PSA: LADIES

Dear Ladies,

If "your man" don't choose you, then he ain't your man. There is no reason to DM a girl in the middle of the night, acting like you have mutual friends (you do know I can see our mutual friends, right?), then asking how she knows so-and-so. Sister, I see your name popping up all over my social media. I'm aware you stalk my page for those rare days I make it public view. I too, am a girl. I have the same investigative skills you do. I've seen your page, the comments, the likes. I feel just as crazy as you some days. But as women we have to learn, like Miranda Lambert says, to hide your crazy and act like a lady. I'm not blind to the fact that so-and-so has probably led you down the same path as me. My eyes are just as prodding as yours, my mind just as snooping, my heart just as hurting. If you are an "item", then come out and say it. Say to me "so-and-so and I have been seeing each other and I wanted to be sure you knew that. I don't appreciate the [whatever the problem is] going on." MOST women would prefer that over the sneaky, misleading, conniving ways that girls go about this stuff. But the truth of that statement is that you aren't an item, and you are to him exactly what I am- a girl with a pretty face that he might spend time talking to, but he isn't choosing either one of us right now. So please, if there is an issue- talk to him. We have to make our generation start taking responsibility for their actions-- even when it makes them uncomfortable. I'm aware none of you have ever heard of me, and don't know what role I play in his life. But own up to your crazy if you're going to flaunt it, and ask. Say something. Don't bite your tongue, it makes it worse. We all have to learn to be a little less passive (I'm preaching to the choir here). But for real girlfriend, if he's gotta make a decision between you and another person, then CLEARLY he's not that into either of you. I'm sorry my existence is making your head spin right now. I know the feelings all too well. But woman to woman, don't get crazy about it. Don't message every girl who likes a picture trying to figure out who they are. There are 7.2 billion people in the world, you're gonna get tired fast. Xo

The truth of the matter is that we as women have to stop acting like men can't make the decision for themselves of who is good for them. Who is the best fit for their lives. Who they want to invest their time in. I don't really know if it's the being almost 30 thing, or if it's a difference in generational stuff, but men and women see relationships very different these days (with the exception of actually finding someone you want to spend life with). Women think guys are into them when they are flirty or just nice in general (we all, everyone, has to stop mistaking being nice for flirting. Sometimes people are just nice people, it doesn't always mean they're into you). They mistake attention for "signs" and friendship for more than that. Men on the other hand, not all of them but a whole lot of around 30 year olds, can treat a girl like she's their girlfriend, but then not see them like that at all. There is less attachment. Women take joy and hold on to the little things, guys aren't in it until they've made that actual decision to be, and vocally made it official.
So we as women, have absolutely got to stop trying to win a guy over. What's that say for any future relationship you may or may not have? If you're changing yourself and trying so hard to be the person this guy will want, then what happens when you finally stop being that person? Be yourself, and the right guy will find your little sounds, your quirks, your favorite things, endearing.
We halfheartedly live in this world where men are supposed to pursue women, but also women are supposed to be super independent.... Men want all these standards, but then if a women says the same thing we get sort of berated for it. Double standards are everywhere. It's ridiculous. But one of the points is that we have to stop vying SO HARD for their attention. They will give it if they want to. And if they don't want to, don't try to make them. 1. that will push them away 2. you will look desperate, and you're a strong independent boss girl, so don't do that. but 3. The right guy will pick you above all the other [I was going to write hoes, but really we have to stop using that language against each other even in play] women. In fact, the right guy who is ready for a real relationship will not only pick you, but not even pay attention to all the other women. However, we can't live in fear of other women in their lives. They will have friends who are girls, coworkers who they see more hours a day then you, who might even know them better than you do, who are women. But when they are into you, they will show you. They will reassure you. They will do what it takes to make sure you know they picked you for a reason.
So when we see the guy we are crushing on with someone else, we have to learn to back up. Stop stealing other women's men. Stop trying to change the guys' mind. He is capable of making his own decisions. And no matter what lines he spews at you about not being into the girl he's with, HE'S STILL WITH HER, so for the love of god don't start up with him. If he can cheat on her he can cheat on you. Respect yourself. Respect other women.

Part 2: We have to start respecting each other, ladies. I too am guilty of looking at the new girlfriend and comparing myself- both good and bad ways. I have dealt with crazy ex girlfriends who message me and tell me I'm not good enough for him, I have dealt with the new girlfriend who wants to be my best friend to find out any information she can. I have been the girl with the crush who looks at every other girls' page to see what my competition is like. But I learned to hide my crazy, not because it needs hidden- we are who we are. But because it's unhealthy, and it drives us insane. I've learned to not get mad when relationships end, to respect the new and old women in a man's life. To respect women because if we don't show each other respect, why should anyone else? Stand together in solidarity, sisters. Be happy for the girl who gets the guy everyone likes. Be happy when two people finally take the plunge instead of being angry that it's not you. We often misplace our anger: we like/love the guy so much that we put our anger on the woman. Except she (most of the time) had nothing to do with the demise of your relationship. We don't have to like every woman, we don't have to be friends with everyone, but we should show each other the same respect we think we deserve. That's that. End of story.


