I fell in love

Edit: This is way too long, and actually totally pointless. But I hope you enjoy ;)

Dear men,

To get right to the point, you have no right to blow into a woman's life and tell her she is your girl, one, everything- then cop out. You also absolutely should not start something you can't finish. Women are emotional beings, and when you mess with our emotions, you mess with our entire lives.

I'm going to get a little repetitive and blunt in this post. I am sorry in advance if it offends anyone. But I have really had a go of it recently, and there is a nature of respect that needs to be addressed.
Most of this has been mentioned here before. But some of it has not. Edit: I tried to stay kind.


Flashback to November 2015. I decided it was time to try and move on with my life. A true dream of mine has always been the family life. So after some time of grieving, moving around, and general wandering aimlessly through life, I met this guy online. He was so sweet, and nice, and really genuinely liked me- more than I can say (or tell) from other guys I've dated. He would leave me notes, buy me flowers, always had some big date for us to go on. But also- he never disagreed with me, never spoke his true opinion (maybe he never really had one but that's not good either). I wasn't learning anything from him. There weren't new things he would introduce me to. While he actually listened when I had things I was interested- and he would let me talk about them for however long I wanted, there wasn't a mutual building up. On valentine's day he asked me to marry him and I said yes. In truth, I didn't want to be alone. That's a hard thing to admit, and when that family life is all you want, your thoughts and emotions can be a little crazy. I know I didn't love him like I should have. While he had a lot of the qualities I wanted, there were so many other things glaring back at me. I tried to say "well, he has to overlook a lot in me." And it wasn't until my best friend stopped my world with one sentence. She said "yeah but Shaina, it's not the same things you're overlooking." What? I truly hadn't thought of it that way. I have...things about me. But the biggest, to so many divorced and single moms, is just that. That exactly who we are is the biggest flaw we have. I can certainly say the fact that I'm divorced and have a kid are not flaws. I do however, overthink everything, get paranoid, talk too much when I feel like I'm losing something I really want, and generally just push people away while still wanting to hold onto them. I'm a mess. Anyways, in April I had a really hard week and he took me to see one of my favorite bands for my birthday. It was ironically, at that concert that I realized for sure that he wasn't the right person for me. Maybe it's a romanticized version of what a relationship should be, but, and I know how petty this sounds, he didn't hold my hand at all. The sweetest most lovey song was on, and he didn't wrap his arms around me. He knows they are my favorite band. He knows more about me than I think my ex husband did. But that's because he asked. so many questions all the time, we talked and talked and talked. I genuinely appreciate when people show interest in what my life has been. I love learning people's life stories, it's refreshing when someone asks you to tell them something about yourself that they don't know.
I broke up with him later that week, When I broke up with him I saw a side of him that I had not been introduced to yet, and the massive red flag he was throwing in my face, all my faults and failures, was just not cool. To be curt, I think I dodged a bullet in the long term. I knew I wouldn't be happy forever. While I miss having someone who would do anything to make me laugh, who knew how much I appreciate the little things, who would go to musicals with me and tell me how beautiful I am, who would let me cry when things got tough, and hold my hand while looking at christmas lights, I'm glad I saw the big picture sooner rather than later.

