Let it go.

Have you ever been living in crisis mode for much longer than necessary? Ever thought "I should be strong enough by now, God, what's up"?

On my way into work this morning, I was listening to KLOVE, as I usually do on my morning commute, and Mandisa's "Stronger" came on. And for the first time I really listened to the lyrics instead of just singing along. The words hit home today- like every single word was me yesterday and even this morning. Anyways, here are the lyrics :

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

So. I guess, to some people (I've actually been told), I have played the victim too long. I have mourned the loss of my marriage and my family for too long. Let's clear the air, let's fill in some blanks. 3 years ago to the day my husband text me saying he no longer wanted to be with me, but he was leaving me for my brother's wife. To which her and I were living in the same house. Cue move #1. I left my home and moved back to my parents in MS. They continued their affair through the summer. I moved back to PA (move #2) because he and I decided to work on things. I got pregnant, his affair continued behind my back. He left her, moved (#3) back in with me and 3 months later out again. I was 7 months pregnant. He left for a different woman at this point. (mourning of marriage loss part 2). My mom comes to live with me for 2 months. Maggie is born, Maggie is diagnosed with PKU- I am left to deal with this on my own (if anyone you know is ever diagnosed with PKU, I urge you, with all your might, to NOT look it up online, it is the scariest thing to read about, but in reality it is totally manageable and not scary at all). Move #4 happened when Maggie was 2 weeks old, I moved to his parents house for a year. That was hard in it's own right. He was finishing school on the other side of the country. I was a completely single mother for her first year. Around her 1st birthday I did my 5th and final move in 2 years back to my parents where we stay for now getting our feet back up on solid ground. July 2015 our divorce was finalized. And all the drama and sadness that could happen in between has happened. So, I feel, that in truth, this hasn't even been a full year since I had to give up all those hopes and dreams. I was waiting for and expecting a miracle that never came. That is also pretty devastating. So maybe it's just me, but I feel justified in still being sad over it from time to time. 

Until today.

Today as I drove into work, feeling bad about a recent heartbreak I caused, and feeling sad that the dreams I once had are no more, I actually Let it go.

And man, can I just breathe so much better?! It's truly like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like a cloud has gone away and the sun has come out to play! The Lord has truly smiled on me and been so so gracious to deliver in his many promises. 

I believe that he is working hard on my behalf, on Maggie's behalf, to form and guide me to the right life path he has planned for us. I just need to remember that even when I'm not getting the answers I want, when he isn't moving the mountains that I want him to move, he has not forgotten about me, he is weaving together my perfect story. And I am excited to just let Him be in control, and see what adventures life takes me on.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Selah.

Trust

            Trust 

noun \ˈtrəst\

Full Definition of trust

1.  Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

2.  One in which confidence is placed

3.  Dependence on something future or contingent :  hope

Webster's Dictionary defines trust as "Assured reliance on the CHARACTER, ABILITY, strength or TRUTH of SOMEONE or SOMETHING. 

One in which confidence is placed: HOPE.

This page contains 47 Bible verses about trust. 

We trust complete strangers, daily, to stay in their lane while driving on the highway, to not rob us when they come in to pay, to take care of our kids at school. We walk by over 100 strangers daily and trust that they aren't going to stick their foot out and trip us. We place daily, confident, trust in men. We trust our mechanics to fix our cars, our grocers to pick the best quality foods, our doctors to fix us, our bankers to take care of our money and our government to take care of us.

Why then, if we trust all these complete and total strangers, every single day of our lives, is it so hard to put trust in the one who created us? The one who loves us with no conditions, the one who has promised to provide for us and keep us alive and well? 

We establish trust with complete strangers in relationships. We start dating someone, we open up and tell them every little detail about our lives, we trust that they will be good people, we trust them to keep our secrets. We trust them with our hearts, we fall in love, we trust them to keep their promises, to keep our hearts. We trust the mess out of people. PEOPLE. humans. flawed beings. But we can't trust even for a full day that the GOD who CREATED US will bring us the right job, will help us figure out how to pay the bills, will bring us the right people, relationships, friends into our lives. We can't trust that the one who is Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, goes before us and behind us, knows all the hairs on our heads and every grain of sand in the ocean has the ability to provide every single need. He knows us better then we know ourselves. He knows what we need better then we do. Why? BECAUSE HE MADE US. He knows why he is taking me down this dreadful path of heartache I've been on. But he also knows I have stayed faithful in persecution, faithful in the bad. I have praised him in the storm.

