"a world without you hurts..."

One of the hardest things, I feel, in life, is to love someone who doesn't love you back. I know how extreme that sounds, so let's tone it down a notch. To have feelings for someone who doesn't have them back.

This week I've experienced both sides of this. I have had someone tell me how strongly they feel towards me, only to have me not reciprocate those feelings. And I have felt very strongly for someone, only for him to be pretty up and down on his towards me (at least that's how I feel about it). 

It's funny the way feelings and such work. It's literally just a chemical reaction in your body. That's all. It's not some outer-body experience, some divine intervention of a higher being's chosing (if you believe this way, then believe He made you to have that reaction with the person you're meant to), it's literally just the pleasure part of your brain lighting up. When your heart breaks, it's been proven that the body reacts the same as it does if you are detoxing cold turkey (why is it called cold turkey?) off some heavy drug. I can never discredit someone who says their heart hurts, because if you've ever been hurt, the physical body hurts when missing that person. The nausea is real, the pain is real. There are real cases of a "broken heart" where the stress on the body was too much and the heart strings literally have broken. I've said literally a lot but I am trying to stress a point that these feelings should be validated in everyone.

I have caused a lot of heartbreak in my time, believe it or not. But I have also had a lot put on me by others. So to hurt someone all over again this week has been sort of hard of me. I am sure in my decision, but it is hard to make someone re-live those same conversations all over again. On the opposite end, I have had this person who right now is more of a favorite friend than anything, not make an ounce of effort to see or call me in weeks, and it hurts just the same. To be in the same building but they don't bother to say anything, or to literally be a mile away but it's too far.

It's tough to feel unwanted, but I think it can be just as hard on the person who has to make that other person feel that way. In many cases. I have had such a hard time having to let people down, and I know that before people have had a hard time with having to let me down. But I think the key thing is open and caring communication. Never would I intentionally hurt someone in the way I let them down, but I also wouldn't lie to them to keep from having to do what I have to do. When someone puts in the effort, you can be sure they have the interest in you. When someone doesn't put in the effort, you can be sure they only keep you around when convenient for them. When someone doesn't speak to you for a year, you can be sure they've moved on. It's all messy, and it's all hard. But we're adults now, aren't we? So when we have to fire our coworkers, break bad news to friends or family, let people down all the time, shouldn't we be able to be real and honest with people we say we care about? I say it's time to put down the games, and put forth the effort where effort needs put. 

*This post is pretty much pointless. And this song only sort of applies to both sides of this, but I'm lowkey in love with Claudio. And very in love with this song. Enjoy.

"Pardon me, I think I'm going out of my head and into the worst. A world without you hurts... I hope I'm being clear that there's no one like you on Earth, that can be my universe."

The week that broke my nails and my heart...

This week I made this huge life changing move basically up the country to a new city I’ve never been before where I only know 3 people, two of which are ex boyfriends. HA. Some people say it’s exciting, others are scared for me, some don’t understand and some think I’m insane. But let’s be real- I was in a dead end job, not making enough money to sign a lease on my own, in a city I didn’t want to live in but was forced back to with no other options, living a life I felt wasn’t getting me anywhere. I started looking for jobs in other cities that were still close enough to family, but also not in Memphis. And I found an amazing one (I don’t even remember how I found the listing for this job), and I applied on a whim, not thinking I would actually get it, and I did. And now, two months later, I’m living in this huge, confusing, brand new city, with no one to guide me or help me through except myself.

My apartment is cute, I'm excited to have a place of my own for once, and a life of my own. I can sit in the living room at midnight watching TV if I want and there's no one I will be bothering except whoever I decide to text at that time. The move was easy enough, but now it's the unpacking that is the hard part.

I don’t have much to say about my job yet- I haven’t started yet. But from what I can tell it will basically be a lateral shift in assignment and duties, but a major upgrade in everything else.