I know some of this may contradict the things I've said in my life. So obviously I am learning these things, as I grow too. But as we take the wild ride into young adulthood, I become more aware of the things that have to change. I don't want my daughter to be hurt like I have been- both by girl friends and guys. I want her to grow up in a world where women respect, appreciate, and back each other. Where the backstabbing of girls over a guy is minimal to nonexistent (but also where boys are taught to respect girls, so they grow into men who respect and treat women like they are worthy of being treated. Not as property, lesser, or  unimportant). It's way past time to start changing how we deal with these things. It's time to grow up and be the adults that we are, whether we want to admit it or not, and learn that we don't always get every thing and relationship we want. But if we treat others with respect, we might find some really great things along the way.

I fell in love

Edit: This is way too long, and actually totally pointless. But I hope you enjoy ;)

Dear men,

To get right to the point, you have no right to blow into a woman's life and tell her she is your girl, one, everything- then cop out. You also absolutely should not start something you can't finish. Women are emotional beings, and when you mess with our emotions, you mess with our entire lives.

I'm going to get a little repetitive and blunt in this post. I am sorry in advance if it offends anyone. But I have really had a go of it recently, and there is a nature of respect that needs to be addressed.
Most of this has been mentioned here before. But some of it has not. Edit: I tried to stay kind.


Flashback to November 2015. I decided it was time to try and move on with my life. A true dream of mine has always been the family life. So after some time of grieving, moving around, and general wandering aimlessly through life, I met this guy online. He was so sweet, and nice, and really genuinely liked me- more than I can say (or tell) from other guys I've dated. He would leave me notes, buy me flowers, always had some big date for us to go on. But also- he never disagreed with me, never spoke his true opinion (maybe he never really had one but that's not good either). I wasn't learning anything from him. There weren't new things he would introduce me to. While he actually listened when I had things I was interested- and he would let me talk about them for however long I wanted, there wasn't a mutual building up. On valentine's day he asked me to marry him and I said yes. In truth, I didn't want to be alone. That's a hard thing to admit, and when that family life is all you want, your thoughts and emotions can be a little crazy. I know I didn't love him like I should have. While he had a lot of the qualities I wanted, there were so many other things glaring back at me. I tried to say "well, he has to overlook a lot in me." And it wasn't until my best friend stopped my world with one sentence. She said "yeah but Shaina, it's not the same things you're overlooking." What? I truly hadn't thought of it that way. I have...things about me. But the biggest, to so many divorced and single moms, is just that. That exactly who we are is the biggest flaw we have. I can certainly say the fact that I'm divorced and have a kid are not flaws. I do however, overthink everything, get paranoid, talk too much when I feel like I'm losing something I really want, and generally just push people away while still wanting to hold onto them. I'm a mess. Anyways, in April I had a really hard week and he took me to see one of my favorite bands for my birthday. It was ironically, at that concert that I realized for sure that he wasn't the right person for me. Maybe it's a romanticized version of what a relationship should be, but, and I know how petty this sounds, he didn't hold my hand at all. The sweetest most lovey song was on, and he didn't wrap his arms around me. He knows they are my favorite band. He knows more about me than I think my ex husband did. But that's because he asked. so many questions all the time, we talked and talked and talked. I genuinely appreciate when people show interest in what my life has been. I love learning people's life stories, it's refreshing when someone asks you to tell them something about yourself that they don't know.
I broke up with him later that week, When I broke up with him I saw a side of him that I had not been introduced to yet, and the massive red flag he was throwing in my face, all my faults and failures, was just not cool. To be curt, I think I dodged a bullet in the long term. I knew I wouldn't be happy forever. While I miss having someone who would do anything to make me laugh, who knew how much I appreciate the little things, who would go to musicals with me and tell me how beautiful I am, who would let me cry when things got tough, and hold my hand while looking at christmas lights, I'm glad I saw the big picture sooner rather than later.

