PSA: LADIES

Dear Ladies,

If "your man" don't choose you, then he ain't your man. There is no reason to DM a girl in the middle of the night, acting like you have mutual friends (you do know I can see our mutual friends, right?), then asking how she knows so-and-so. Sister, I see your name popping up all over my social media. I'm aware you stalk my page for those rare days I make it public view. I too, am a girl. I have the same investigative skills you do. I've seen your page, the comments, the likes. I feel just as crazy as you some days. But as women we have to learn, like Miranda Lambert says, to hide your crazy and act like a lady. I'm not blind to the fact that so-and-so has probably led you down the same path as me. My eyes are just as prodding as yours, my mind just as snooping, my heart just as hurting. If you are an "item", then come out and say it. Say to me "so-and-so and I have been seeing each other and I wanted to be sure you knew that. I don't appreciate the [whatever the problem is] going on." MOST women would prefer that over the sneaky, misleading, conniving ways that girls go about this stuff. But the truth of that statement is that you aren't an item, and you are to him exactly what I am- a girl with a pretty face that he might spend time talking to, but he isn't choosing either one of us right now. So please, if there is an issue- talk to him. We have to make our generation start taking responsibility for their actions-- even when it makes them uncomfortable. I'm aware none of you have ever heard of me, and don't know what role I play in his life. But own up to your crazy if you're going to flaunt it, and ask. Say something. Don't bite your tongue, it makes it worse. We all have to learn to be a little less passive (I'm preaching to the choir here). But for real girlfriend, if he's gotta make a decision between you and another person, then CLEARLY he's not that into either of you. I'm sorry my existence is making your head spin right now. I know the feelings all too well. But woman to woman, don't get crazy about it. Don't message every girl who likes a picture trying to figure out who they are. There are 7.2 billion people in the world, you're gonna get tired fast. Xo

The truth of the matter is that we as women have to stop acting like men can't make the decision for themselves of who is good for them. Who is the best fit for their lives. Who they want to invest their time in. I don't really know if it's the being almost 30 thing, or if it's a difference in generational stuff, but men and women see relationships very different these days (with the exception of actually finding someone you want to spend life with). Women think guys are into them when they are flirty or just nice in general (we all, everyone, has to stop mistaking being nice for flirting. Sometimes people are just nice people, it doesn't always mean they're into you). They mistake attention for "signs" and friendship for more than that. Men on the other hand, not all of them but a whole lot of around 30 year olds, can treat a girl like she's their girlfriend, but then not see them like that at all. There is less attachment. Women take joy and hold on to the little things, guys aren't in it until they've made that actual decision to be, and vocally made it official.
So we as women, have absolutely got to stop trying to win a guy over. What's that say for any future relationship you may or may not have? If you're changing yourself and trying so hard to be the person this guy will want, then what happens when you finally stop being that person? Be yourself, and the right guy will find your little sounds, your quirks, your favorite things, endearing.
We halfheartedly live in this world where men are supposed to pursue women, but also women are supposed to be super independent.... Men want all these standards, but then if a women says the same thing we get sort of berated for it. Double standards are everywhere. It's ridiculous. But one of the points is that we have to stop vying SO HARD for their attention. They will give it if they want to. And if they don't want to, don't try to make them. 1. that will push them away 2. you will look desperate, and you're a strong independent boss girl, so don't do that. but 3. The right guy will pick you above all the other [I was going to write hoes, but really we have to stop using that language against each other even in play] women. In fact, the right guy who is ready for a real relationship will not only pick you, but not even pay attention to all the other women. However, we can't live in fear of other women in their lives. They will have friends who are girls, coworkers who they see more hours a day then you, who might even know them better than you do, who are women. But when they are into you, they will show you. They will reassure you. They will do what it takes to make sure you know they picked you for a reason.
So when we see the guy we are crushing on with someone else, we have to learn to back up. Stop stealing other women's men. Stop trying to change the guys' mind. He is capable of making his own decisions. And no matter what lines he spews at you about not being into the girl he's with, HE'S STILL WITH HER, so for the love of god don't start up with him. If he can cheat on her he can cheat on you. Respect yourself. Respect other women.

Part 2: We have to start respecting each other, ladies. I too am guilty of looking at the new girlfriend and comparing myself- both good and bad ways. I have dealt with crazy ex girlfriends who message me and tell me I'm not good enough for him, I have dealt with the new girlfriend who wants to be my best friend to find out any information she can. I have been the girl with the crush who looks at every other girls' page to see what my competition is like. But I learned to hide my crazy, not because it needs hidden- we are who we are. But because it's unhealthy, and it drives us insane. I've learned to not get mad when relationships end, to respect the new and old women in a man's life. To respect women because if we don't show each other respect, why should anyone else? Stand together in solidarity, sisters. Be happy for the girl who gets the guy everyone likes. Be happy when two people finally take the plunge instead of being angry that it's not you. We often misplace our anger: we like/love the guy so much that we put our anger on the woman. Except she (most of the time) had nothing to do with the demise of your relationship. We don't have to like every woman, we don't have to be friends with everyone, but we should show each other the same respect we think we deserve. That's that. End of story.


I know some of this may contradict the things I've said in my life. So obviously I am learning these things, as I grow too. But as we take the wild ride into young adulthood, I become more aware of the things that have to change. I don't want my daughter to be hurt like I have been- both by girl friends and guys. I want her to grow up in a world where women respect, appreciate, and back each other. Where the backstabbing of girls over a guy is minimal to nonexistent (but also where boys are taught to respect girls, so they grow into men who respect and treat women like they are worthy of being treated. Not as property, lesser, or  unimportant). It's way past time to start changing how we deal with these things. It's time to grow up and be the adults that we are, whether we want to admit it or not, and learn that we don't always get every thing and relationship we want. But if we treat others with respect, we might find some really great things along the way.