4 year update ;)

 What is up, my people?

It's been almost 2 years since my last update on here, and man oh man has life changed so much since then.

For starters, I'm married now! One year this weekend. How fun is that? My husband is just the most wonderful man I have ever known, and I am so happy to call him mine. Did you know it's possible to have a partner that doesn't hurt you, yell at you, make you feel worthless, etc? I'm not sure either of us knew that was actually possible. We've heard of that, but not really experienced it in our adult lives.

I have 3 step kids now. They're delightful. All such different personalities, but so great each in their own different ways. Maggie started at a local Performing Arts school this year for singing, she's a trip. I'm so glad I was given her.

I moved away to PA for about two years and we are back in OH now. It's proving to be much more difficult than we had planned. Every single day I sit at my computer and apply to jobs until it dies, then I do house things. In 4 months we've managed to get everything unpacked, paint all the bedrooms, build a wall in the basement to make a room divider, redone our kitchen cupboards, redone a bathroom, got our shed out of the backyard and started on the outside, and this week I'm starting on removing the fire place in our living room. I might also paint our ceramic sink, still debating on that. I did put vinyl paint on our wishlist so I can work on painting this house this year too, but it's a little out of our budget at the moment-- but also only about $400 to do our whole house, so that's promising.

I'm feeling pretty worthless lately. It's really difficult to give up my independence. Like, I knew I would have to what with getting married and taking on a whole family, but I didn't anticipate the absolutely terrible feeling of not being able to find a job. I've been offered a couple that I would be losing money if I took them. Part time work is all I need, but it's gotta be a certain wage. This job market is insane. I'm losing my sense of myself. I've always been big-city-career oriented. This is ROUGH. But the burnout I was experiencing might have been worse. I didn't realize how real that was until I started going through it. Right now I just miss the ability and freedom to not have to count the price of things while shopping, or the ability to just buy whatever random thing I wanted. Budgeting for a big family when you're broke is hard and it sucks. While I should be slowing down and enjoying this time off (because when will you ever get 4-5 months off again?) all I can do is stress about upcoming holidays and other things kids need. They grow entirely too fast and we can't seem to keep up with their long legs. 

I'm wrecked right now and I don't understand what is going on. I was always so proud of the fact that I'd literally never been denied for a job I interviewed for. Now it's like I can't even get interviews. 

BUT, I have an incredibly supportive husband who is letting me find my way, and honestly that's all I could ask for at this moment. He isn't pressing me to do something I can't, he isn't talking down to me, he still just sees me as his equal, and I'm so grateful for his attitude on life. He keeps me so grounded. 

So, this isn't a well written update, or a good one even, but it's an update. Maybe I will write something better when I have the brain to. 

2 year update.

Two years ago today I made a decision that has not only altered the course of my life, but saved my life. 

I kicked my abusive boyfriend out of my house. It took a lot of guts. Much more courage than I knew I had in me. But as he stood there yelling at me, and threw something at my head calling me names and telling me how worthless I was-- something just... snapped. I yelled back. I stood up for myself in MY house that I bought on my own, and I yelled at him about taking MY car for 2 days and disappearing without a word. I yelled at him about stealing MY money that I made at MY JOB of which he didn't have one. I yelled at him that I knew he had been cheating and I'd talked to the numerous women he had brought through my house while I was commuting 2.5 hours each way every day for us. He called me fat, ugly, a bitch, that maybe if I was home to give him attention he wouldn't cheat to which I replied maybe if you weren't a 30 year old man with zero job or car then I wouldn't have to keep my well paying job in another city so we could have a house to live in.

When the mug zipped by my head, I'm pretty sure he saw the devil in my eyes. He definitely felt the force of which I turned to him and screamed to get out of my house. After much yelling and threatening, he walked out of the house. 

What would follow was two weeks of pure hell. There were threats on my life, on whoever I dated nexts life, his own life. Threats to burn down my house. Texts saying I looked nice today when I would leave for work. Texts accusing me of cheating and that he would kill some imaginary guy. Texts that he was walking the train tracks-- so I called the police, people had seen him down there but he was long gone. My brother had the good thought to take his house key on the night it all went down. 