Skip forward a month, I am doing well. I am on track, happier than I have ever been. *ping* one new notice, on instagram, from the guy your heart has always missed but your lives have gone two completely different ways and he literally disappeared for years and now he's back. "I miss you, text me." May-Sept: "text text text laugh laugh laugh ughhh you're so cute I miss you, you're so beautiful I miss you text text "I'm so in love with you, you're my person. I can see forever with you. I would love your girl as my own (side note: that made me fall hard) I want to be with you" "woooahhh hold on. we both just out of relationships, I think this is just lonliness. I'm so glad you found me but woah" fate fate longing text text text giggle giggle giggle "If I was at that show I would makeout with you. and hold your hand (said while seeing my other favorite band at a different time)" and two months later I'm completely head over heels for this guy. I mean, no joke, he's always been a smooth operator. He acts like the girls don't all always want him, but he's a charmer, and he's seriously cute. And when he laughs and gets awkward and cracks his little smile, seriously it's like the entire mess that is my life doesn't even matter anymore because he's back in my life and it's all I've ever missed. When he talks about something that he's sort of embarrassed to say, the way he (has always done this, it's a memory I have of him) puts his head in his hand and plays with his hair looking away so as to not make eye contact because even though you're pouring your heart out as long as you look away it sort of helps. According to my journal from years ago, the first time I saw him I was smitten. I used to compare people to him. We never had anything real serious, but that was good, Had we at that time, he probably would have been my biggest heartache. And now all these years later, I'm just as smitten. I get to know the grown up, got his act together him. I hesitate to say love (the word has a big heavy meaning), because we're both a little bit dysfunctional. But I'd love to be dysfunctional together for a very long time. Love can come later. But I can truly say I would be proud to be with him. That I am proud of him.
Cue September: The good morning texts trail off, maybe one a week if that anymore, the smiles throughout the day stop, the snaps stop, the calls stop. There are full days that he doesn't talk to me anymore. I try to chalk it up to the fact that school started and his life is a busy, crazy, overwhelming mess. But to tell me he doesn't look at his phone all day but then (fact: social media was developed to make girls crazy) is all over instagram liking every single girl's selfie except mine, telling other girls they are beautiful but no longer me. (Even if we just go back to being just friends, that's what bffs do, tell each other their selfie is beautiful or cute so they can help them impress that one person hahahah amiright?)  I have a hard time believing he doesn't look at his phone all day. And when that's our main form of communication, I'm just not sure how to feel. It's just that now our conversations aren't like they were. We don't get to talk about nothing and everything anymore. He doesn't try to make me smile. It's me asking how his day is going, him saying fine, then not hearing from him again. It's me finally getting fed up and saying something about it for him to turn around and tell me he's trying his hardest and he's in this. Except this isn't anything. He doesn't make time to text, won't call, and can't find time to see each other. So while it was good and we had big dreams together for about 5 months, the fall has come and with that the biggest fall of all. I know the struggle that a relationship with him would bring. Mentally, emotionally, and physically (one of us would have to change locations) I have weighed the options. I have written pros and cons lists in my head, debated whether to shut this aspect of us down or not. And I have decided he IS worth it. But not like this. Not with me giving everything and not even a "how are you" in return. With me answering 2am phone calls but when I'm having the biggest breakdown of my year he's nowhere to be found. I know he's busy. I am too. But I choose to make time. That's the conscious choice that has to be made. And this time it genuinely hurts. I asked a big important life question yesterday, and got nothing in return, literally he just ignored it. I woke up this morning feeling honestly heartbroken over whatever mess this friendlationship is. (Blink 182 generally makes me happy but of course their self titled from 2003 is on right now and its the saddest record they've ever done. Not helping my emotional state right this minute). It took a lot to get me to the point where I wanted to say I was willing to give us a go, but then once he hooked me, he willingly walked away. I don't ask many questions about the years I don't know. Here and there I have in passing and he ignores them. But I imagine these same things were problems before. I guess it's just the difference in who is willing to put up with it and for how long. Now, all of that makes him sound really bad. But I know under the facade that he is a truly genuine, committed (to what he wants to be), kind person. He's just not quite ready for the big changes, and that's okay. But I can't promise to hang around and wait. I wish I was okay with just being a side person, I wish that if I decide to go on a date with someone else it won't make a rift with us. But I'm not sure, I don't know the status of our thing. At one point I was sure I meant more than just a friend, I didn't doubt that he might be talking the same talk to other girls. But so quickly that changed. I know he finally realized that he's good enough, and there are tons of people who like him who he can be happy with. And I hope he finds the things he is looking for, with or without me. He honestly deserves the best, and I hope he finds whatever that is to him.

