11 pm on a Friday night. My kid has been asleep for a couple hours, what seems like the only person I talk to is MIA (but probably sleeping), and I just decided to list my wedding ring for sale.
Talk about a fast week. I don't even remember Monday, I thought today was only Wednesday when I woke up. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to begin. Like I'm stuck in this same lonely boring cycle waiting for something to happen. I am only talking about myself here. I know I have Maggie. I know she is growing and excited and we live every single day through the eyes of her two year old adventurous mind. She does keep me on my toes.
But for myself, where does my life start? My life is going, now, yes. But for whatever reason I feel so behind. I will be starting grad school in the fall (though you'd never be able to tell from the grammar of this post), my girl friends and I are planning a trip to Hawaii for our 30th birthdays, and somehow all the guys in my life are making me insane in all the different ways men make women insane. So from the sounds of it, I am right where a 28 year old should be. But it just seems like something is missing. I can speculate. But to be honest I don't completely know what it is. I don't completely know because I don't completely know what I want with my life. I want a family, I want a good job. I want happiness. I think that's what's missing.
This morning every single stupid meme on the internet was just hilarious to me. I was laughing until I was crying. But I felt empty inside. It's such a strange, weird feeling to laugh but feel...dead. I don't normally feel this way, but today I did. I have this literal ache in my soul for missing a person I never intended to miss, I had to ask my Ex about something which just opened a new can of worms, and I listed my wedding ring for sale. Today I hit every single emotion in the book. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. (Cue where I miss having a significant other or best friend who is on my side).
At the end of the night all I can hope for is that I can find happiness away from relationships for the time being. That I can learn to be patient when I want nothing more than to curl up with someone and laugh at this ridiculous show I'm watching. That I will find and rekindle good friendships with good women. That at a young age of 28, I won't feel like my life is at a stand still, a never ending cycle of boredom. That I will just believe that in the right timing, everything will fall together exactly how it should.
As for the ring, I have mixed emotions. It's a beautiful ring, but I will never wear it again. So, I hope it sells fast, and that will be the last piece of that part of my life to go.
I know this is sort of all over the place. I guess I used this as my journal tonight. I should probably start writing one of those again. I'm sure that will never happen.
Sweet dreams, blogosphere, Thanks for listening.
(p.s. if you're interested in seeing (or buying!) the ring: https://www.etsy.com/listing/469189227/vintage-white-gold-diamond-ring-size-9 )
Saturday, July 30, 2016
Thursday, July 21, 2016
milestones
The last year has been full of so many ups and downs. My faith has strengthened and wavered, my friendships have come and gone, my dating life has been a wreck, and my sweet girl is now almost 2 years old (this might be the hardest pill to swallow). If you had told me this time last year (and even still some days now) that I would make it through, that I will be okay-- I may have rolled my eyes and said "yeah, okay."
But yesterday I put air in my tires on my own, for the first time. I killed an actually pretty big spider hanging in my living room. I put money into my savings account. Paid all sorts of bills I never even thought of 10 years ago (I now owe only 1/4 of what I paid for my car!). And at the end of the night I tucked my girl into bed, read her a story, said our prayers, and we both went to sleep knowing that we are being taken care of. That we have a good car, a roof over our heads, I can work my job and send her to a wonderful sitter, and if she wants the Minnie mouse toy at the store- I can actually afford to buy it for her.
These are the little unnoticed milestones in the rebuilding of a life. I will admit, there are days when I can't see a light at the end of any of the tunnels, but when I really stop to think-- I had a major life setback, that wasn't a product of my own choices -- we are doing just fine. Given, we are doing this okay because we have wonderful, supportive, and helpful family and friends. I wouldn't have made it through the last year without them, and that's a fact.
At 28 years old I truly had a different vision for my life. But when I think about what that vision was, and while I don't necessarily condone divorce, I see so clearly that D and I were on different paths in life. I will never regret my first marriage, but I can only hope that everyone involved in the terrible destruction that it was will learn and grow abundantly from it.
