Its not that I thought I had any reason to doubt at first. When he said “she’s doing me a huge favor, I don’t want my family to know because I don’t want them to think I’m a mess up” I believed him. Why did I believe him? Because he swore to me up and down that they had been broken up. What did he leave out? That they had only stayed broken up for a very short time. Why did I believe him? Because I have truly missed him for years. Because I honestly enjoy every single thing about him, and I think he's pretty handsome ;) but mostly because after 15 years- I didn’t think he would treat me SO poorly. I thought we had a mutual respect. I believed he actually cared.
So now the signs have all been blaring, and I have stupidly ignored them. His picture stayed up on her online profiles this ENTIRE time. I tried to back out of seeing him and asked playfully “Why, is that when your girlfriend is picking you up?” for his answer to be “don’t be moody.” I saw the signs, but I believed the words. And now I feel the real hurt of someone I truly never thought would lie to me this much, that I never intended to start something with, that constantly made life plans with me, and talked with me, and learned my secrets- to literally show up with that “ex” and engaged to her. ENGAGED. A commitment and promise to marry them, marriage being a commitment and promise to stay loyal, loving, and with them, forever. The truth is I love big and I love with everything in me- because I don’t see another way to love. And I remember the night I felt that love for him, and I remember feeling like we might finally have our chance. And now I know the empty feeling I’m left with and that it’s bigger than any hole I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why it seems so painful, maybe it’s because I just really know deep down we could have had something amazing. A wonderful story to go back to years down the road and just say “I know I made the right choice with you.” I know we would have helped each other pursue our dreams and reach our goals, we would have made sure the other one had what they need. I know this because this is how we were. It’s how I am at least. And now it’s how he will hopefully be with someone else. I do truly hope he never stops pushing for his goals, because I know he can achieve them if he has the support.
I did not make my choice to move based on him—because the night before my interview for this job I start this week, I curled up in his arms and asked him what we would do if I didn’t get it—and so reassuringly he told me he would move down to me, that we would figure it out. I believed him because I wanted to. I believed him because I just couldn’t believe someone could look me straight in the eyes and tell me they felt so strongly for me, and be lying. So he was not in my equation to move. But it still hurts just as bad that 5 days before my move, the first day of what is supposed to be “my new year” this picture of him and her happily engaged shows up.
He had no plans to tell me, and still hasn’t really tried to talk to me about it. He insists that we sit down and talk about it, but he has made no effort to do so. Tonight I told him I have to be done with this, we either have this conversation or I have to walk away. And nothing, he said nothing. I believe he didn’t want to hurt me, but I also believe he knew exactly what he was doing, and when I became a very real presence, things sort of changed.
To say I’m hurt is a bit of an understatement. I don’t do well when I don’t know the reasons. If he is so in love with her, and wants to spend his life with her, why was I in the picture for almost an entire year? Why did he come to me months ago spouting out about missing me and me being the one who got away, to get his chance just to change his mind? In my own experience, you don’t go looking for someone if you’re in a truly happy relationship. I’m angry with him, but I still care so deeply for him. Some of you know how that goes. But I’m really hurt at feeling used so bad. I have always had his back, I have always been there for him, and in recent months he talks to me like he has no one, like I’m not there, like I’ve never been there: Like I don’t exist. And I don’t exist in his real world. So much so that he hides the tags of our pictures together so no one knows who I am. That he sneaks around to see me when I’ve been in town. That he has to go outside on long walks to talk on the phone to me, so no one knows who he’s talking to. (These are all things that have been pieced together after the fact). That’s not love. That’s not even friendship. Even after knowing all I’ve been through, and how much hurt I’ve had, he did the exact thing I asked him not to. And the lies just piled up. It could be so different; we could have had a mutual friendship, him and his clearly-never-has-been-ex, and me. I bet it could have been great too. I don’t think I have ever felt so genuinely disrespected by someone in my life. And that, I think, is the saddest part of it all.
No comments:
Post a Comment