This week, another guy from my past seriously blew my mind. He messages me out of the blue, and proceeds to tell me he doesn't remember our relationship like, at all. We dated/notdated/stayedtogether for a year. Like, an entire year. Like every weekend with each other, seriously talked about moving in together, told each other i love you. He was the biggest heart break of my adult life. He was the start of the gaggle of crappy men I have dated, but man does he take the cake. I was genuinely surprised when he told me this. The amount of tears and heart ache he caused me-- and he doesn't even garner me the respect to remember us? I'm almost offended. If he hadn't have been such a crappy person, I would be a lot more ticked off than I am. This guy came into my life, and pursued me harder than anyone I have ever met. He won me over pretty easily to say the least. For a year I drove the 2 hours to his area (in the middle of nowhere mind you, like my directions were "turn left at the 4th ditch, the only stop light in the town." why anyone wants to live in Arkansas is beyond me hahahaha) and it wasn't because I enjoyed the area. I did enjoy him though. I don't know if I've ever had so much fun with a person in my life. We got each other's humor and jokes and just knew what each other liked. We watched endless hours of the Chappelle show, star wars, and basically all of the funny guy movies out. We would go to dinner at his dad's and stay up all night talking about any random thing there was (man did he have some random stuff). We would help each other form the perfect myspace page and take the perfect pictures. I would fall asleep and he would sit up chatting with every other girl ever on the computer literally right beside me. I would ask him to come to bed and he would close that chat window so fast. I always knew, I always saw. But when you're young and completely in love, and you're the one who he is with, then it's sort of whatever. But alas, nothing good lasts with guys who play with girl's emotions. I came over one day before he got home from work, went in, tidied up, started dinner, went to take a nap until he got home from work and lo and behold- looong blonde hairs in the bed. All over the bed. No wonder he blocked out our relationship, because that was probably the second biggest relationship fight I've ever had. It was the first time I had ever yelled at someone, I think it's possible I threw a shoe at him. That was a long night to say the least. I went home the next morning and was back two weeks later. That was my own fault. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice- I'm just an idiot who thinks cheaters change. And maybe they do- for the person they want to. But in my experience that's not the case either.About a month later, he cheated on me again with a girl he was meeting for the first time. And after that I was done. I took him home after that show, because I had a lot of stuff at his house that I needed to get. We said our goodbyes and I left and went to my best friend's house and bawled my eyes out for days. I was so hurt and upset after that. Luckily I was young enough to get back on my feet quickly lol. And now it's 8 or 9 years later and it doesn't even phase me. Like I sort of forgot the guy existed until he messaged me this week.

Then of course, there's all the other *vulgar word that rhymes with duck*boys out there, and my ex husband, all who think it's okay to cheat on every person you are ever with. Because girls are idiots and always give second chances.

All of these examples are here to show just how much it affects women when men toy with their emotions. While it may not mean anything to a guy, hell, they may even forget that they even knew you, women tend to live by their emotions. Those late night calls, staying up all night talking, going out of your way to take her to see fireworks (that boy was my favoritefavorite not boyfriend best friend, he was truly the sweetest), those are the things that mean the most to her. And when you don't see that what you are doing is leading her on, then it is you who needs to reevaluate.

Women: we need to stop being the "chill girl, no drama" crap that all these *vulgar word that rhymes with duck* boys out there want. There have been a few articles I've read lately that have just hit the nail on the head. The girl who stresses out too much is good- it shows she cares. The guys want these chill girls but that's not who we are. While we don't have to be psycho, we shouldn't be okay with putting ourselves on the back burner and not expecting the same respect back that we are giving to them.

Each guy in this blog didn't listen to me when I told him what I was feeling. #1 would text me huge good morning/night texts- daily would tell me all the things he loved about me and why I made him happy. He sent me flowers to work 4 times in 5 months. I love flowers. I buy myself them sometimes just because. But that made it not special. I asked him to tone it back a little, and he said he loves to do the little things, so no.
On the flip side of that, in my 6 year relationship/marriage, I didn't get flowers once. Every thing was always big and over the top. I just wanted a kiss on the forehead and a little $3 bouquet from the drug store. The personality of these two is a whole lot more a like than I'm willing to admit.
The other two would/do feed me all the right words, but never the actions. Here and there a cute little thing would comes out (the one guy, we were at ihop in the middle of the night and he pulled up a big handful of the flowers out front and gave them to me. hahahaha it was oddly cute). Every now and then I will get a cute text or snap, but it's more and more rare.
The difference with these guys is that they don't live the same as me. The attention doesn't dictate the feelings. So even if he's not paid any attention to me in 2 days, it doesn't totally mean he doesn't like me.(I'm justifying here, reaching even, but I know that's the personality of these ones).

