Sweet dreams, blogosphere, Thanks for listening.
(p.s. if you're interested in seeing (or buying!) the ring: https://www.etsy.com/listing/469189227/vintage-white-gold-diamond-ring-size-9 )
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