My life was turned upside down 3 years ago to the day. I trusted someone with every ounce of it I had. and that trust was shattered. Part of trust is forgiveness. But that's a post for a different day. As flawed beings, we have to learn to trust in God over man. It's hard. It's hard to not try to figure it all out on my own. It's hard to just hand it all over and say "OK God, it's in your hands." Some days I don't feel like he's there. But I am learning that just because He is quiet, doesn't mean He isn't there. He has provided my every single need the last 3 years. Maybe it's time I be quiet and just listen to what He has to say. Recently I had to make a very tough decision (And if not, he is still good.). But I genuinely believe, that once I just shut up and let God talk to me, that I knew what the right decision was, and I am confident in it. I have been trying to run my own life for far too long. My divorce should have been a turning point, and for a moment it was. But I started trying to figure everything out my own, in my own time, and lo and behold, that didn't work out for me, and left a lot of heartache in the wake. 

So, Trust I must learn, trust I must do.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3 

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." 1 John 5:14

"But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6

"He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber." Psalm 121:3

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"Matthew 6:26 

"For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

"My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:7

Well, you guys get the point. All my salvation and honor, depend on God. My life depends on God. Am I not more important that the birds?

To live by faith and not by sight. That is my goal. There is nothing I want more than to serve God with an open heart and an open mind- to go where he wants to send me, to stay when he wants me to stay.

But to do all of that, first I have to learn to trust.

today's thoughts.

Have you ever just been going about your daily life and been completely overwhelmed with how absolutely amazing God is? I honestly don't understand how people can deny his existence. I see it quite literally everywhere I look. People bring the science of the world at me, and then get a really great surprise when I tell them  I studied Earth Science in College. To me, it all adds up. The Big bang and the story of creation are the exact same story. 
However, you have to understand that the Earth was not created 6,000 years ago and our current 24-hour day was not the same 4.5 billion years ago. 
Here: http://www.rareuniverse.org/timeline.html
Is a pretty cool website that compares the two timelines : biblical and scientific


Anyways, God has been showing me so much lately and letting me figure out so much about myself that previously I just didn't see. God is on the move. And I can't even tell you how excited I am to see what he does from here. 

Overwhelmed- Big Daddy Weave

I see the work of Your Hands
Galaxies spin in a Heavenly dance oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I hear the sound of Your Voice
All at once it’s a gentle and thundering noise oh God
All that You are is so overwhelming

I delight myself in You
Captivated by Your beauty
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

I know the power of Your Cross
Forgiven and free forever You’ll be my God

All that You’ve done is so overwhelming
I delight myself in You
In the Glory of Your Presence
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

God, I run into Your arms
Unashamed because of mercy
I’m overwhelmed, I’m overwhelmed by You

You are Beautiful, You are Beautiful
Oh God, there is no one more Beautiful
You are Beautiful, God you are the most Beautiful

You are Wonderful, You are Wonderful
Oh God, there is no one more Wonderful
You are Wonderful, God You are the most Wonderful

You are Glorious, You are Glorious
Oh God, there is no one more Glorious
You are Glorious, God you are the most Glorious

stuff

Maggie Jean's PKU fund
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Please consider clicking on the link above and donating to our funds! I wish I alone was able to give my little girl everything, but I am learning that I can't do it all alone. And even with her dad's monthly child support, the cost is still higher than I can foot alone. I've said it before, it's a very embarrassing turned humbling experience to ask for help. But it is not for me, it is for Maggie. And she deserves to be able to live the healthiest life she can. We appreciate all the help so far, more than words can say.




Next-
If you are going through a hard time, whatever it might be, let this song encourage you. Pass it on to someone who needs to keep going. God is always good. We may not always understand, but if we listen, and we trust and believe in Him, and his character, we can know, without a doubt, that He will take care of us, and will make things good for us as his will leads.

a little bit of it all: revised

Oh, Shonda. DISCLAIMER: if you aren't caught up on Grey's, I suggest not reading this as it's a big spoiler.

