This week the social media devil reared it's ugly head when what should show up in my "People you might know" list on facebook other than a picture of the guy I've been planning life with for the last year, in a picture with what I knew to be his ex, sporting a beautiful engagement ring on New Year's day.
What the actual F*** is that.
That, my friends, is the world of social media and this new age in dating. At almost 30 years old, I don't feel like it was so far fetched of me to believe the words of my guy when, after 15 years of being in and out of each other's lives, he said he was just as excited about our life together as I was. I didn't realize that at 30 years old telling someone you loved them, want to marry them (all his bringing up, not mine) and generally being into them, meant that you weren't actually anything because you didn't have an official title. I mean, I understand the dating more than one person thing. I understand the not being totally exclusive with someone and not labeling yourselves as in a relationship. But when you're ACTUALLY close to marriage with someone- I'm pretty sure you're labeled. You're official. You're a thing. So why was I in the picture at all?
When him and I started talking again about 9 months ago, he told me that they had been broken up for a few months before that. I asked so many times over the last year if they still had something going on for him to tell me, consistently, no- and he was into me, and in this with me, and we would figure it out since we were so far away from each other. I told him I didn't trust him, he told me the same- not for lack of wanting to, but just because people have betrayed our trust so much in the past that we were unsure. I asked him not to make me the other woman. I asked him specifically to not put me in a place where I would get hurt, and if he was going to- to just be honest and tell me.
So instead of telling me he was with his ex again, or that marriage was on the table, I got texts all week. I got the fight he picked when I posted an IG post saying something about not being taken for granted. I got the no I still feel the same. I'll see you this day if I'm not working. The cute goodnight texts and the good morning ones. All the while knowing he was going to ask her to marry him. He had 2 weeks to tell me, and he didn't even have to tell me in person. He just had to text it to me. I know that's not something you just text but it's way better then just not saying anything. I don't even think he was planning on telling me, at all. I think he was just going to talk to me less and less until I just gave up. He's actually a smart guy, so I don't really know why he decided this was the best way to handle this. And we've actually been friends for a long time, so I don't really know why he decided I wasn't worth the respect to tell me what was going on.
Had he just been honest with me, I probably would have understood. We possibly could have ended this on much better terms, one where we could all be friends. But I am not sure I've ever been lied to so much in my life. Even my ex husband only denied the truth one time before coming clean. But to tell me, for months, almost an entire year, that nothing was going on when clearly things were going on. I put this just about equal with the lies my ex husband told me. I put the hurt even greater though. And I know some people won't understand that. But this guy knows what I have been through. He knows my life, my story. And even though he just really didn't want to hurt me by telling me, he had to have known that this would be way worse. This way makes me question every single word he has ever said to me. Every single feeling shared, story told. All the energy and time I spent worrying about him, talking to him, everything. All time I could have spent on my child, or with one of the few really great guys I turned down because I was planning a future with this guy.
I think there will always be a piece of me that misses him. But I think that he's really proved me wrong. Or proved what I knew deep down to be right. I always knew I would end up disappointed somehow, but I didn't think it would be because he chose another girl over me. I truly did not see this coming. And it truly hurts more than I thought it would.
We tried at 14, and again at 28, I'm not counting on 65 being any better right now.
I truly truly wish you the best. You deserve something good in your life. I'm just sorry you had to hurt me in the process, and that we had to lose this friendship along the way. <3
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