It is finished

This past weekend I went on a much needed girl's trip with two of my best friends. We all three lead very different lives, but for the last 10 years we have stayed as close as possible. I don't know what the thread is that keeps us going, but if I didn't have these two God fearing women in my life, I don't know if I would be in the place I am now.

On Thursday afternoon we all met at the airport and boarded our first flight to San Francisco. We arrived at the SFO airport around midnight and drove to the hotel. The next morning we got up and took a bus tour of the city, visited Alcatraz, and had dinner at a wonderful restaurant on the beach. It's fun to say we did our touristy time in SF.

But we all had the most fun on the next leg of our trip. We drove up the Pacific Coast Highway, the long way up, just to see the scenery. It was absolutely breathtaking. We stopped at every stop we could and just got out and breathed in the air. The beautiful weather they had over the weekend really spoiled us. That evening we rode horses on the beach, and drove to a beautiful little spot in Albion called the Lord's land.

Let me tell you a bit about this place. We were looking for somewhere in between Humboldt Redwood Park, and SF. So I remembered that a dear old friend was currently at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base that way, so we looked it up and booked a cabin about 8 months ago.
As soon as we stepped foot on that campus, the bickering and bad attitudes between the three of us, for the most part, stopped. Which I can only attribute to the absolute peace that is felt as soon as you enter their grounds. Now, I am aware that nature is not everyone's cup of tea, and I even get super creeped out by the occasional bug or wild animal, but I could live at this spot forever. The welcoming beauty that greets you at every single turn is just so telling of what God had in mind for the property many years ago when it was first built. I have never loved sitting outside staring at trees so much in my life.

I know God plans each persons life individually, but I also believe that He is a big enough God to make some of those paths intersect at the exact moment that is needed for one or even sometimes both of those people. In this case, it was for me.

Had I not done a YWAM school around 10 years ago, I would not have met my friend J (fun fact, our parents did their (it's called DTS (discipleship training school)) school together). J is the reason I knew about the Lord's land retreat ywam base (whatever you want to call it) - and whether he knows it or not, God used his life to help mine, if that makes sense. Therefore the girls and I booked a cabin at this place, and thus completed the healing and renewal of my heart. From the second I stepped foot on the property, I just knew God was completing a work in my heart that I have just been praying, weeping, stressing, and waiting for.
On our last evening of our trip my friends and I met up with J and he showed us around the campus and we got to catch up for a little bit. As we were all talking-my friends said, and it came as a surprise to me, that in the last 3 weeks, I am like a whole new person. I knew that I felt different, happier than I have ever been...ever. But I didn't realize just how evident it was. J asked me some questions that sort of got me thinking and it was walking back to my cabin that night that I really thought about some things and really let go of things once and for all.

Y'all, God has such incredibly divine way of intervening in your life at the exact moment you need him to. He is so intricate in the woven design that is your life's movements and paths. He knows that standing in that parking lot, catching up with an old friend, mixing in my newer ones, completely removed from all those unnecessary stresses of my life, was exactly what He needed to make me listen and see exactly what He is doing for me and where He is directing me. I am living out an entirely new lease on life, and I have honestly never been happier than I am right now.

In the months leading up to this trip I was so incredibly depressed. I felt trapped on a road I did not want to go down, and I firmly believe God did not have in mind for me. I cried and cried daily, I didn't want to get out of bed, I couldn't bring myself to play with my kid, I was just not me. It was the hardest couple months I've had in a long time. But around a month ago I broke up with a really great guy. I did the breaking, I did the hurting, that was a weight I had to deal with. But as things came and got more serious with us, I just felt this huge weight on my shoulders, a seriously dark cloud looming over my head. I couldn't shake it. I tried for weeks to explain away the feeling of depression and doubt I had. I tried to pray it away, but it just got stronger. I thought I had heard God tell me this relationship was the right path for me, the right thing to do in my life- to marry this wonderful man of God. All of that came to a screeching halt when I cried out to God and just shut myself up and listened. God blaringly loud told me NO. I now believe that God allowed me to go through this hard time so that the depression would essentially force me to turn to Him, completely. I had nowhere else to turn. I believe God found me where I was, pulled me up, told me no to the relationship for a very specific reason. This guy is all the characteristics I would like in a man, but he is not the one I am supposed to be with. And I truly believe that with everything in me. It took me a couple weeks to stop feeling guilty and like a terrible person, but I believe I am following in the path God has for me- and I don't believe that that is a wrong choice. And I can only hope that other people too will understand that sometimes God tells us no, even if we don't like it.