So why is it so hard to find someone in between? I think it's because men these days are staying single and partying longer, they are taking life less seriously and not wanting to settle down as soon as men used to. But when you have been through the ringer with every aspect of your life, and you have a kid to think about too, prospective changes. It shouldn't be so hard to find someone in between all of this. Someone who wants to see me, talk to me, hear about my day. It doesn't even have to be daily- but ask how my classes are going, how my kid is doing. Will reassure me like once a week (I know I'm not the only girl who feels this way) that I'm theirs and that they want to be with me, will do cute things every now and then (key words here, every now and then), and appreciate the cute things I do in return, I am tired of always apologizing when I get insecure. I'm tired of having to tone down who I am because guys want "chill girls." I have a busy life. I have a stressful life. Sometimes I want someone to reciprocate. To listen. I won't apologize anymore for asking if someone has a minute to talk. Friendships and relationships included. Women are still being made to accept whatever excuse the guy throws their way. And when we don't accept it, they get defensive and we grasp to hold onto something. Men, please realize that if you truly love your girl, she won't have to agree with anything I've written here. She shouldn't have to question your feelings about her. She shouldn't have to be paranoid she's losing you to the girl you work with. She shouldn't have to feel alone. So if she's still holding on, and you're not- then tell her. Be honest. THAT is the best quality you could ever have- towards friends and relationships, honesty.

This post was not supposed to be what it is. It started as an open letter to guys who play with girls feelings. But as it turned out, I had a whole lot more to say. I know I will get a text at some point from my currently not interested-stringing me along-but I'm not ready to let go of him yet- guy telling me he's not happy about this post. And what I need him to know is that for now, I'm still here. I know you're not ready, and that you started something you weren't ready to see through or finish. But I'm not ready to let go of you just yet (if you even read this far. It's easier to put it here then send it in a text, or sit on it until there's time for a long phone call). And I know everyone reading this will have an opinion on that. But to that I say : Do you even understand how convenient long distance is right now? Like we still get to do our own things, but all I'm asking for is a little more effort in texting or calling me here and there. We aren't ready for that real commitment. I'm not an idiot lol.

If you made it this far, you're either bored, or a saint. I have no good closing remarks. Mostly this whole thing was just complaining. But it's gotta be said somewhere. So I put it here.

Oh, that the heart must break

Oh, that the heart must break to know true healing.

This last month has been tumultuous to say the least. The last week has been stressful in a million different ways. I'm not really sure where to begin.

I originally signed off of this blog because I felt like I had finally found the people who were going to be there for me when I need them- to talk through things, to vent to, to put in a joint effort into a joint friendship. A few months down the road, I find I have been putting in so much effort to keep these people in my life, and there is almost zero (i'll give them like a 20%) effort on their part. This is a huge reason I left this area in the first place. I honestly never feel like there is anything for me here.
>Have you ever felt so desperate for change that you're basically willing to do anything?<
I have been trying so hard, and failing miserably, at finding something to give me that change I'm searching for.

After realizing my last big relationship was not the right person for me, I was starting to find myself again. But rather quickly I let this guy sweep into my life in a time that I think was confusing for both of us, and he sweet talked and flirted and asked how my day was and how my kid was and missed me and called me beautiful and made me know that I am worth something. But just as quickly as he came in, he sort of walked away. Our conversations of a future together stopped, our cute texts stopped, our silly snaps stopped. Basically, like all the other ones, he hooked me then walked away. The only thing that makes it okay is that we weren't truly anything. We had this weird commitment to each other. But there was no effort to actually see each other, or talk on the phone much, or figure out getting us to the same place. I think that effort failed on both our parts. So while there was never anything official, it still hurts to feel like you're losing someone. It's the process that hurts. He is one of those people that it seems like my life will always come back to. And in any way that happens, I think I'm okay with that.

I have recently chosen a side between two friends who were always so dear to me in their horrible mess of a divorce. But as I navigate this with my friend, it just brings up so much of the ridiculousness that was my divorce. All the mess and crap I have not and will not air on the internet. But standing in agreement and supporting my friend for her decision, I can't tell her enough how proud I am of her for doing what is right and best for her family. Other people won't understand, and they will always blame you (as they still do me) for taking his children from him, for not sticking it out. But until they are in our shoes during the 2am fights, and the sleepless nights, they will never understand. You Are Doing The Right Thing. Don't look back. Never look back. It's only up from here.

Last week I got a message from an ex in Ohio telling me that a good old friend of ours committed suicide. I don't really know the details of that, but his funeral was Thursday and I was just sort of sad to think about it and not be able to go.
Thursday night I got a call from someone very dear to me telling me that someone he is very close to had died. By proxy that makes me sad as well. I don't want this person to hurt, but there is literally not a thing I can do about it.
Friday night I got an alert on my phone to a facebook post from Maggie's aunt and uncle. She was pregnant, due in March. At their gender reveal appointment they found out the baby had no heartbeat. They went in today to actually deliver this deceased baby. The amount of strength a mother has during childbirth anyways is a feat like nothing else. But to actually have to deliver a child you will never get to watch grow up is one of the hardest things I could imagine. The strength of parents who have lost a child is something I hope I never have to know.
Friday night I also got a phone call that a friend of mine, and everyone's (no, really, this guy knew every single person around here) had died. He was the sweetest most fun guy. One of the most welcoming people when I first met him so so many years ago. And every single time I saw him it was definitely a good time. He will be so much more missed than I bet he ever thought he would be.