Luckily Maggie wasn't home at this time anyway, but she stayed a couple extra weeks at her dad's, and I locked down the house, stayed inside as much as possible, took out a restraining order and had everyone on high alert. The cops drove by twice daily, and my dear cousin and brother both lived close and were called a few times to come check out a noise or something. He didn't have an address at that point so I had to go back weekly to renew the protection order because he couldn't be served. Eventually I couldn't keep going back as I had finally found a good job in town and didn't have the leave time to be taking weekly on top of Maggie and my's doctor appointments and such. 

That was the end of November 2019, by May I had sold my first house that I loved so deeply, and moved to a small apartment about 20 minutes away. I know it's just a house but I will always miss the potential that place had. It was a beautiful house. A huge back yard, enough bedrooms that we had a spare room and a play room. I had a garage to park in so I didn't have to scrape snow off my car, and a sun room to sit out in during the spring months. But most of all I had the cutest yellow door. Maggie and I always drive by when we're in town, and we talk about how excited we were on the day I got the keys to it. I took her to this strange house and met the realtor, and when she handed me the keys Maggie just said "what? it's ours now? she's just giving it to us?" And that's what it felt like. Like the stars had aligned pricewise, and location-wise, for me to have this house. But sometimes the devil comes disguised as an angel. It wasn't the houses' fault, but the "man" I had decided to try and build with.

He didn't start off abusive. As most Narcissists do, they breadcrumb you, they gaslight you, they show you who you want to see, then slowly let out who they really are-- and by the time they do that you're so far in that it's hard to get out. I know it doesn't make sense. I know my friends straight up walked away from me over my choices with him. But until you're in the depths of abuse, you never realize just how hard it is to be strong and have that 10 seconds of insane courage to leave-- especially when leaving is forcing them out vs. walking out yourself. 

Today has been an emotional rollercoaster. I have cried from the moment I woke up, until a few hours ago. I have re-faced not only these memories but also harsh current happenings with a ridiculous custody battle, insurance not approving my diabetic medicines, and general money woes that go with said things. As well as having a 4-5 hour drive turn into a 6-7 hour drive because of holiday traffic.

But you know what? the end to my day has been sweet. I'm sitting on the bed of one of the most kind and loving men I have ever met. I am drinking hot coco with lucky charms marshmallows in it out of a sasquatch "social distancing champ" mug he got me just because he knows how much I love bigfoot, while all our kids sleep soundly and were all so good tonight. The only thing that could make the end of my rough day better would be a hug from him but alas, nightshift reigns supreme this month. 

The fact that just a hug from him makes my whole day better is so telling. I was angry and crying since about 8 o'clock this morning and he called me on his way to work and he just puts me at ease. He doesn't yell at me, or throw things, or cheat on me. He wouldn't even do something to make me think he was. He wouldn't put our relationship in jeopardy at all, because he loves me that much. I honestly didn't know it was possible to be loved like this, but he has shown me more than I ever thought I could deserve. 

Abuse is not okay, and it takes a long time to heal from. I am truly grateful to have found someone so patient with me who makes me feel happy, and wanted, and protected. And I can't thank him enough for being this person to me, at this time in our lives. 

it's a hard reset to rewire the system.

For me, one of the hardest parts about a break up is missing touch. Nothing sexual, really. But missing a simple hug when I'm so stressed out I'm at my breaking point. Having that in-house friend to walk up to and just say "I'm having a really hard day can I have a hug?" and it honestly making everything better.

Today I sat and cried. Not really over the relationship, but because I’m just at my wit’s end with everything piling up. But it reminded me of what I miss from a relationship. I wanted to reach out to the only two people who have been letting me vent to them during this time, but it just seems so redundant. I feel like they're tired of hearing it, and honestly they probably are. One is dealing with their own breakup, and I just don't want to push them away when we've only just started speaking again. And the other has just always been there but I know they don't fully understand why it's so hard. But really all I wanted was a freaking hug and to lay my head on someones shoulder and just be still and sad for a brief moment.
But instead I just had to keep holding everything in, and I'll wait until the kid goes to sleep and I'll steal a brief, quiet, minute in the living room to sob over the mess I let get created around me, then I'll go right back to the grind. Because what other choice to we have? None, we just keep pressing forward.