I've had enough happen in my life before I even turned 28 to know when God is telling me no, to listen-100%. I am not looking to do life on my own, I need His guidance. And I know not everyone will agree with or understand that, but I can finally truly say that I am walking in His ways, and His guidance and His assurance. And I know that with Him and through Him, it is finished. And I will be just fine.

Let it go.

Have you ever been living in crisis mode for much longer than necessary? Ever thought "I should be strong enough by now, God, what's up"?

On my way into work this morning, I was listening to KLOVE, as I usually do on my morning commute, and Mandisa's "Stronger" came on. And for the first time I really listened to the lyrics instead of just singing along. The words hit home today- like every single word was me yesterday and even this morning. Anyways, here are the lyrics :

Hey, heard you were up all night
Thinking about how your world ain't right
And you wonder if things will ever get better
And you're asking why is it always raining on you
When all you want is just a little good news
Instead of standing there stuck out in the weather

Oh, don't hang your head
It's gonna end
God's right there
Even if it's hard to see Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus:]
When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
And things can only get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger
Gonna make you stronger, stronger, stronger
Believe me, this is gonna make you Stronger

Try and do the best you can
Hold on and let Him hold your hand
And go on and fall into the arms of Jesus
Oh, lift your head it's gonna end
God's right there
Even when you just can't feel Him
I promise you that He still cares

[Chorus]

'Cause if He started this work in your life
He will be faithful to complete it
If only you believe it
He knows how much it hurts
And I'm sure that He's gonna help you get through this

When the waves are taking you under
Hold on just a little bit longer
He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger
The pain ain't gonna last forever
In time it's gonna get better
Believe me
This is gonna make you stronger

So. I guess, to some people (I've actually been told), I have played the victim too long. I have mourned the loss of my marriage and my family for too long. Let's clear the air, let's fill in some blanks. 3 years ago to the day my husband text me saying he no longer wanted to be with me, but he was leaving me for my brother's wife. To which her and I were living in the same house. Cue move #1. I left my home and moved back to my parents in MS. They continued their affair through the summer. I moved back to PA (move #2) because he and I decided to work on things. I got pregnant, his affair continued behind my back. He left her, moved (#3) back in with me and 3 months later out again. I was 7 months pregnant. He left for a different woman at this point. (mourning of marriage loss part 2). My mom comes to live with me for 2 months. Maggie is born, Maggie is diagnosed with PKU- I am left to deal with this on my own (if anyone you know is ever diagnosed with PKU, I urge you, with all your might, to NOT look it up online, it is the scariest thing to read about, but in reality it is totally manageable and not scary at all). Move #4 happened when Maggie was 2 weeks old, I moved to his parents house for a year. That was hard in it's own right. He was finishing school on the other side of the country. I was a completely single mother for her first year. Around her 1st birthday I did my 5th and final move in 2 years back to my parents where we stay for now getting our feet back up on solid ground. July 2015 our divorce was finalized. And all the drama and sadness that could happen in between has happened. So, I feel, that in truth, this hasn't even been a full year since I had to give up all those hopes and dreams. I was waiting for and expecting a miracle that never came. That is also pretty devastating. So maybe it's just me, but I feel justified in still being sad over it from time to time. 

Until today.

Today as I drove into work, feeling bad about a recent heartbreak I caused, and feeling sad that the dreams I once had are no more, I actually Let it go.

And man, can I just breathe so much better?! It's truly like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like a cloud has gone away and the sun has come out to play! The Lord has truly smiled on me and been so so gracious to deliver in his many promises. 