I have been watching last week's episode of Grey's Anatomy for 3 days. It has taken me that long to watch it. Every time I start it something comes up. But I believe that was for the best. The emotion heavy episode of April and Jackson's divorce just seemed to hit a little too close to home for me this week.

It has been one year since I was seemingly forced into filing for divorce. And I am happy to say I have finally moved on. 3 years of separation total. But that scene where April asks Jackson if this is really what he wants was what got me thinking. Just like she did, while fighting to save the marriage, and hoping and doing everything she could, she was putting him first. I'm only talking about after she came home and they decided to work on things. SHE asks HIM if it's what HE wants. And he says yes. She says "okay" and signs the papers. I had that exact conversation, word for word, look for look, tear for tear. We were still putting the other person's feelings first, above our own. Giving them what they wanted.

I hope eventually I won't be angry over my divorce anymore. I know that our marriage was not good anymore. That my ex-husband had checked out years before we divorced. He was never interested in trying. But like April, I found myself pregnant as well. I found myself married and divorced to a man who never had any intention of believing in the same things I do. I guess their relationship has always had a soft spot in my heart because in so many ways it mirrored mine and my Ex's.

Today I can say that the very same God he doesn't want to believe in, is the one who kept me from depression, took away my bitterness, and let me lean on Him to walk me through the worst time of my life. At 25 years old, my husband's affair with someone who had been family for 10 years, rocked my world, his family's world, all our friend's comfort zones and left my family completely shattered in so many ways. I cannot even begin to explain the amount of bitterness, anger, jealousy and even rage that flowed through my body. But can I tell you what is even stronger than all of that? God's grace. God's love. God's hope.

The promises on which I stand, on which my family will be built, are unlike anything any man can offer. The peace of knowing that I have a Father who will carry me and Maggie through this life with his blessings, with his constant care and understanding- the feeling is like no other. The grace on which I stand, that I have been blessed to be offered, is the only thing that has made this situation better. No person, no words, no smiles from my sweet little girl. Grace. Peace. Love. Patience. Kindness and Self Control. I probably missed one. but you get the point. GOD- He is it. He is all.

I am no longer angry or bitter at David. I am hurt, and I imagine I always will be. He is finding his happiness with a new family, but that does not mean he doesn't remember HIS daughter. He loves her well, like any father loves their child. And that is what it's all about. I am sad that it didn't work out with the father of my child. But God will bring us a man who is truly after His heart, His ways, and has no intentions of ever straying from the covenant and promise that we will make to each other and to God.

So, here are my thoughts all splattered out here for you to read.
If I can leave you with anything, it's this: God is good, all the time. And all the time, God is good.


Shalom.

My two weeks as a single mom...

Over the last couple weeks I have learned what it really means to truly be a single mom.

When my husband left me at 7months pregnant, I became a single mother. When our daughter was born, I waited two weeks then moved 800 miles away. I have been extremely blessed with family who has been happy to help.

When I first moved away, I moved into his parent’s house. They were so gracious to let me live there. I didn’t have a job, any savings, and I had a new born with a special diet (She has PKU, leading to a VERY strict diet). They had the room for us to live there, and have two rooms and a bathroom for ourselves. Even though I lived in their house, they both worked and I was alone with Maggie until 8pm every night. And when they got home, they would take her while I scarfed down some dinner, and by that time she was usually throwing a fit because it was her bedtime. Essentially I was a single mother in that aspect. But never have I struggled. They bought my food, my clothes, Maggie’s diapers and all of our other needs. Until she was 9 months old we drove 2.5 hours to her doctor’s appointments. Luckily, my parents live 20 minutes from her doctor’s office. So every week we would do 3 days at my parents around her appointments, 3 days at home- my in-laws house- and one day travelling. At my parents there was a room set up for me and Maggie. We had a bed and a dresser and whatever else I could fit to store in there for the time being. My brother and his family were living there, there just wasn’t the room for us to stay permanently yet. When I was there, my mom was home and would often take Maggie so I could have some sleep, or a bath, or eat.

If I didn’t have loving parents, I would have been homeless with a child. And that’s the simple truth of it. But luckily for all of us kids in both families, we have parents and families who would never let that happen, ever. After about 10 months, my divorce was being finalized and my brother and his family were moving, so I was able to move into my parent’s house. Thus starts my partial single motherhood.

