I've long held this belief that your significant other should be someone who can be your friend, your lover, your helper, your guide, your calm in the storm, your secret keeper, your needs filler, your complete person. I've held this belief because in my previous relationships, that's how it was. We did everything together, we had the same friends, we did the same things, I often just gave in and did what the other person wanted because it was easier than conflict. But your SO can't be everything to you. They just can't. That's too much pressure for one person. I've been on both sides of that argument and now I've really been reevaluating my thoughts on relationships and SO's lately. As I think about the men in my life over the last 5 years, I am realizing just how very different they all were. are? have been?
The first was good until it went bad. We we talked for months before going on a date, then went to exclusively dating. We had mutual friends, so we were able to do almost everything together. We loved each others interests and hobbies, we were happy to paint houses, do yard work, or just hang out at home or go to a movie together. Eventually it turned into the same date every Tuesday night, one worked full time while the other stayed home and worked on school. We lost our want to hang out, we lost ourselves, both of us, in trying to make the other happy. We built a friendship first, which I think has still carried over to this day. The good, the bad, the ugly, we are still friends, all heartbreak and hardship aside. We share a child together. We had a good life together. And just because that is over now, doesn't mean I don't enjoy him any less. We may not be in love anymore, but we still understand the sarcasm, inside jokes, and general hilarity of the last 7 years.
The next was a quick romance, we started out as dating there was no friendship before hand. We lived in different places but we were in constant contact. We hung out every other weekend, we always went and did big things, things we've both always wanted to do. We would stay in sometimes too, but more often we went out. We had fun and good conversation. But there were some concerns, red flags if you will, that I spotted for myself early on. I tried to say we were both overlooking things in each other, but in the end there were somethings I just couldn't shake. He was exactly what I thought I wanted when we started dating, but I realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all. The whole constant contact thing- when I was younger was maybe a thing I liked, maybe it showed to me they were interested in my life or cared enough to know what I was doing... but as I've grown up, to me, it's just...smothering. I talk a lot. I like to talk. When I don't know someone I like to get to know all the things about them. I think I have interesting stories so I tell them back. But there is just something different about someone needing to know where I am every second of the day, when we are just dating- not living together, not even in the same town, vs. just getting to know everything about them, that is a little too much for me.
I love sweet things- flowers brought home every now and then, dinner and a movie, holding hands. But I've learned that even though I think the cute stuff is sometimes necessary and let's me know my guy is thinking about me, I believe that it's not in the THINGS that can be bought, but it's in the good morning texts, the afternoon phone calls, the "You're beautiful" compliments or the "you're doing a good job" affirmations. It's in the "hey, I want to take you and your kid to the park but I also want to take you to the park *wink wink nudge nudge*"
There is a want for down to earth in my life. I understand that when the love bug hits, it can hit hard. But as a 28 year old divorced mom, I don't have time right now to keep my head in the clouds.
Which leads me to the next thought. I started "talking" to someone not too long ago. It started as a friendship and somehow, maybe we were both in vulnerable spots, or maybe it's really something (I'm not sure yet), it turned into this sort of...thing. But we lead different lives. We work, we have responsibilities at home, we have plans, goals, and lives aside from each other. But instead of trying to move mountains ourselves to make our lives match up, we sort of agree that we just need to wait and see what happens. But on that note-- He started his game strong-- every day with the "good morning, beautiful" texts on our ways to work, cute little reminders throughout the day that he was thinking about me, he would talk to me about what he was working on, he would tell me he missed me, we would have actual conversations about actual stuff. His mind is so creative and beautiful. I'm aware of how corny and poetic that sounds. I could honestly just sit and listen to him talk for hours. BUT- he isn't much of a talker. He is pretty much emotionally unavailable. He gets sucked into his hobbies or responsibilities and I might not hear from him for an entire day or more. But when I do hear from him, (time for more poetic crap) he calms my storm as much as he starts it. But whatever this thing is, it's not just about finding someone to be with, it's about finding a friend to go through life with, that is and has always been there for you. I have no doubt that he would be a little more available if we were actually in a relationship, but right now we aren't, and I'm not positive we ever will be, I hope so, but I'll take what I can get. He may not always ask how my day is (which can be rough when I just want to talk to someone about my super crappy day), but he often asks how Maggie is doing, or what we are up to. He does try, maybe not always as much as I would like, but it's there. However, after a few months now, he will still talk about the future, but he no longer tells me I'm beautiful daily, no longer likes my posts on Instagram (I'm aware that's not actually a thing to be hung up on, and I'm not), he only sometimes tells me good morning and lately so many of his texts are one word answers. One day he seems into it, the next it's like we've never discussed a relationship. So in my opinion, it's clear that the bus stops here. Which is a hard pill to swallow. I really think this could be something, but I think it's clear that for now-- we are on two different bus lines. So, back to the waiting to see what comes. Que sera, sera. (I'm only 95% sure he doesn't read this blog, but if you do-- hey, homie ;) now you know.)
When I think about my life in the future, I do see someone in it, doing life with me and Maggie. Someone who will go to the park with us, who will hold my hand and walk around down town with me, who will encourage the things I believe in and want to do in life, but also someone who has his own life to live. I don't have the time to be babysat, or to babysit. I don't have time to bicker over the friendships I have with people who were my family for 7 years. I don't have energy to waste on someone who won't put energy into me, who won't make time for me. I am looking for someone to walk beside me, to compliment me, to help me along. I'm not looking for someone who wants to try and "save" me. In the wise words of "Rent"-- "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" (I just really think that line is so perfect, because we all have baggage, but it's how we choose to carry it that makes all the difference).
I guess I'm looking for someone in-between all of these things. Someone who can hold educated conversations with me, who can pick my brain. Someone who can be just as sarcastic to me as I can be to them. Someone who goes out of their way to make me laugh or smile when I'm having a rough day, not just say "oh I'm sorry."Someone who doesn't try to run my life, who will meet me in the middle on the big things in our life. Someone who doesn't try to speak for me, but let's me be my own individual. Someone who, to put it simply, matches my efforts. I think that I'm just looking for someone to accept me how I am, and I can accept him, and there's not any trying to change each other, but there's a mutual effort and happiness and understanding of our lives. A friendship but not a complete total reliance on the other person. Does that make sense? I guess this is what modern day relationships are. And I feel lost in navigating this world all over again. But I know the unicorn is out there.
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