Changes

So, it's been a year and a few weeks since I packed up my and my kid's life and drastically changed our world. It's been up, and it's been down. But mostly it's been okay, and every day I am made more aware of why in the long run this is the best decision I could have made for our lives.

Being a single mom sucks. Plain and simple, it's not fun. It's not something I would have ever chosen for myself, and it's not something I think people walk into lightly. I completely understand why people "stay together for the kids." I think that could be miserable in itself, but so is doing it all, daily, on your own. My ex husband would like to argue that I did this to myself, and I should have just stayed in my parent's upstairs, making just enough money to keep me at $100 above federal poverty level, never being able to move out of their house, or get back on my own feet. I like to argue that actually, he did this to me, and never batted an eye or thought about the ramifications of his actions. I would like to say that's a story for another day.

When I started this... journey, if you will... into an unknown city, I really thought things would be different when I got here. I was walking into a relationship with someone, and into a city closer to family, and where my parents will soon be retiring to. I was walking into a bad ass job, in a city I loved right off the bat. I found an awesome daycare directly across the street from my work, where I can see the playground from my office window, the teachers are attentive and caring about M's condition, and our buildings are connected underground for the really cold days. Everything seems to have fallen into place.

When I started looking for jobs up here I had been out of a not-for-me engagement for about 5 months, I had just started Grad school at Memphis, but I was so bored with my life, I felt like there just was no future for me there. I felt like I had outgrown my stay in Memphis for the second time. So I started looking around for new jobs. Columbus just happened to be the place with the coolest jobs available. So I applied. We all agreed it would be a miracle if I got this job, and I did. So then I had to make some real decisions and I decided it was worth the jump. The extra perk was that it was closer to the guy I was quickly falling for.

Well, things didn't work out with that guy, to say the least (<3) Que the start of a very lonely 6 months of competing for attention only to still be alone at the end of the day. The year of He who should not be named, if you will. I was so very heartbroken. It was definitely a hard time, but also very eye opening. I turn 30 in 2 months. Why am I competing for this guy's attention if he doesn't want to give it to me? Why am I letting some dude make me feel so incredibly worthless and unwanted? So I stopped. I didn't feel the same anymore. I  don't believe that was ever his intention. I do believe he cared for me at one point. But he never cared enough to take the leap with me. He had, still has I'm sure, some suave words... but they are just empty words. I don't believe he will ever care enough for anyone to put their feelings before his own, and when you're in a relationship- sometimes there has to be compromise, a little give, a little effort. So, I decided I was done with that. No relationship, friendship, or even familyship, is worth feeling unwanted. That is literally one of the worst feelings ever.

This year has been really good, and really bad. I have made a few friends, I've gone on a few dates, I've not saved anything but I've been able to take my kid on fun outings, and watch her move up from daycare to preschool, and learn to sing and tumble and to and count to 20 (and now 100) and listened to her vocabulary just explode. We've found good doctors here, and are in a state that covers not only her formula but all PKU related appointments and blood work and tests. We've moved into our second apartment since being here, I was able to buy a new, functioning, vehicle for us, and I've even been able to visit home a few times. I've sat in the middle of my living room floor unsure of how I was going to pay certain bills on time, and cried for the life I thought I would have that was so cruelly ripped from me. I have mourned the loss of too many people from my life over the last year, and I have met the dark monster of depression head on. I have seen the good times, and the really hard bad times. I have laughed until I cried, and cried until I laughed. It's good to have people who can see the humor in awful situations with you. And it's good to have humor when the entire world feels like it's caving in around you.

This has been the absolute hardest year of my life. The heartbreak I have gone through not only in my relationship but also in the reopening of old wounds by my daughter's father, have been more than I even thought I could bare at times. I have felt crushed, defeated, and hung out to try. But still, daily, I wake up to my little girl and realize that in time, this will all be worth it. Every tear is a bought of strength to draw from. Every heartache is a learning moment to know what we deserve, and what we should not settle for or be okay with. Every day gets easier, and every day I know I made the right choice for us. To say I've enjoyed my first year here would be an overstatement. Enjoyed is not the right word. Tolerated, maybe. I don't hate it. But I haven't started loving it until I let go of my unmet expectations, and realized that only I can make my life what I want it to be. I am the only who has to live daily with my decisions. So why should I continue living it the way other people want me to?

Anyways. This is just to update everyone that I'm alive, and finally doing well. It's been a really hard year but I think it's starting to look up. I'm starting to look for schools for the girl, she has a year and a half left until Kindergarten (cue sobbing). So I'm looking for the perfect rental in the right school district. So if you're the praying type, pray that that shows up. Other than that, she's growing like a weed (like the bad kinds that grow rapidly because lort knows this child hasn't slowed down once yet), she eats non stop and we are trying to find cheap alternatives to her foods, but mostly it looks like I just have to buy her special super expensive stuff. And we are going to try another miracle drug trial so pray that works too! Aside from a tough year, I'm doing okay. 2018 is already looking to be better than the last. I welcome the every other weekend breaks and get errands run and occasionally I take the full day off and just sleep haha. I still have yet to finish unpacking and my room hasn't been tidy since we moved here. But we are finally falling into our routine and I'm so thankful for such a resilient little girl who can just roll with whatever is thrown her way.

I never knew how many changes life could bring. You think that just because you're doing things "the right way" that they're supposed to work out for you, but that's never truly the case, is it? I've had a lot of tough shit thrown my way over the years, but I've gotten through all of it. And for that I think I can be proud.