Today I am meeting with Profit/Nonprofit Administration degree program department head to discuss starting my Master's degree in January. This is definitely a 180 from the degree I so passionately wanted to pursue when I started college. I began in Biology, Marine biology (will always be the first love of my life). When I met D, we decided to move to PA which happens to be nowhere near an ocean (yes, I know there is Lake Erie, but that's not the same). So I switched to Earth Science, which will stay a constant love and interest until I die. This is where having children and being on your own changes everything-- I know some people will say to never give up on your dreams, but Maggie is part of my life's dreams, so I am choosing her over underwater cave diving, standing on the edge of volcanoes, and discovering if the Megalodon shark really does still exist (I'm not convinced they don't). I have always had 3 very different things I have wanted to do in life- Marine/Earth sciences, wedding planning/ owning a hall, and helping others- open a sort of shelter, get on your feet, cater to the under-served people of our city country. So today I meet with these advisers to take the first step in the only one of those three jobs that (seems to me) will give my life some meaning. Something worth while. A legacy to leave behind, a place and a hope that people can believe in. A Dream Center (See this link if you are interested in seeing where my mindset is with this place). I believe there is so much more we as people can do for others, and I believe we need to do it, no questions asked.
One year ago I knew I would make it out, I would find the other side of the grief, the loss, the depression that was so desperately trying to make me sink under. I was more hopeful in the midst of the pain than I am some days now. But now I know, without a doubt, that my life is on the right track for me and my girl. As I take this time to spend it bettering myself and in turn - our life, just getting to know who she is becoming - and getting to know this new me in the mix, I am confident that all the gaps will be filled in with the people and things that are supposed to fill them. I am sure that even when I don't speak to Him for days at a time, or some weeks only to tell Him I'm angry- that God is weaving together our perfect plan. I praised Him through the entire wild and crazy storm of the last 3 years, I need to remember to keep praising Him now, while everything is slowly but surely falling back into place.
So this week marks so many milestones in my life, small and big. I hope this date won't forever be ingrained in my memory as the day I got divorced, and I'm sure it won't. But hopefully I can remember it from now on as the day I decided to change my life from what was, to what can be.
But yesterday I put air in my tires on my own, for the first time. I killed an actually pretty big spider hanging in my living room. I put money into my savings account. Paid all sorts of bills I never even thought of 10 years ago (I now owe only 1/4 of what I paid for my car!). And at the end of the night I tucked my girl into bed, read her a story, said our prayers, and we both went to sleep knowing that we are being taken care of. That we have a good car, a roof over our heads, I can work my job and send her to a wonderful sitter, and if she wants the Minnie mouse toy at the store- I can actually afford to buy it for her.
These are the little unnoticed milestones in the rebuilding of a life. I will admit, there are days when I can't see a light at the end of any of the tunnels, but when I really stop to think-- I had a major life setback, that wasn't a product of my own choices -- we are doing just fine. Given, we are doing this okay because we have wonderful, supportive, and helpful family and friends. I wouldn't have made it through the last year without them, and that's a fact.
At 28 years old I truly had a different vision for my life. But when I think about what that vision was, and while I don't necessarily condone divorce, I see so clearly that D and I were on different paths in life. I will never regret my first marriage, but I can only hope that everyone involved in the terrible destruction that it was will learn and grow abundantly from it.