So many people have had so many thoughts on my life and how to live it and what I need to do. And for whatever reason, in a brief moment of insanity haha, I decided to not care anymore. I decided to do this for myself. I decided and realized that I am literally the only person who is living my life. So this last year: When I didn’t want to marry the person I was engaged to, I called it off. I returned the ring to him and I moved on with my life. When I didn’t want to stay in the job I was working anymore, I looked around, found a new one. When I didn’t want to live in the city I was living in anymore, I moved. I have had mixed feelings of it all. But we never grow as people if we don’t take the chances. So I did. And even though I’m going through a bit of a rough patch, I know this move will be for the best in the long run. I know that finally living my life for me and not for everyone else’s approval will take me so much farther than playing it safe, in my comfort zone, leading me to a struggling, boring existence.

Life is what we make it. Don’t like something? Change it! There are always other options out there, and if you think you need a better one, then find it. Don’t get stuck with a person or in a place that doesn’t make you excited to wake up in the mornings. Find a home that makes you feel your most welcome, find a job that you like doing, and find a person who when you think about them- it makes you smile. Take the leap, make the change, and find your happiness. I promise you won’t regret it. 

The week that broke my nails and my heart... PT 2

Its not that I thought I had any reason to doubt at first. When he said “she’s doing me a huge favor, I don’t want my family to know because I don’t want them to think I’m a mess up” I believed him. Why did I believe him? Because he swore to me up and down that they had been broken up. What did he leave out? That they had only stayed broken up for a very short time. Why did I believe him? Because I have truly missed him for years. Because I honestly enjoy every single thing about him, and I think he's pretty handsome ;) but mostly because after 15 years- I didn’t think he would treat me SO poorly. I thought we had a mutual respect. I believed he actually cared.

So now the signs have all been blaring, and I have stupidly ignored them. His picture stayed up on her online profiles this ENTIRE time. I tried to back out of seeing him and asked playfully “Why, is that when your girlfriend is picking you up?” for his answer to be “don’t be moody.” I saw the signs, but I believed the words. And now I feel the real hurt of someone I truly never thought would lie to me this much, that I never intended to start something with, that constantly made life plans with me, and talked with me, and learned my secrets- to literally show up with that “ex” and engaged to her. ENGAGED. A commitment and promise to marry them, marriage being a commitment and promise to stay loyal, loving, and with them, forever. The truth is I love big and I love with everything in me- because I don’t see another way to love. And I remember the night I felt that love for him, and I remember feeling like we might finally have our chance. And now I know the empty feeling I’m left with and that it’s bigger than any hole I’ve ever felt. I don’t know why it seems so painful, maybe it’s because I just really know deep down we could have had something amazing. A wonderful story to go back to years down the road and just say “I know I made the right choice with you.” I know we would have helped each other pursue our dreams and reach our goals, we would have made sure the other one had what they need. I know this because this is how we were. It’s how I am at least. And now it’s how he will hopefully be with someone else. I do truly hope he never stops pushing for his goals, because I know he can achieve them if he has the support.

I did not make my choice to move based on him—because the night before my interview for this job I start this week,  I curled up in his arms and asked him what we would do if I didn’t get it—and so reassuringly he told me he would move down to me, that we would figure it out. I believed him because I wanted to. I believed him because I just couldn’t believe someone could look me straight in the eyes and tell me they felt so strongly for me, and be lying. So he was not in my equation to move. But it still hurts just as bad that 5 days before my move, the first day of what is supposed to be “my new year” this picture of him and her happily engaged shows up.

He had no plans to tell me, and still hasn’t really tried to talk to me about it. He insists that we sit down and talk about it, but he has made no effort to do so. Tonight I told him I have to be done with this, we either have this conversation or I have to walk away. And nothing, he said nothing. I believe he didn’t want to hurt me, but I also believe he knew exactly what he was doing, and when I became a very real presence, things sort of changed.