As much as my 3 year relationship wasn't even a good thing, there was no genuine affection, he didn't really want to build life with us- he pulled me in by agreeing that he wanted the same future I wanted- but even though we were built on so many lies, he was still briefly there for those breaking down moments, even when most of them were about him. I guess if I'm fair to myself, he was only there for a hug, then he would leave as soon as possible to avoid anything emotional.

I'm getting off track. The second hardest thing is division of property. I know its just stuff, but it's stuff you bought together. It's items you wanted enough that you spent money on. And now it's figuring out who gets to take the item you both wanted together that was part of your home you built together. It's your favorite records you lent him while things were still gray, that now you can't get back because the two of you don't talk. It's the pile of his clothes still sitting on the laundry table. It's the tickets you had to your favorite band together, and the plans you had to take the kid somewhere special in the spring that now just all seem sad and ruined. It's the fall of your empire.

It's trying to fill your life with new friends to fill the void from where you gave your all for someone who knew for a long time they didn't want that future with you. It's trying to find who you are again when you gave up so much of yourself to let someone else thrive. It's holding out hope that you'll find something and someone better who won't leave you so battered and bruised. It's trying to learn how to be alone after years of living with someone. How to love yourself when you only ever loved everyone else. It's not comparing to other good things of the past, but trying to look forward to good things of the future.

Today was hard.
Hug your people when you see them, even if it makes them squirmy (not in a creepy way, of course). We don't realize how much we need something so simple until we really just need one.

An Erring of Grievances

 err
 verb

 \ˈer,  ˈər  \

 erred; erring; errs

 Definition of err 

 intransitive verb

1

archaic : STRAY

2a

: to make a mistake

erred in his calculationserred on the side of caution

b

: to violate an accepted standard of conduct

Is it human to err?

Many people are familiar with the word err from encountering it in the epigram “to err is human; to forgive, divine.” This phrase is found in Alexander Pope’s An Essay on Criticism, from 1711. Earlier expressions of the same sentiment exist, as in Thomas Jones’ 1678 book, Of the Heart, and its Right Soveraign, which contains the line “to err, is human, to recover, is Angelical; to persevere is Diabolical.”

-------------

The celebration of Festivus begins with Airing of Grievances, which takes place immediately after the Festivus dinner has been served.

Frank Costanza: At the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around, and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!

Each participant tells friends and family of all the instances where they disappointed him or her that year.

Frank Costanza: Welcome, newcomers. The tradition of Festivus begins with the airing of grievances. I got a lot of problems with you people! And now you're gonna hear about it!

In the traditional Seinfeld Festivus, only the head of the household seems to be given the chance to air his/her grievances. However, in most Festivus households, the ability to air one's grievances is usually extended to others.

The Seinfeld Airing of Grievances is modeled after the O'Keefe Family Festivus, where family members were invited to recite their gripes into a cassette tape recorder. (Reference: Festivus! The Book)

When I started this post I had never read the full quote of "To Err is human.." but do you see the end of it? To persist is diabolical. Meaning to continue in the error is of the devil. is wicked. Is just plain stupid.

I want to say the last 3 years have been full of "errors" but the harsh truth of it is that we made a lot of conscious decisions that hurt us in the end. Me, mostly. But someone I respect the hell out of said to me recently, when I said I was angry-- paraphrased because theirs wasn't quite so kind-- to tell them my anger (then block them). No one has said to do that. For whatever reason it just hit home like "Oh. I can just tell him my anger? and how and why I'm angry and he hurt me?

I don't have to just never get it out?"

So that's what I did.

I recently pulled myself out of a very bad very narcissistic, gaslit, emotionally abusive relationship. And while it is so hard to see someone you once loved so much treat you so poorly, and choose addictions, and lies, and deceit over you-- I can honestly say I've never had so much hope for the future as I do now.

The healing that is happening with both my daughter and myself right now is remarkable. It is taking a lot out of us, and some days the grief is just so heavy and we both just sit together on the couch and cry. Some days she asks when he gets to come home or if she can call him, and I have to explain all over again that he isn't coming back to us. I quit reminding her that he loved her very much when I decided there was no coming back from this. When he chose other women, chose to lie about money, chose addictions. I know he is lashing out with the way he is slandering my name everywhere he can right now. But someone who has actually loved another person would never bash them, or say horrible things to them, or threaten them. I took us out of a toxic situation and I will never regret doing what I had to do to make that happen.