So to say I've been dealing with some stuff this month is an understatement. On top of work, school work, general life stresses, ex husband stresses, child stresses, the holidays coming, trying to figure out money woes, needing to find a new car, wanting to find my own apartment, craft fairs, exams, and people, I'm ready to just disappear for a while. I don't think my mind has ever been so worn out, and my heart has ever hurt so much. To not have someone to sit and talk with and just be around is definitely hard. But then I think about these dear families who have lost so much this week, and every single issue I am dealing with seems so small. So unimportant. I know in a week or so everything in my life will rear back up, and the world will show it's ugly head in my life, and I will be stressed out again. But for today I am going to sit back, and say a prayer, and hope that there really is a God right now, because so many people need comforting, hope, peace, and to know that life does get better.

If you or someone you know needs help with Suicide or Addiction, please seek help.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline: Call 1-800-273-8255 available 24 hours a day
Addiction: Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357) SAMHSA is 24 hours and can lead in the right direction for help with addictions and mental health disorders. http://www.samhsa.gov/find-help/national-helpline


Oh, that the heart must break to know true healing. I believe I  have finally healed from all my own stuff, but these spurts of life that bring around awful things, things that just chip away at who you are, are the spots we must all stick together, rely on each other, and know that healing comes with time. And though we never forget, we will be whole again, eventually.

so long, farewell

I don't ever read over these before I post them. Hope it's good.

Christian music sometimes makes me feel better, hopeful even. But other times it just makes me almost angry. No, I don't buy into the whole "well that's God dealing with you and you being angry" defense mechanism stance. I sometimes feel like Christians use God as a way to blow off peoples feelings and other issues by saying "God will take care of it" or "pray about it." Not to say He doesn't help people. I guess I'm just indifferent to some of the churchy lingo thrown around. 
I'm at the absolute weirdest point in my life. The last few days have been so incredibly strange. I miss old things, I long for new. I woke up feeling hurt, guilt, and infatuation all at the same time. I went to bed hopeful for a new day but also missing something I've never had.

Feeling alone is one of the strongest emotions I have ever met. And no matter how tight I hold onto the relationships I do have, sometimes, most times, it feels like I am 100% alone in this world. I have a few friends I see every now and then, one I talk to daily -- but that's superficial texting conversations, maybe a call every couple months, with a person I'm beginning to truly think I may never see in person again. These aren't things I would say are strong relationships. I have two girl friends that I would say I have strong unwavering friendships with. One lives in PA and one lives here. Other than these two women, I don't feel like I truly have anyone out there. I compare to these two who will answer my texts any time of day, who will sit and listen when I need a friend. They have been there for me through every single up and down. We have survived boyfriends, breaks ups, fights, friend-group break ups (again, sorry not sorry I never got that matching tattoo, girl), pregnancies, rebellion (as rebellious as we can be at 28 years old and on our own), crises of faith, just everything. And lately we have put more effort into our friendships and I can't even begin to tell them how much that means to me. These two women are theabsolute exception to everything I'm saying. 

When You get married you lose friends. You start a life as a couple and many single friends drop off. Hopefully the real friendships outlive that. But often, it's not intentional loss, but your focus is elsewhere and everyone stops trying.
When you have kids, people often drop out of your life. They don't want to hangout when there's a loud kid around. I get it. And sometimes it's really sad to see that friendships don't survive that.
And when you get divorced, you lose a whole new set of friends. Married couples don't often hang out with a single person. In some cases they do, but it's not the same. Friendships die off. There's no longer that family outing or double dates. You lose mutual friends you made together, people unintentionally take sides.
I don't want to say that I've truly lost people, they still exist, everyone for the most part is on good terms. But the friendships have gone. We've turned into old friends, new acquaintances. But all of this is also just part of growing up and figuring out who you need and want in your life.

The hopeless feeling that comes with loneliness is just so biting. And maybe that comes from having had something you may have thought would last forever, then having it not be there anymore. Maybe it comes from being so used to having someone sleep in your bed and the physical emptiness is this huge reminder that there isn't someone on your side (no pun intended, okay maybe sort of intended). Or maybe it's the lack of someone to smile at and say good morning to first thing, or to cuddle up to and say good night. It's the constant daily reminder that you are doing this on your own. For me it's all of the above but also just not having someone to talk to my day about. Those little things that made you laugh throughout the day, the annoying meeting you had to sit through with the religious lady who is constantly trying to save your soul for Joseph Smith, the student that literally tried to walk out with a 26in Mac like I wouldn't notice. It's the mundane that I miss. That I long for. The boring nights at home-together, the talks about each other's interests, the tv show you have to wait on the other person to watch the next episode or you have committed the ultimate relationship sin. 