Skip forward a month, I am doing well. I am on track, happier than I have ever been. *ping* one new notice, on instagram, from the guy your heart has always missed but your lives have gone two completely different ways and he literally disappeared for years and now he's back. "I miss you, text me." May-Sept: "text text text laugh laugh laugh ughhh you're so cute I miss you, you're so beautiful I miss you text text "I'm so in love with you, you're my person. I can see forever with you. I would love your girl as my own (side note: that made me fall hard) I want to be with you" "woooahhh hold on. we both just out of relationships, I think this is just lonliness. I'm so glad you found me but woah" fate fate longing text text text giggle giggle giggle "If I was at that show I would makeout with you. and hold your hand (said while seeing my other favorite band at a different time)" and two months later I'm completely head over heels for this guy. I mean, no joke, he's always been a smooth operator. He acts like the girls don't all always want him, but he's a charmer, and he's seriously cute. And when he laughs and gets awkward and cracks his little smile, seriously it's like the entire mess that is my life doesn't even matter anymore because he's back in my life and it's all I've ever missed. When he talks about something that he's sort of embarrassed to say, the way he (has always done this, it's a memory I have of him) puts his head in his hand and plays with his hair looking away so as to not make eye contact because even though you're pouring your heart out as long as you look away it sort of helps. According to my journal from years ago, the first time I saw him I was smitten. I used to compare people to him. We never had anything real serious, but that was good, Had we at that time, he probably would have been my biggest heartache. And now all these years later, I'm just as smitten. I get to know the grown up, got his act together him. I hesitate to say love (the word has a big heavy meaning), because we're both a little bit dysfunctional. But I'd love to be dysfunctional together for a very long time. Love can come later. But I can truly say I would be proud to be with him. That I am proud of him.
Cue September: The good morning texts trail off, maybe one a week if that anymore, the smiles throughout the day stop, the snaps stop, the calls stop. There are full days that he doesn't talk to me anymore. I try to chalk it up to the fact that school started and his life is a busy, crazy, overwhelming mess. But to tell me he doesn't look at his phone all day but then (fact: social media was developed to make girls crazy) is all over instagram liking every single girl's selfie except mine, telling other girls they are beautiful but no longer me. (Even if we just go back to being just friends, that's what bffs do, tell each other their selfie is beautiful or cute so they can help them impress that one person hahahah amiright?)  I have a hard time believing he doesn't look at his phone all day. And when that's our main form of communication, I'm just not sure how to feel. It's just that now our conversations aren't like they were. We don't get to talk about nothing and everything anymore. He doesn't try to make me smile. It's me asking how his day is going, him saying fine, then not hearing from him again. It's me finally getting fed up and saying something about it for him to turn around and tell me he's trying his hardest and he's in this. Except this isn't anything. He doesn't make time to text, won't call, and can't find time to see each other. So while it was good and we had big dreams together for about 5 months, the fall has come and with that the biggest fall of all. I know the struggle that a relationship with him would bring. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (one of us would have to change locations) I have weighed the options. I have written pros and cons lists in my head, debated whether to shut this aspect of us down or not. And I have decided he IS worth it. But not like this. Not with me giving everything and not even a "how are you" in return. With me answering 2am phone calls but when I'm having the biggest breakdown of my year he's nowhere to be found. I know he's busy. I am too. But I choose to make time. That's the conscious choice that has to be made. And this time it genuinely hurts. I asked a big important life question yesterday, and got nothing in return, literally he just ignored it. I woke up this morning feeling honestly heartbroken over whatever mess this friendlationship is. (Blink 182 generally makes me happy but of course their self titled from 2003 is on right now and its the saddest record they've ever done. Not helping my emotional state right this minute). It took a lot to get me to the point where I wanted to say I was willing to give us a go, but then once he hooked me, he willingly walked away. I don't ask many questions about the years I don't know. Here and there I have in passing and he ignores them. But I imagine these same things were problems before. I guess it's just the difference in who is willing to put up with it and for how long. Now, all of that makes him sound really bad. But I know under the facade that he is a truly genuine, committed (to what he wants to be), kind person. He's just not quite ready for the big changes, and that's okay. But I can't promise to hang around and wait. I wish I was okay with just being a side person, I wish that if I decide to go on a date with someone else it won't make a rift with us. But I'm not sure, I don't know the status of our thing. At one point I was sure I meant more than just a friend, I didn't doubt that he might be talking the same talk to other girls. But so quickly that changed. I know he finally realized that he's good enough, and there are tons of people who like him who he can be happy with. And I hope he finds the things he is looking for, with or without me. He honestly deserves the best, and I hope he finds whatever that is to him.

This week, another guy from my past seriously blew my mind. He messages me out of the blue, and proceeds to tell me he doesn't remember our relationship like, at all. We dated/notdated/stayedtogether for a year. Like, an entire year. Like every weekend with each other, seriously talked about moving in together, told each other i love you. He was the biggest heart break of my adult life. He was the start of the gaggle of crappy men I have dated, but man does he take the cake. I was genuinely surprised when he told me this. The amount of tears and heart ache he caused me-- and he doesn't even garner me the respect to remember us? I'm almost offended. If he hadn't have been such a crappy person, I would be a lot more ticked off than I am. This guy came into my life, and pursued me harder than anyone I have ever met. He won me over pretty easily to say the least. For a year I drove the 2 hours to his area (in the middle of nowhere mind you, like my directions were "turn left at the 4th ditch, the only stop light in the town." why anyone wants to live in Arkansas is beyond me hahahaha) and it wasn't because I enjoyed the area. I did enjoy him though. I don't know if I've ever had so much fun with a person in my life. We got each other's humor and jokes and just knew what each other liked. We watched endless hours of the Chappelle show, star wars, and basically all of the funny guy movies out. We would go to dinner at his dad's and stay up all night talking about any random thing there was (man did he have some random stuff). We would help each other form the perfect myspace page and take the perfect pictures. I would fall asleep and he would sit up chatting with every other girl ever on the computer literally right beside me. I would ask him to come to bed and he would close that chat window so fast. I always knew, I always saw. But when you're young and completely in love, and you're the one who he is with, then it's sort of whatever. But alas, nothing good lasts with guys who play with girl's emotions. I came over one day before he got home from work, went in, tidied up, started dinner, went to take a nap until he got home from work and lo and behold- looong blonde hairs in the bed. All over the bed. No wonder he blocked out our relationship, because that was probably the second biggest relationship fight I've ever had. It was the first time I had ever yelled at someone, I think it's possible I threw a shoe at him. That was a long night to say the least. I went home the next morning and was back two weeks later. That was my own fault. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice- I'm just an idiot who thinks cheaters change. And maybe they do- for the person they want to. But in my experience that's not the case either.About a month later, he cheated on me again with a girl he was meeting for the first time. And after that I was done. I took him home after that show, because I had a lot of stuff at his house that I needed to get. We said our goodbyes and I left and went to my best friend's house and bawled my eyes out for days. I was so hurt and upset after that. Luckily I was young enough to get back on my feet quickly lol. And now it's 8 or 9 years later and it doesn't even phase me. Like I sort of forgot the guy existed until he messaged me this week.