To say I’m hurt is a bit of an understatement. I don’t do well when I don’t know the reasons. If he is so in love with her, and wants to spend his life with her, why was I in the picture for almost an entire year? Why did he come to me months ago spouting out about missing me and me being the one who got away, to get his chance just to change his mind?  In my own experience, you don’t go looking for someone if you’re in a truly happy relationship. I’m angry with him, but I still care so deeply for him. Some of you know how that goes. But I’m really hurt at feeling used so bad. I have always had his back, I have always been there for him, and in recent months he talks to me like he has no one, like I’m not there, like I’ve never been there:  Like I don’t exist. And I don’t exist in his real world. So much so that he hides the tags of our pictures together so no one knows who I am. That he sneaks around to see me when I’ve been in town. That he has to go outside on long walks to talk on the phone to me, so no one knows who he’s talking to. (These are all things that have been pieced together after the fact).  That’s not love. That’s not even friendship. Even after knowing all I’ve been through, and how much hurt I’ve had, he did the exact thing I asked him not to. And the lies just piled up. It could be so different; we could have had a mutual friendship, him and his clearly-never-has-been-ex, and me. I bet it could have been great too. I don’t think I have ever felt so genuinely disrespected by someone in my life. And that, I think, is the saddest part of it all. 

My boyfriend got engaged...

My boyfriend got engaged and it wasn't to me.


This week the social media devil reared it's ugly head when what should show up in my "People you might know" list on facebook other than a picture of the guy I've been planning life with for the last year, in a picture with what I knew to be his ex, sporting a beautiful engagement ring on New Year's day.

What the actual F*** is that.


That, my friends, is the world of social media and this new age in dating. At almost 30 years old, I don't feel like it was so far fetched of me to believe the words of my guy when, after 15 years of being in and out of each other's lives, he said he was just as excited about our life together as I was. I didn't realize that at 30 years old telling someone you loved them, want to marry them (all his bringing up, not mine) and generally being into them, meant that you weren't actually anything because you didn't have an official title. I mean, I understand the dating more than one person thing. I understand the not being totally exclusive with someone and not labeling yourselves as in a relationship. But when you're ACTUALLY close to marriage with someone- I'm pretty sure you're labeled. You're official. You're a thing. So why was I in the picture at all?

When him and I started talking again about 9 months ago, he told me that they had been broken up for a few months before that. I asked so many times over the last year if they still had something going on for him to tell me, consistently, no- and he was into me, and in this with me, and we would figure it out since we were so far away from each other. I told him I didn't trust him, he told me the same- not for lack of wanting to, but just because people have betrayed our trust so much in the past that we were unsure. I asked him not to make me the other woman. I asked him specifically to not put me in a place where I would get hurt, and if he was going to- to just be honest and tell me.

So instead of telling me he was with his ex again, or that marriage was on the table, I got texts all week. I got the fight he picked when I posted an IG post saying something about not being taken for granted. I got the no I still feel the same. I'll see you this day if I'm not working. The cute goodnight texts and the good morning ones. All the while knowing he was going to ask her to marry him. He had 2 weeks to tell me, and he didn't even have to tell me in person. He just had to text it to me. I know that's not something you just text but it's way better then just not saying anything. I don't even think he was planning on telling me, at all. I think he was just going to talk to me less and less until I just gave up. He's actually a smart guy, so I don't really know why he decided this was the best way to handle this. And we've actually been friends for a long time, so I don't really know why he decided I wasn't worth the respect to tell me what was going on.

Had he just been honest with me, I probably would have understood. We possibly could have ended this on much better terms, one where we could all be friends. But I am not sure I've ever been lied to so much in my life. Even my ex husband only denied the truth one time before coming clean. But to tell me, for months, almost an entire year, that nothing was going on when clearly things were going on. I put this just about equal with the lies my ex husband told me. I put the hurt even greater though. And I know some people won't understand that. But this guy knows what I have been through. He knows my life, my story. And even though he just really didn't want to hurt me by telling me, he had to have known that this would be way worse. This way makes me question every single word he has ever said to me. Every single feeling shared, story told. All the energy and time I spent worrying about him, talking to him, everything. All time I could have spent on my child, or with one of the few really great guys I turned down because I was planning a future with this guy.

I think there will always be a piece of me that misses him. But I think that he's really proved me wrong. Or proved what I knew deep down to be right. I always knew I would end up disappointed somehow, but I didn't think it would be because he chose another girl over me. I truly did not see this coming. And it truly hurts more than I thought it would.




We tried at 14, and again at 28, I'm not counting on 65 being any better right now.

I truly truly wish you the best. You deserve something good in your life. I'm just sorry you had to hurt me in the process, and that we had to lose this friendship along the way. <3