I know everyone always says that you can't be happy with someone else until you're happy with yourself. I think I disagree with that. Why can't you grow into that happiness together? If I'm with someone who makes me happy, and I them, then won't we both start to be happier with ourselves? Does that translate? I feel like it's hard to make sense of what I'm thinking with that. But that's how I feel. Such a huge part of me is loving other people. Is crossing oceans for people just to be sure that they are taken care of. While yes, I will agree, it takes it out of me sometimes to not have people pouring back into me, but I don't believe that means I should stop. I have such a heart for helping others, and believing in others, and loving others, that it doesn't even cross my mind to stop when someone doesn't show gratitude. But that stands to be different in a romantic relationship. I think there needs to be just as much give as there is take in that, otherwise you end up with one person feeling resentment for the other never even asking how their day was. Been there, done that. It's not the way a good relationship works. 

There have been quite a few days lately where I have cried over the hopeless pit of loneliness. Where I have put expectations on people and they haven't met them and I get hurt. People are not here to meet our expectations. Some people will never meet them. This fear almost pushed me into getting married this year to someone who was a good good person, but whom I just did not love like he deserved. I think I was blindsided by the truth that someone could truly love me again, and I began to talk myself into settling for a life I didn't totally want because I enjoyed having someone around again. I missed the 10 minute after work phone calls just to say hi real quick, I missed having someone ask about my day or how I was actually holding up. I missed arms wrapped around me from behind and late night chats about anything and everything. I missed the things I used to have so much that I was willing to be with the first person who gave me those things. Loneliness. It makes people do some crazy things.  

I believe that at 28 years old I am allowed to be picky about who is in my life. I don't make excuses or lie about it if I drop you out of my life. I don't hide my feelings- good or bad. I'm at this point where I am just tired out. Navigating this messed up "dating" world we live in now is definitely not on the top of my to do list. Give me someone I already know, instead. I have zero interest in going on awkward dates and getting to know all about someone new only to not see them again. That sounds exhausting. Give me a kind, and sweet, bearded (tattoos are always nice too), man who will drink tea with me, and go to the park, and maybe even a museum now and then. Who understands my dark humor and sarcasm but also cracks a smile at all my dumb jokes (even when he hates them). Who will introduce me to new things, who will love my girl as his own. Who wants to move mountains and cross oceans for me like I will for him. Who will go to the local breweries and movie nights with me. Who won't make me do all the driving all the time. Who doesn't judge my past and isn't intimidated by it. Someone who will meet me in my silence when my world feels scary and navigate it with me. Someone who reminds me that they love me. Who is trustworthy and wants to introduce me to his people and his interests but also wants to know mine. Someone who isn't trying to be my hero, I don't need that, but someone who wants to be my friend for life (*someone who wants to be my friend with benefits for life) haha). [1. I realize I just explained almost all of the guys in my life // 2. My spotify playlist is on shuffle and there's literally 2000 songs on it-- and "My head hurts" by Wavves came on. I try not to buy into "signs" from the universe or whatever, but that one was like a slap in the face ;) lol ]

For the first time in my life, I don't understand how to do life. Things are falling into place and out of place at the same time. I have to start thinking about what state I want to live in, if I want to live in an apartment or a house, if I want to commit to a few years or a lifetime in one place. I have to start thinking about Maggie and schooling and health benefits in each state. Not MS schools but not OH for her health. Do I make these decisions for myself and what I think is best or do I listen to and take into account everyone else? This is where I miss having a second half, someone to talk through all the pros and cons with me, to help me make big decisions. I'm starting to realize I don't have time for games. Dating after 30 is like "Are we doing this or not, I got things to do." Same goes for dating at 28 with a kid, a full time job, in grad school, and trying to find something somewhere that makes your life feel worth while. I want to have someone to pour into. To support, to laugh with, to travel with, to do all those things you do with another person. But I also don't want to settle for someone who doesn't meet most if not all of those things. I will be fine on my own. I am fine on my own. I provide for myself, I clean my house, I cook my own food (correction: I can cook, I just don't unless I have to haha), point being- I'm not looking for someone to wait on and be mother to. I'm looking for someone to do life by my side. But even then, I'm not really looking. I'm truly not in any real hurry. I'm dealing with the weird struggle of feeling alone in a big scary world, and if someone comes along and tells me I'm beautiful and calls to talk about my day, I might bat an eye their way. 