Today I am meeting with Profit/Nonprofit Administration degree program department head to discuss starting my Master's degree in January. This is definitely a 180 from the degree I so passionately wanted to pursue when I started college. I began in Biology, Marine biology (will always be the first love of my life). When I met D, we decided to move to PA which happens to be nowhere near an ocean (yes, I know there is Lake Erie, but that's not the same). So I switched to Earth Science, which will stay a constant love and interest until I die. This is where having children and being on your own changes everything-- I know some people will say to never give up on your dreams, but Maggie is part of my life's dreams, so I am choosing her over underwater cave diving, standing on the edge of volcanoes, and discovering if the Megalodon shark really does still exist (I'm not convinced they don't). I have always had 3 very different things I have wanted to do in life- Marine/Earth sciences, wedding planning/ owning a hall, and helping others- open a sort of shelter, get on your feet, cater to the under-served people of our city country. So today I meet with these advisers to take the first step in the only one of those three jobs that (seems to me) will give my life some meaning. Something worth while. A legacy to leave behind, a place and a hope that people can believe in. A Dream Center (See this link if you are interested in seeing where my mindset is with this place). I believe there is so much more we as people can do for others, and I believe we need to do it, no questions asked.
One year ago I knew I would make it out, I would find the other side of the grief, the loss, the depression that was so desperately trying to make me sink under. I was more hopeful in the midst of the pain than I am some days now. But now I know, without a doubt, that my life is on the right track for me and my girl. As I take this time to spend it bettering myself and in turn - our life, just getting to know who she is becoming - and getting to know this new me in the mix, I am confident that all the gaps will be filled in with the people and things that are supposed to fill them. I am sure that even when I don't speak to Him for days at a time, or some weeks only to tell Him I'm angry- that God is weaving together our perfect plan. I praised Him through the entire wild and crazy storm of the last 3 years, I need to remember to keep praising Him now, while everything is slowly but surely falling back into place.
So this week marks so many milestones in my life, small and big. I hope this date won't forever be ingrained in my memory as the day I got divorced, and I'm sure it won't. But hopefully I can remember it from now on as the day I decided to change my life from what was, to what can be.
Tuesday, July 12, 2016
Que sera, sera
"There are days I want better for us, and days I'm content. There are days I want to be alone, and days I want to spend every minute with her. There are days I hope she will get to know a complete family unit, and days that the thought scares me- for myself. Motherhood is messy. It's scary. And it's always changing. Being unsure isn't a sign of weakness though, I think it's a sign of strength. Of knowing when to walk away, or when something is good enough to take the chance. Of putting her well being before mine, and making sure she never questions how much I love her" (can you guys just look at those cute little pudgy fingers of hers, those little hands that get into absolutely every. single. thing. she can touch. I wish time could slow down just for this year).
I've sat here for literally 6 hours today trying to think of what to write here, and there have just been 18 million thoughts in my head, but none of them seem good enough to warrant telling strangers and friends about. But what I think I will do is go off of my personal instagram post from this morning.
Not only is motherhood a messy, scary, constantly changing affair-- it can be quite terrifying when doing it on your own. The days I am content are of course, the easiest, but they are few and far between. The days I strive to make a better life for my girl are definitely the most stressful, but also the most surreal. I know I have it better than so many other people, but I also know that deep in my heart of hearts I want this little girl to experience a life so full of love that she will never question if her parents considered her in their divorce. Does that make sense? It really takes a good soul to join the ranks of parenthood- especially when joining those ranks as a step parent. It takes someone who truly knows what that means to step into a roll to do life along side of another parent. To get along with the other families and parents involved, to put the kid(s) first when it's supposed to be about them, and to support the parent when the ex is driving them insane.
While I haven't quite found this person yet, I stay hopeful. I know that not all dreams come true, but I also know that God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as they are in his will. And I just can't believe that a loving God would take me on the road I have been on, for this to not be part of His will.
Lately I really took all the thoughts I had about my life, and threw them out the window. I met a wonderful man, who was every characteristic I thought I wanted in my life, and broke up with him because I realized he wasn't what I needed in my life. I've very recently let myself get all carried away in the feelings game for a guy, and I would be happy to do life with him, but there are so many different factors that said life seems to be putting in the way of that being a real thing. And if that means we just stay friends, then at least we will have that. And for right now, I am okay with that. Que sera, sera (Whatever will be, will be).