See, I have never truly been a single mom. I have always had my Mom, my sister in law or my mother in law around to help. But these last two weeks I have been completely alone. I have been getting up at 5 and getting lunches packed and clothes picked out, leaving the house by 645 to get Maggie to daycare (most mornings kicking and screaming right now), to get to work by 8 to open. I leave work at 430 to go get Maggie, and get home by 6 every evening. By that time Maggie is glued to my hip, while I try to get dinner made, and I let her destroy the house. Most nights she is asleep by 830/9 and I sit in quiet until about 930, get up and do some cleaning to restore the mess that has been made, and get to bed myself. There is no free time, there are no hot meals, and I don’t know the last time I had a shower. I don’t know how truly single moms get anything done. I understand that every mom has the same struggles. And I understand that I get a break for one or two nights every other weekend. But the daily grind, the real daily struggles- are so hard.

My parents have been out of town, and I work full time. This week Maggie’s daycare was closed twice. I had to take one full day off of work (luckily paid sick leave). The second day I managed to finagle a half day, but I had to pay a sitter. Which means I paid twice for that one half day of sitting, technically I paid $55 for Maggie to be watched from 730-1230. I only made $52 on that day of work, so technically I lost money. One of our workers is out of town this weekend, I was supposed to work a couple evenings this week, but since my parents are out of town there isn’t anyone to watch the girl. So I am working on Saturday. I will only make $52 Saturday. I will have to pay at least $25 for a day of daycare. If I did not have the family I have, I would not be able to afford daily life. I wouldn’t be able to afford to work, therefore I would be on government help, and then I would be judged as lazy or abusing the system. I get so angry when people say things like that. Not everyone has the luxuries I have, sometimes they really need the help.

Along with this just being a basically rough week, Maggie threw her first real temper tantrum last night. She literally laid on her stomach, kicking her feet and throwing her arms and shaking her head and yelling with tears just streaming down her face. I stood there just unsure of how to handle it. She was angry because I changed the channel on the TV. I won’t lie, I let her throw her fit for a few minutes then I turned her cartoon back on. I couldn’t handle it last night. I know that wasn’t the right thing to do, and I know I will need to figure out how to handle that, and get her through these next two frustrating years. But she knows that her cartoons (Happykids.tv, its nursery rhymes and such) is a special thing, and that she doesn’t always just get to watch them (That and after about 4 songs, they get terribly annoying). She’s just really testing her limits with me. And I understand that. She spends 8 hours a day, Monday thru Friday at the sitter’s house, and every other weekend at her Dad’s. Both places have other kids at them, so she gets to play and do all sorts of things. The other weekends and evenings it’s just me and her and some nights I am too tired to sit and play, and it’s tough on both of us. We do get some time in reading our favorite books every night. I hope she still loves reading when she’s older.

I did survive last night’s tantrum. Which she tried to continue this morning when I took her waffle out of her hand to put her coat on. I just looked at her and told her that it wasn’t okay. And surprisingly she stopped. I know it was a fluke, but she does know what she’s doing. And she’s definitely got her momma’s attitude.

Anyways, we are back at it all again this morning, and I am so looking forward to my parents coming home 1-because that will mean my mom is doing a little better and they are on a right track to getting her healthy (amen!) and 2-because I might get to take a shower and go to the bathroom in peace and maybe, just maybe, eat a real meal that’s still warm. I don’t see how moms of more than one kid all close in age do it, and I admire all moms out there. And I have a whole new respect for truly single moms who don’t have a community of people behind them helping them along. My thoughts are with you through these lonely, tiresome  times. You will make it out alive. Just hang in there.

update

So I've started working again. Full time, Mon-Fri. It's been really tough to be away from Maggie, but such is the life of a single mom. I can't remember if I've said it before, but I get angry at my ex for making me be a single mom, you know? But what is there to do about it...nothing.

It's even harder when it's her weekends at her dad's. I don't see her all week then I don't see her all weekend!  But I do enjoy the time off.

Anyways, my new job is wonderful! I like the people, the building, the perks and the hours! I'm glad to be back in the world of adult conversations, real world life skills and the work force.

So I'm sorry to not be writing much, but that's my best update for tonight. Maybe there will be another one soon. Maggie girl is so sick right now, and I'm just exhausted...

ta-ta for now, friends.