Que sera, sera

"There are days I want better for us, and days I'm content. There are days I want to be alone, and days I want to spend every minute with her. There are days I hope she will get to know a complete family unit, and days that the thought scares me- for myself. Motherhood is messy. It's scary. And it's always changing. Being unsure isn't a sign of weakness though, I think it's a sign of strength. Of knowing when to walk away, or when something is good enough to take the chance. Of putting her well being before mine, and making sure she never questions how much I love her" (can you guys just look at those cute little pudgy fingers of hers, those little hands that get into absolutely every. single. thing. she can touch. I wish time could slow down just for this year). 

I've sat here for literally 6 hours today trying to think of what to write here, and there have just been 18 million thoughts in my head, but none of them seem good enough to warrant telling strangers and friends about. But what I think I will do is go off of my personal instagram post from this morning. 

Not only is motherhood a messy, scary, constantly changing affair-- it can be quite terrifying when doing it on your own. The days I am content are of course, the easiest, but they are few and far between. The days I strive to make a better life for my girl are definitely the most stressful, but also the most surreal. I know I have it better than so many other people, but I also know that deep in my heart of hearts I want this little girl to experience a life so full of love that she will never question if her parents considered her in their divorce. Does that make sense? It really takes a good soul to join the ranks of parenthood- especially when joining those ranks as a step parent. It takes someone who truly knows what that means to step into a roll to do life along side of another parent. To get along with the other families and parents involved, to put the kid(s) first when it's supposed to be about them, and to support the parent when the ex is driving them insane. 

While I haven't quite found this person yet, I stay hopeful. I know that not all dreams come true, but I also know that God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as they are in his will. And I just can't believe that a loving God would take me on the road I have been on, for this to not be part of His will. 

Lately I really took all the thoughts I had about my life, and threw them out the window. I met a wonderful man, who was every characteristic I thought I wanted in my life, and broke up with him because I realized he wasn't what I needed in my life. I've very recently let myself get all carried away in the feelings game for a guy, and I would be happy to do life with him, but there are so many different factors that said life seems to be putting in the way of that being a real thing. And if that means we just stay friends, then at least we will have that. And for right now, I am okay with that. Que sera, sera (Whatever will be, will be). 

This post could end here, but I am going to address a second issue that sort of plays into the one of finding the right person for you and your family. Ladies, when a man quits pursuing you, let him go. Learn your worth. Appreciate your worth and find someone who values that. Who even if you're being silly, or in a goofy mood, won't call you stupid for it, but will grin and bare your quirks. If you have kids, someone who will be okay with you taking time out of your evening to sit with your child and read bedtime stories-- or even better yet, who will read them with you. Someone who will sit with you when the entire world feels like it's crashing in, take your hand, and be on your side through it all. Someone who truly thinks you are beautiful and that you think the same of. Who uses their actions to show you they care, not just their words. Who picks your mind- that you can have silly, serious, political, philosophical and just plain weird conversations with. Find someone who the friendship is so strong that if the love fades, there will still be years of friendship left. Find the person who pursues you, who makes you sane and insane at the same time, who makes you want to be wild and innocent at the same time. Find someone who compliments you, who grows you, challenges you, and loves you just as you are. 

But even more than all of the "wise" words I can impart on you, I say this: never be afraid to take the chance. If it is what you truly believe to be right for you, don't let the opportunities, relationships, or adventures pass you by. Life is worth the living, and the scary, messy, unsure roads only make us stronger.

Que sera, sera.