This post could end here, but I am going to address a second issue that sort of plays into the one of finding the right person for you and your family. Ladies, when a man quits pursuing you, let him go. Learn your worth. Appreciate your worth and find someone who values that. Who even if you're being silly, or in a goofy mood, won't call you stupid for it, but will grin and bare your quirks. If you have kids, someone who will be okay with you taking time out of your evening to sit with your child and read bedtime stories-- or even better yet, who will read them with you. Someone who will sit with you when the entire world feels like it's crashing in, take your hand, and be on your side through it all. Someone who truly thinks you are beautiful and that you think the same of. Who uses their actions to show you they care, not just their words. Who picks your mind- that you can have silly, serious, political, philosophical and just plain weird conversations with. Find someone who the friendship is so strong that if the love fades, there will still be years of friendship left. Find the person who pursues you, who makes you sane and insane at the same time, who makes you want to be wild and innocent at the same time. Find someone who compliments you, who grows you, challenges you, and loves you just as you are.
But even more than all of the "wise" words I can impart on you, I say this: never be afraid to take the chance. If it is what you truly believe to be right for you, don't let the opportunities, relationships, or adventures pass you by. Life is worth the living, and the scary, messy, unsure roads only make us stronger.
Que sera, sera.
I've sat here for literally 6 hours today trying to think of what to write here, and there have just been 18 million thoughts in my head, but none of them seem good enough to warrant telling strangers and friends about. But what I think I will do is go off of my personal instagram post from this morning.
Not only is motherhood a messy, scary, constantly changing affair-- it can be quite terrifying when doing it on your own. The days I am content are of course, the easiest, but they are few and far between. The days I strive to make a better life for my girl are definitely the most stressful, but also the most surreal. I know I have it better than so many other people, but I also know that deep in my heart of hearts I want this little girl to experience a life so full of love that she will never question if her parents considered her in their divorce. Does that make sense? It really takes a good soul to join the ranks of parenthood- especially when joining those ranks as a step parent. It takes someone who truly knows what that means to step into a roll to do life along side of another parent. To get along with the other families and parents involved, to put the kid(s) first when it's supposed to be about them, and to support the parent when the ex is driving them insane.
While I haven't quite found this person yet, I stay hopeful. I know that not all dreams come true, but I also know that God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as they are in his will. And I just can't believe that a loving God would take me on the road I have been on, for this to not be part of His will.
Lately I really took all the thoughts I had about my life, and threw them out the window. I met a wonderful man, who was every characteristic I thought I wanted in my life, and broke up with him because I realized he wasn't what I needed in my life. I've very recently let myself get all carried away in the feelings game for a guy, and I would be happy to do life with him, but there are so many different factors that said life seems to be putting in the way of that being a real thing. And if that means we just stay friends, then at least we will have that. And for right now, I am okay with that. Que sera, sera (Whatever will be, will be).
This post could end here, but I am going to address a second issue that sort of plays into the one of finding the right person for you and your family. Ladies, when a man quits pursuing you, let him go. Learn your worth. Appreciate your worth and find someone who values that. Who even if you're being silly, or in a goofy mood, won't call you stupid for it, but will grin and bare your quirks. If you have kids, someone who will be okay with you taking time out of your evening to sit with your child and read bedtime stories-- or even better yet, who will read them with you. Someone who will sit with you when the entire world feels like it's crashing in, take your hand, and be on your side through it all. Someone who truly thinks you are beautiful and that you think the same of. Who uses their actions to show you they care, not just their words. Who picks your mind- that you can have silly, serious, political, philosophical and just plain weird conversations with. Find someone who the friendship is so strong that if the love fades, there will still be years of friendship left. Find the person who pursues you, who makes you sane and insane at the same time, who makes you want to be wild and innocent at the same time. Find someone who compliments you, who grows you, challenges you, and loves you just as you are.
But even more than all of the "wise" words I can impart on you, I say this: never be afraid to take the chance. If it is what you truly believe to be right for you, don't let the opportunities, relationships, or adventures pass you by. Life is worth the living, and the scary, messy, unsure roads only make us stronger.
Que sera, sera.
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