It's not the end, it's a new beginning

Divorce is not the end. It's just a bump in the road. A terrible messy blow all the tires out and total the car bump, but a bump nonetheless. People get through this. You will survive.

Today my divorce was finalized. And just  like that, the signing of a paper, a stamp pressed on- an entire marriage is demolished, ended, over.

I've written and deleted this post 3 times now. I've thought of clever things to say, I've vented in anger and hurt. And when it comes down to it, it's as simple as this:

over 2 years ago my husband left. He left for someone else. I should have stopped then and just let him walk away but I continued to fight for my marriage until today. Until I was forced otherwise. Over the course of two years though, I have seen him move on with his life, I have seen the things that you can't see up close when you are in the relationship and I've realized some things.

1. Jesus saves. Jesus redeems. Jesus loves. Jesus Is.

Jesus Jesus Jesus. That is the only name by which we are saved. He is the only one to guide me, love me endlessly, and take my burdens and share my load. 

2. Life goes on. People survive affairs. People survive divorce. 

It is all messy and horrible. There are affairs and then there are those who decide if they're going to have an affair that they are going to go all out and as bad as they can make it. And I would never wish the situation I've been through on my worst enemy. I know life could be worse: but until you go through a divorce, you can never understand the pain and the type of hurt that that kind of rejection brings.

3. Motherhood is exhausting

Whether you're single or not, motherhood is down right exhausting. And the sadness felt over your child not having a father around daily is painful. And the depth of sadness of losing everything but not being able to take a day to yourself to mourn your loss is depressing. But that smile and that little giggle of that little girl when you walk in the room can brighten even the darkest time. 

4. There are small joys to be appreciated:

I get to listen to whatever I want on the radio. I get to sleep on the other side of the bed. I get to watch whatever I feel like on TV. I get to try different and new foods. I get to decorate how I want. I get to wear my favorite dress because I don't think it's ugly, it's pretty dang cute if you ask me. 

5. Life is still good. 

While I have lost my job, my home, my dog and my husband. I have gained my independence, my faith, my strength and my life back. There is so much in life to be happy about. To be joyful about. To be thankful about. God is good all the time. All the time God is good. He has provided and kept me in his hands. He has guided my every step through this process. He knows my heart and He knows my thoughts. He loves me with an unending, unfailing love. He will never leave me, He will never hurt me, He will always be good and right. And I am so happy to be so in love with such an amazing God. I am so prepared and excited to be able to follow his call on my life, and go where He sends me. I am so ready to be a wife and a mother who can raise my children to know of God's love for them and that His works are good. 

So today while I quietly sit and cry and write and try to figure out this new road I'm on, I won't forget that there is still good in the world. There is still a full life to live, not only for myself but also for Maggie. There are birthdays to be had, trips to be taken, and so so much life left to live. While I am sad over the loss of my marriage, I am ready to move on and leave the past behind me. 

Today our family is officially -1. And today I'm okay with that.