I believe that he is working hard on my behalf, on Maggie's behalf, to form and guide me to the right life path he has planned for us. I just need to remember that even when I'm not getting the answers I want, when he isn't moving the mountains that I want him to move, he has not forgotten about me, he is weaving together my perfect story. And I am excited to just let Him be in control, and see what adventures life takes me on.

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Selah.

Trust

            Trust 

noun \ˈtrəst\

Full Definition of trust

1.  Assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something

2.  One in which confidence is placed

3.  Dependence on something future or contingent :  hope

Webster's Dictionary defines trust as "Assured reliance on the CHARACTER, ABILITY, strength or TRUTH of SOMEONE or SOMETHING. 

One in which confidence is placed: HOPE.

This page contains 47 Bible verses about trust. 

We trust complete strangers, daily, to stay in their lane while driving on the highway, to not rob us when they come in to pay, to take care of our kids at school. We walk by over 100 strangers daily and trust that they aren't going to stick their foot out and trip us. We place daily, confident, trust in men. We trust our mechanics to fix our cars, our grocers to pick the best quality foods, our doctors to fix us, our bankers to take care of our money and our government to take care of us.

Why then, if we trust all these complete and total strangers, every single day of our lives, is it so hard to put trust in the one who created us? The one who loves us with no conditions, the one who has promised to provide for us and keep us alive and well? 

We establish trust with complete strangers in relationships. We start dating someone, we open up and tell them every little detail about our lives, we trust that they will be good people, we trust them to keep our secrets. We trust them with our hearts, we fall in love, we trust them to keep their promises, to keep our hearts. We trust the mess out of people. PEOPLE. humans. flawed beings. But we can't trust even for a full day that the GOD who CREATED US will bring us the right job, will help us figure out how to pay the bills, will bring us the right people, relationships, friends into our lives. We can't trust that the one who is Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, goes before us and behind us, knows all the hairs on our heads and every grain of sand in the ocean has the ability to provide every single need. He knows us better then we know ourselves. He knows what we need better then we do. Why? BECAUSE HE MADE US. He knows why he is taking me down this dreadful path of heartache I've been on. But he also knows I have stayed faithful in persecution, faithful in the bad. I have praised him in the storm.

My life was turned upside down 3 years ago to the day. I trusted someone with every ounce of it I had. and that trust was shattered. Part of trust is forgiveness. But that's a post for a different day. As flawed beings, we have to learn to trust in God over man. It's hard. It's hard to not try to figure it all out on my own. It's hard to just hand it all over and say "OK God, it's in your hands." Some days I don't feel like he's there. But I am learning that just because He is quiet, doesn't mean He isn't there. He has provided my every single need the last 3 years. Maybe it's time I be quiet and just listen to what He has to say. Recently I had to make a very tough decision (And if not, he is still good.). But I genuinely believe, that once I just shut up and let God talk to me, that I knew what the right decision was, and I am confident in it. I have been trying to run my own life for far too long. My divorce should have been a turning point, and for a moment it was. But I started trying to figure everything out my own, in my own time, and lo and behold, that didn't work out for me, and left a lot of heartache in the wake. 

So, Trust I must learn, trust I must do.

“But blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. They will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit.” Jeremiah 17:7-8

"Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans." Proverbs 16:3

"When I am afraid, I put my trust in you." Psalm 56:3 

"This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us." 1 John 5:14

"But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind." James 1:6

"He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber." Psalm 121:3

"Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?"Matthew 6:26 

"For we live by faith, not by sight." 2 Corinthians 5:7

"My salvation and my honor depend on God; he is my mighty rock, my refuge." Psalm 62:7

Well, you guys get the point. All my salvation and honor, depend on God. My life depends on God. Am I not more important that the birds?

To live by faith and not by sight. That is my goal. There is nothing I want more than to serve God with an open heart and an open mind- to go where he wants to send me, to stay when he wants me to stay.

But to do all of that, first I have to learn to trust.