Maggie has missed him. Missed the dog. Missed his music. I have too. I have missed my best friend. There were good times, but every single good one ended badly. Every time. The truth is that we are so much happier now that we can get up every day and there isn't a cloak of heaviness clouding the entire house. That we can laugh and be silly in the mornings without his anger yelling at us to quiet down because his late night antics led him to sleep on the couch every night. That I can go to sleep every night no longer wondering where my partner is or who else he is with. That I can go about my days without fear of rejection every single evening when I get home.

I look forward to finding a partner who will genuinely love and respect me and my child the same way we love and respect him, and it won't just be a front for a year until we're too far in to get out. You can always get out.

It's crazy the amount of life I have given, and the amount I now have again. It's taken a few months, 3 to be exact, to stop crying every day. or feel hopeless. or like I am worth more than that man made me feel. But I've learned that it's not actually me that's the problem. With him or the one before him. I never cheated, lied, had an addiction, hid things, didn't help out. No, I gave every ounce of my love and being because that's who I am. And that's who I'll be again. I just hope next time I don't pick so badly. No, I don't hope. I know I won't. I now have climbed out of the intensely awful last 5 years and I know the standard by which any man will have to meet. I know the years I will have to know him before we take any leaps. I know how he will have to treat us from the start. I'm no longer afraid to do this life alone. I'm exhausted. I would love the help, the company, the laughs, someone to watch spooky things with because I get scared too easily. But I will no longer settle for men who halfheartedly love us. Who tell me they're too busy for me, that i'm not worth their time. And I'll tell you hwhat- That is exciting. The prospect of a man who won't cheat on me? Who won't hide addictions, or take money, or expect me alone to carry us? Who will make time to spend with me, who will at least pretend to be interested when I'm stoked on some national geographic article I just read.  It's wild to think that someone like that exists. It may take forever to find him, but they're still out there, I know they are. It's just finding them. And taking another chance. And giving it another shot.

In the meantime, I guess I work on myself. On Maggie. We are eating better, getting out of the house more. I'm not so overwhelmingly depressed that I can't play with her or I'm too tired to give her the attention she needs anymore. I'm selling our house. I wish things could have gone the way we'd planned. But my ex had other intentions all along, and I wish he had had the courage to bring them to light well before I signed on this house for us. I so long to be back in the city. Maybe someday, with the right reasons. No more just moving aimlessly around, searching for a good life. I've been handed a whole lot of shit. But you just keep going. So: we sell the house, we take more vacations, I do things for myself for once and not everyone else, I make a good life for us. And if someone wants to come along side us eventually and show me that they deserve a spot with us, then maybe they can come too.

I'm not bitter. I'm not even angry anymore. I wish his lost soul the best of luck, and that he finds whatever he's looking for. As for us, we will be okay. I will finish out this chapter of my book and hopefully 32 will be a much better one. A much happier one.

On that note I guess this is where I start to show the improvements. In just 3 months I'm down 3 sizes. And that's a good feeling.  I was often too tired to make decent dinner. I was too depressed to care. We ate out because he was only a vegetarian when I made dinner, therefore not eating and getting me to agree to go out. and pay. For years I was miserable. I feel human again. It may not look like much, but it's the start of stepping out of that situation and finding myself again. Starting a new chapter of my real book this year. Hopefully the dark comedy can come to a happy ending. We'll see what 2020 brings. Clear eyes, full hearts, can't lose. <3

brave

You can be amazing

You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug

You can be the outcast

Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love

Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do

And they settle ‘neath your skin

Kept on the inside and no sunlight

Sometimes a shadow wins

But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Everybody’s been there
everybody’s been stared down
By the enemy

Fallen for the fear and done some disappearing

Bow down to the mighty

Don’t run, stop holding your tongue

Maybe there’s a way out of the cage where you live

Maybe one of these days you can let the light in

Show me how big your brave is

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

Innocence, your history of silence

Won’t do you any good

Did you think it would?

Let your words be anything but empty

Why don’t you tell them the truth?