Then of course, there's all the other *vulgar word that rhymes with duck*boys out there, and my ex husband, all who think it's okay to cheat on every person you are ever with. Because girls are idiots and always give second chances.

All of these examples are here to show just how much it affects women when men toy with their emotions. While it may not mean anything to a guy, hell, they may even forget that they even knew you, women tend to live by their emotions. Those late night calls, staying up all night talking, going out of your way to take her to see fireworks (that boy was my favoritefavorite not boyfriend best friend, he was truly the sweetest), those are the things that mean the most to her. And when you don't see that what you are doing is leading her on, then it is you who needs to reevaluate.

Women: we need to stop being the "chill girl, no drama" crap that all these *vulgar word that rhymes with duck* boys out there want. There have been a few articles I've read lately that have just hit the nail on the head. The girl who stresses out too much is good- it shows she cares. The guys want these chill girls but that's not who we are. While we don't have to be psycho, we shouldn't be okay with putting ourselves on the back burner and not expecting the same respect back that we are giving to them.

Each guy in this blog didn't listen to me when I told him what I was feeling. #1 would text me huge good morning/night texts- daily would tell me all the things he loved about me and why I made him happy. He sent me flowers to work 4 times in 5 months. I love flowers. I buy myself them sometimes just because. But that made it not special. I asked him to tone it back a little, and he said he loves to do the little things, so no.
On the flip side of that, in my 6 year relationship/marriage, I didn't get flowers once. Every thing was always big and over the top. I just wanted a kiss on the forehead and a little $3 bouquet from the drug store. The personality of these two is a whole lot more a like than I'm willing to admit.
The other two would/do feed me all the right words, but never the actions. Here and there a cute little thing would comes out (the one guy, we were at ihop in the middle of the night and he pulled up a big handful of the flowers out front and gave them to me. hahahaha it was oddly cute). Every now and then I will get a cute text or snap, but it's more and more rare.
The difference with these guys is that they don't live the same as me. The attention doesn't dictate the feelings. So even if he's not paid any attention to me in 2 days, it doesn't totally mean he doesn't like me.(I'm justifying here, reaching even, but I know that's the personality of these ones).

So why is it so hard to find someone in between? I think it's because men these days are staying single and partying longer, they are taking life less seriously and not wanting to settle down as soon as men used to. But when you have been through the ringer with every aspect of your life, and you have a kid to think about too, prospective changes. It shouldn't be so hard to find someone in between all of this. Someone who wants to see me, talk to me, hear about my day. It doesn't even have to be daily- but ask how my classes are going, how my kid is doing. Will reassure me like once a week (I know I'm not the only girl who feels this way) that I'm theirs and that they want to be with me, will do cute things every now and then (key words here, every now and then), and appreciate the cute things I do in return, I am tired of always apologizing when I get insecure. I'm tired of having to tone down who I am because guys want "chill girls." I have a busy life. I have a stressful life. Sometimes I want someone to reciprocate. To listen. I won't apologize anymore for asking if someone has a minute to talk. Friendships and relationships included. Women are still being made to accept whatever excuse the guy throws their way. And when we don't accept it, they get defensive and we grasp to hold onto something. Men, please realize that if you truly love your girl, she won't have to agree with anything I've written here. She shouldn't have to question your feelings about her. She shouldn't have to be paranoid she's losing you to the girl you work with. She shouldn't have to feel alone. So if she's still holding on, and you're not- then tell her. Be honest. THAT is the best quality you could ever have- towards friends and relationships, honesty.

This post was not supposed to be what it is. It started as an open letter to guys who play with girls feelings. But as it turned out, I had a whole lot more to say. I know I will get a text at some point from my currently not interested-stringing me along-but I'm not ready to let go of him yet- guy telling me he's not happy about this post. And what I need him to know is that for now, I'm still here. I know you're not ready, and that you started something you weren't ready to see through or finish. But I'm not ready to let go of you just yet (if you even read this far. It's easier to put it here then send it in a text, or sit on it until there's time for a long phone call). And I know everyone reading this will have an opinion on that. But to that I say : Do you even understand how convenient long distance is right now? Like we still get to do our own things, but all I'm asking for is a little more effort in texting or calling me here and there. We aren't ready for that real commitment. I'm not an idiot lol.

If you made it this far, you're either bored, or a saint. I have no good closing remarks. Mostly this whole thing was just complaining. But it's gotta be said somewhere. So I put it here.