Oh, that the heart must break

Oh, that the heart must break to know true healing.

This last month has been tumultuous to say the least. The last week has been stressful in a million different ways. I'm not really sure where to begin.

I originally signed off of this blog because I felt like I had finally found the people who were going to be there for me when I need them- to talk through things, to vent to, to put in a joint effort into a joint friendship. A few months down the road, I find I have been putting in so much effort to keep these people in my life, and there is almost zero (i'll give them like a 20%) effort on their part. This is a huge reason I left this area in the first place. I honestly never feel like there is anything for me here.
>Have you ever felt so desperate for change that you're basically willing to do anything?<
I have been trying so hard, and failing miserably, at finding something to give me that change I'm searching for.

After realizing my last big relationship was not the right person for me, I was starting to find myself again. But rather quickly I let this guy sweep into my life in a time that I think was confusing for both of us, and he sweet talked and flirted and asked how my day was and how my kid was and missed me and called me beautiful and made me know that I am worth something. But just as quickly as he came in, he sort of walked away. Our conversations of a future together stopped, our cute texts stopped, our silly snaps stopped. Basically, like all the other ones, he hooked me then walked away. The only thing that makes it okay is that we weren't truly anything. We had this weird commitment to each other. But there was no effort to actually see each other, or talk on the phone much, or figure out getting us to the same place. I think that effort failed on both our parts. So while there was never anything official, it still hurts to feel like you're losing someone. It's the process that hurts. He is one of those people that it seems like my life will always come back to. And in any way that happens, I think I'm okay with that.

I have recently chosen a side between two friends who were always so dear to me in their horrible mess of a divorce. But as I navigate this with my friend, it just brings up so much of the ridiculousness that was my divorce. All the mess and crap I have not and will not air on the internet. But standing in agreement and supporting my friend for her decision, I can't tell her enough how proud I am of her for doing what is right and best for her family. Other people won't understand, and they will always blame you (as they still do me) for taking his children from him, for not sticking it out. But until they are in our shoes during the 2am fights, and the sleepless nights, they will never understand. You Are Doing The Right Thing. Don't look back. Never look back. It's only up from here.

Last week I got a message from an ex in Ohio telling me that a good old friend of ours committed suicide. I don't really know the details of that, but his funeral was Thursday and I was just sort of sad to think about it and not be able to go.
Thursday night I got a call from someone very dear to me telling me that someone he is very close to had died. By proxy that makes me sad as well. I don't want this person to hurt, but there is literally not a thing I can do about it.
Friday night I got an alert on my phone to a facebook post from Maggie's aunt and uncle. She was pregnant, due in March. At their gender reveal appointment they found out the baby had no heartbeat. They went in today to actually deliver this deceased baby. The amount of strength a mother has during childbirth anyways is a feat like nothing else. But to actually have to deliver a child you will never get to watch grow up is one of the hardest things I could imagine. The strength of parents who have lost a child is something I hope I never have to know.
Friday night I also got a phone call that a friend of mine, and everyone's (no, really, this guy knew every single person around here) had died. He was the sweetest most fun guy. One of the most welcoming people when I first met him so so many years ago. And every single time I saw him it was definitely a good time. He will be so much more missed than I bet he ever thought he would be.

So to say I've been dealing with some stuff this month is an understatement. On top of work, school work, general life stresses, ex husband stresses, child stresses, the holidays coming, trying to figure out money woes, needing to find a new car, wanting to find my own apartment, craft fairs, exams, and people, I'm ready to just disappear for a while. I don't think my mind has ever been so worn out, and my heart has ever hurt so much. To not have someone to sit and talk with and just be around is definitely hard. But then I think about these dear families who have lost so much this week, and every single issue I am dealing with seems so small. So unimportant. I know in a week or so everything in my life will rear back up, and the world will show it's ugly head in my life, and I will be stressed out again. But for today I am going to sit back, and say a prayer, and hope that there really is a God right now, because so many people need comforting, hope, peace, and to know that life does get better.

If you or someone you know needs help with Suicide or Addiction, please seek help.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255 available 24 hours a day
Addiction: Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) SAMHSA is 24 hours and can lead in the right direction for help with addictions and mental health disorders. http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline


Oh, that the heart must break to know true healing. I believe I  have finally healed from all my own stuff, but these spurts of life that bring around awful things, things that just chip away at who you are, are the spots we must all stick together, rely on each other, and know that healing comes with time. And though we never forget, we will be whole again, eventually.