Say what you wanna say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

With what you want to say

And let the words fall out

Honestly I wanna see you be brave

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I just wanna see you

I wanna see you be brave

Changes

So, it's been a year and a few weeks since I packed up my and my kid's life and drastically changed our world. It's been up, and it's been down. But mostly it's been okay, and every day I am made more aware of why in the long run this is the best decision I could have made for our lives.

Being a single mom sucks. Plain and simple, it's not fun. It's not something I would have ever chosen for myself, and it's not something I think people walk into lightly. I completely understand why people "stay together for the kids." I think that could be miserable in itself, but so is doing it all, daily, on your own. My ex husband would like to argue that I did this to myself, and I should have just stayed in my parent's upstairs, making just enough money to keep me at $100 above federal poverty level, never being able to move out of their house, or get back on my own feet. I like to argue that actually, he did this to me, and never batted an eye or thought about the ramifications of his actions. I would like to say that's a story for another day.

When I started this... journey, if you will... into an unknown city, I really thought things would be different when I got here. I was walking into a relationship with someone, and into a city closer to family, and where my parents will soon be retiring to. I was walking into a bad ass job, in a city I loved right off the bat. I found an awesome daycare directly across the street from my work, where I can see the playground from my office window, the teachers are attentive and caring about M's condition, and our buildings are connected underground for the really cold days. Everything seems to have fallen into place.

When I started looking for jobs up here I had been out of a not-for-me engagement for about 5 months, I had just started Grad school at Memphis, but I was so bored with my life, I felt like there just was no future for me there. I felt like I had outgrown my stay in Memphis for the second time. So I started looking around for new jobs. Columbus just happened to be the place with the coolest jobs available. So I applied. We all agreed it would be a miracle if I got this job, and I did. So then I had to make some real decisions and I decided it was worth the jump. The extra perk was that it was closer to the guy I was quickly falling for.

Well, things didn't work out with that guy, to say the least (<3) Que the start of a very lonely 6 months of competing for attention only to still be alone at the end of the day. The year of He who should not be named, if you will. I was so very heartbroken. It was definitely a hard time, but also very eye opening. I turn 30 in 2 months. Why am I competing for this guy's attention if he doesn't want to give it to me? Why am I letting some dude make me feel so incredibly worthless and unwanted? So I stopped. I didn't feel the same anymore. I  don't believe that was ever his intention. I do believe he cared for me at one point. But he never cared enough to take the leap with me. He had, still has I'm sure, some suave words... but they are just empty words. I don't believe he will ever care enough for anyone to put their feelings before his own, and when you're in a relationship- sometimes there has to be compromise, a little give, a little effort. So, I decided I was done with that. No relationship, friendship, or even familyship, is worth feeling unwanted. That is literally one of the worst feelings ever.

This year has been really good, and really bad. I have made a few friends, I've gone on a few dates, I've not saved anything but I've been able to take my kid on fun outings, and watch her move up from daycare to preschool, and learn to sing and tumble and to and count to 20 (and now 100) and listened to her vocabulary just explode. We've found good doctors here, and are in a state that covers not only her formula but all PKU related appointments and blood work and tests. We've moved into our second apartment since being here, I was able to buy a new, functioning, vehicle for us, and I've even been able to visit home a few times. I've sat in the middle of my living room floor unsure of how I was going to pay certain bills on time, and cried for the life I thought I would have that was so cruelly ripped from me. I have mourned the loss of too many people from my life over the last year, and I have met the dark monster of depression head on. I have seen the good times, and the really hard bad times. I have laughed until I cried, and cried until I laughed. It's good to have people who can see the humor in awful situations with you. And it's good to have humor when the entire world feels like it's caving in around you.

This has been the absolute hardest year of my life. The heartbreak I have gone through not only in my relationship but also in the reopening of old wounds by my daughter's father, have been more than I even thought I could bare at times. I have felt crushed, defeated, and hung out to try. But still, daily, I wake up to my little girl and realize that in time, this will all be worth it. Every tear is a bought of strength to draw from. Every heartache is a learning moment to know what we deserve, and what we should not settle for or be okay with. Every day gets easier, and every day I know I made the right choice for us. To say I've enjoyed my first year here would be an overstatement. Enjoyed is not the right word. Tolerated, maybe. I don't hate it. But I haven't started loving it until I let go of my unmet expectations, and realized that only I can make my life what I want it to be. I am the only who has to live daily with my decisions. So why should I continue living it the way other people want me to?

