It is finished

This past weekend I went on a much needed girl's trip with two of my best friends. We all three lead very different lives, but for the last 10 years we have stayed as close as possible. I don't know what the thread is that keeps us going, but if I didn't have these two God fearing women in my life, I don't know if I would be in the place I am now.

On Thursday afternoon we all met at the airport and boarded our first flight to San Francisco. We arrived at the SFO airport around midnight and drove to the hotel. The next morning we got up and took a bus tour of the city, visited Alcatraz, and had dinner at a wonderful restaurant on the beach. It's fun to say we did our touristy time in SF.

But we all had the most fun on the next leg of our trip. We drove up the Pacific Coast Highway, the long way up, just to see the scenery. It was absolutely breathtaking. We stopped at every stop we could and just got out and breathed in the air. The beautiful weather they had over the weekend really spoiled us. That evening we rode horses on the beach, and drove to a beautiful little spot in Albion called the Lord's land.

Let me tell you a bit about this place. We were looking for somewhere in between Humboldt Redwood Park, and SF. So I remembered that a dear old friend was currently at a YWAM (Youth With A Mission) base that way, so we looked it up and booked a cabin about 8 months ago.
As soon as we stepped foot on that campus, the bickering and bad attitudes between the three of us, for the most part, stopped. Which I can only attribute to the absolute peace that is felt as soon as you enter their grounds. Now, I am aware that nature is not everyone's cup of tea, and I even get super creeped out by the occasional bug or wild animal, but I could live at this spot forever. The welcoming beauty that greets you at every single turn is just so telling of what God had in mind for the property many years ago when it was first built. I have never loved sitting outside staring at trees so much in my life.

I know God plans each persons life individually, but I also believe that He is a big enough God to make some of those paths intersect at the exact moment that is needed for one or even sometimes both of those people. In this case, it was for me.

Had I not done a YWAM school around 10 years ago, I would not have met my friend J (fun fact, our parents did their (it's called DTS (discipleship training school)) school together). J is the reason I knew about the Lord's land retreat ywam base (whatever you want to call it) - and whether he knows it or not, God used his life to help mine, if that makes sense. Therefore the girls and I booked a cabin at this place, and thus completed the healing and renewal of my heart. From the second I stepped foot on the property, I just knew God was completing a work in my heart that I have just been praying, weeping, stressing, and waiting for.
On our last evening of our trip my friends and I met up with J and he showed us around the campus and we got to catch up for a little bit. As we were all talking-my friends said, and it came as a surprise to me, that in the last 3 weeks, I am like a whole new person. I knew that I felt different, happier than I have ever been...ever. But I didn't realize just how evident it was. J asked me some questions that sort of got me thinking and it was walking back to my cabin that night that I really thought about some things and really let go of things once and for all.

Y'all, God has such incredibly divine way of intervening in your life at the exact moment you need him to. He is so intricate in the woven design that is your life's movements and paths. He knows that standing in that parking lot, catching up with an old friend, mixing in my newer ones, completely removed from all those unnecessary stresses of my life, was exactly what He needed to make me listen and see exactly what He is doing for me and where He is directing me. I am living out an entirely new lease on life, and I have honestly never been happier than I am right now.

In the months leading up to this trip I was so incredibly depressed. I felt trapped on a road I did not want to go down, and I firmly believe God did not have in mind for me. I cried and cried daily, I didn't want to get out of bed, I couldn't bring myself to play with my kid, I was just not me. It was the hardest couple months I've had in a long time. But around a month ago I broke up with a really great guy. I did the breaking, I did the hurting, that was a weight I had to deal with. But as things came and got more serious with us, I just felt this huge weight on my shoulders, a seriously dark cloud looming over my head. I couldn't shake it. I tried for weeks to explain away the feeling of depression and doubt I had. I tried to pray it away, but it just got stronger. I thought I had heard God tell me this relationship was the right path for me, the right thing to do in my life- to marry this wonderful man of God. All of that came to a screeching halt when I cried out to God and just shut myself up and listened. God blaringly loud told me NO. I now believe that God allowed me to go through this hard time so that the depression would essentially force me to turn to Him, completely. I had nowhere else to turn. I believe God found me where I was, pulled me up, told me no to the relationship for a very specific reason. This guy is all the characteristics I would like in a man, but he is not the one I am supposed to be with. And I truly believe that with everything in me. It took me a couple weeks to stop feeling guilty and like a terrible person, but I believe I am following in the path God has for me- and I don't believe that that is a wrong choice. And I can only hope that other people too will understand that sometimes God tells us no, even if we don't like it.

I've had enough happen in my life before I even turned 28 to know when God is telling me no, to listen-100%. I am not looking to do life on my own, I need His guidance. And I know not everyone will agree with or understand that, but I can finally truly say that I am walking in His ways, and His guidance and His assurance. And I know that with Him and through Him, it is finished. And I will be just fine.