Let it go.

Have you ever been living in crisis mode for much longer than necessary? Ever thought "I should be strong enough by now, God, what's up"?

On my way into work this morning, I was listening to KLOVE, as I usually do on my morning commute, and Mandisa's "Stronger" came on. And for the first time I really listened to the lyrics instead of just singing along. The words hit home today- like every single word was me yesterday and even this morning. Anyways, here are the lyrics :

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

So. I guess, to some people (I've actually been told), I have played the victim too long. I have mourned the loss of my marriage and my family for too long. Let's clear the air, let's fill in some blanks. 3 years ago to the day my husband text me saying he no longer wanted to be with me, but he was leaving me for my brother's wife. To which her and I were living in the same house. Cue move #1. I left my home and moved back to my parents in MS. They continued their affair through the summer. I moved back to PA (move #2) because he and I decided to work on things. I got pregnant, his affair continued behind my back. He left her, moved (#3) back in with me and 3 months later out again. I was 7 months pregnant. He left for a different woman at this point. (mourning of marriage loss part 2). My mom comes to live with me for 2 months. Maggie is born, Maggie is diagnosed with PKU- I am left to deal with this on my own (if anyone you know is ever diagnosed with PKU, I urge you, with all your might, to NOT look it up online, it is the scariest thing to read about, but in reality it is totally manageable and not scary at all). Move #4 happened when Maggie was 2 weeks old, I moved to his parents house for a year. That was hard in it's own right. He was finishing school on the other side of the country. I was a completely single mother for her first year. Around her 1st birthday I did my 5th and final move in 2 years back to my parents where we stay for now getting our feet back up on solid ground. July 2015 our divorce was finalized. And all the drama and sadness that could happen in between has happened. So, I feel, that in truth, this hasn't even been a full year since I had to give up all those hopes and dreams. I was waiting for and expecting a miracle that never came. That is also pretty devastating. So maybe it's just me, but I feel justified in still being sad over it from time to time. 

Until today.

Today as I drove into work, feeling bad about a recent heartbreak I caused, and feeling sad that the dreams I once had are no more, I actually Let it go.

And man, can I just breathe so much better?! It's truly like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like a cloud has gone away and the sun has come out to play! The Lord has truly smiled on me and been so so gracious to deliver in his many promises. 

I believe that he is working hard on my behalf, on Maggie's behalf, to form and guide me to the right life path he has planned for us. I just need to remember that even when I'm not getting the answers I want, when he isn't moving the mountains that I want him to move, he has not forgotten about me, he is weaving together my perfect story. And I am excited to just let Him be in control, and see what adventures life takes me on.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Selah.