Anyways. This is just to update everyone that I'm alive, and finally doing well. It's been a really hard year but I think it's starting to look up. I'm starting to look for schools for the girl, she has a year and a half left until Kindergarten (cue sobbing). So I'm looking for the perfect rental in the right school district. So if you're the praying type, pray that that shows up. Other than that, she's growing like a weed (like the bad kinds that grow rapidly because lort knows this child hasn't slowed down once yet), she eats non stop and we are trying to find cheap alternatives to her foods, but mostly it looks like I just have to buy her special super expensive stuff. And we are going to try another miracle drug trial so pray that works too! Aside from a tough year, I'm doing okay. 2018 is already looking to be better than the last. I welcome the every other weekend breaks and get errands run and occasionally I take the full day off and just sleep haha. I still have yet to finish unpacking and my room hasn't been tidy since we moved here. But we are finally falling into our routine and I'm so thankful for such a resilient little girl who can just roll with whatever is thrown her way.

I never knew how many changes life could bring. You think that just because you're doing things "the right way" that they're supposed to work out for you, but that's never truly the case, is it? I've had a lot of tough shit thrown my way over the years, but I've gotten through all of it. And for that I think I can be proud.

"a world without you hurts..."

One of the hardest things, I feel, in life, is to love someone who doesn't love you back. I know how extreme that sounds, so let's tone it down a notch. To have feelings for someone who doesn't have them back.

This week I've experienced both sides of this. I have had someone tell me how strongly they feel towards me, only to have me not reciprocate those feelings. And I have felt very strongly for someone, only for him to be pretty up and down on his towards me (at least that's how I feel about it). 

It's funny the way feelings and such work. It's literally just a chemical reaction in your body. That's all. It's not some outer-body experience, some divine intervention of a higher being's chosing (if you believe this way, then believe He made you to have that reaction with the person you're meant to), it's literally just the pleasure part of your brain lighting up. When your heart breaks, it's been proven that the body reacts the same as it does if you are detoxing cold turkey (why is it called cold turkey?) off some heavy drug. I can never discredit someone who says their heart hurts, because if you've ever been hurt, the physical body hurts when missing that person. The nausea is real, the pain is real. There are real cases of a "broken heart" where the stress on the body was too much and the heart strings literally have broken. I've said literally a lot but I am trying to stress a point that these feelings should be validated in everyone.

I have caused a lot of heartbreak in my time, believe it or not. But I have also had a lot put on me by others. So to hurt someone all over again this week has been sort of hard of me. I am sure in my decision, but it is hard to make someone re-live those same conversations all over again. On the opposite end, I have had this person who right now is more of a favorite friend than anything, not make an ounce of effort to see or call me in weeks, and it hurts just the same. To be in the same building but they don't bother to say anything, or to literally be a mile away but it's too far.

It's tough to feel unwanted, but I think it can be just as hard on the person who has to make that other person feel that way. In many cases. I have had such a hard time having to let people down, and I know that before people have had a hard time with having to let me down. But I think the key thing is open and caring communication. Never would I intentionally hurt someone in the way I let them down, but I also wouldn't lie to them to keep from having to do what I have to do. When someone puts in the effort, you can be sure they have the interest in you. When someone doesn't put in the effort, you can be sure they only keep you around when convenient for them. When someone doesn't speak to you for a year, you can be sure they've moved on. It's all messy, and it's all hard. But we're adults now, aren't we? So when we have to fire our coworkers, break bad news to friends or family, let people down all the time, shouldn't we be able to be real and honest with people we say we care about? I say it's time to put down the games, and put forth the effort where effort needs put. 

*This post is pretty much pointless. And this song only sort of applies to both sides of this, but I'm lowkey in love with Claudio. And very in love with this song. Enjoy.

"Pardon me, I think I'm going out of my head and into the worst. A world without you hurts... I hope I'm being clear that there's no one like you on Earth, that can be my universe."