[and now M+M's by Blink 182 is playing. really, universe?]

blahblahblah

Nothing profound to say here today. I'm just typing. And the grammar and structure are awful because there is literally 5% effort being put into this. They are drilling again outside my office. Or moreso inside the ceiling, so it's like it's in my office- and it's too loud for music, too loud for work. just too dang loud.

I am officially registered for my grad classes. That is exciting and something I never really thought about doing. I have a love hate relationship with school. I love to learn, I hate having to sit through lectures. And math. I hate math. I hate math as much as I hate spiders. And that's a large amount of hate.

I often do free online courses from Coursera just because I like the learning. I am aware of how nerdy I can be. But I don't think there's anything wrong with being educated. And if it interests you, why not keeping learning about it? My uncle just retired from National Geographic this week, 43 years. I have always thought that was the absolute coolest thing! All that he has learned over the years, all the traveling they've done-- never stop learning what you love! He is a definite inspiration to that idea!

I'm always texting my friends rando science stuff. I know they don't really care. And usually they just ignore it. Every now and then they'll ask what something is or to explain something, but very rarely do they ever actually open the article I sent. hahaha it's okay, guys. Someday someone will care about listening to what I care about and letting me talk about it like I let every. single. one. of you. talk about your stuff. No guilt trip or anything ;)

Today is the first day back for students. Fall is always so nostalgic for me. For all my first days of school in Ohio, to my first day of DTS in Nashville, to my first days of College both in MS and in PA and now in TN. I miss walking around campus to my first class in the chilly weather. Headphones, hoodies, and soon, boots, scarves, and hats. I don't miss walking around campus in a foot of snow though. But I miss the coffee dates, the late days at the school library, the smell of fresh fallen leaves and the cold wind on my face. I miss walking to my car in the evenings and going home to curl up on the couch with a warm cup of tea and a blanket (and is there is a person to curl up with, they can be included lol) and watching tv and doing homework for the evening. This time around school will be much different. For my third degree, I am going to take online classes and when I go home it will be to wrangle my kiddo, get her a bath, potentially get a text or two out to some people, finish some homework, long for the easier days, get to sleep at a decent hour and do it all again. I will greatly look forward to the weekends and holidays off from work.

Now for the drama you all so eagerly bite at:
In response to my last blog post: YOU GUYS. I truly can't believe the amount of messages I got from people about days you would re-live, take back or go through again. SO MANY absolutely thought provoking things. Thank you for sharing them with me! I mean often you all comment on facebook or message me, but the response was almost overwhelming! so many secrets, I felt like I was running my own personal Post Secret  page for a minute! Thank you for letting me know you're all reading, and listening! I mean, I can see the amount of readers I have (and the countries, and it's wild some of you who read this!), but it doesn't mean much until people respond. I am hoping for some of you, you get to relive those wonderful days. And for the ones filled with regrets, I hope you someday learn to let go of those, and for the mistakes made-- that you will know you lived through them and you're better for it now, and that you too, will learn to make the best of life from here on out.

Also in response to the last two blogs: I had more than one or even two people message me asking who I was talking about-- if it was them, if it was so and so. Only one person had it right, and I was 95% sure he never read this thing. So oops on me. There are reasons you people of the internet world don't know who he is, and I don't talk about him in real life. Not any good reasons on my end. But probably some on his. But also there's not really anything to talk about. I come and go between being something he needs in his life, to being an option when he's bored. So that doesn't say a whole lot of good things to outsiders. But if there's ever been one person I've actually kept my promise to always be friends with, it's him. This thing goes both ways. And that's our business.  ;) But I love you all the same. Even you who we haven't talked in years and then text other friends I haven't talked to in months asking if they know about my life-- you just make me giggle.

I have a hundred different thoughts in my head right now, and none of them are even important. so anyways, here is to another fall, another school year, another day to make new life choices. I'm excited to get home, curl up, drink some tea and wait for the rest of the adventures life will throw in my direction.

Xoxo

No regrets, just life

The other day I was asked "If you could go back and redo one day, 24 hours, what would it be?"
So I asked a few people. Some of the answers were as to be expected - "the day I left home" "the day I got in trouble" "the day I met so and so" "the day I didn't turn around and say what I felt." All the answers seem like movie answers. Looking for ways to romanticize our lives with the "what ifs" and could have beens.

I have a couple different days I can't decide between. Three actually. All 3 of them would have led to such incredibly lives for me. The first would probably be the day I came home and decided I would move across the country with my parents. They bought a house while we were on a vacation to Nashville. We came to the Memphis area for TWO DAYS in which they ended up buying a house. and being approved for the loan and everything went through in like 6 hours. It was wild. But I was a Junior in HS at the time, and in the end they gave me the option to stay at a family members house and finish out highschool, or move with them. I decided on a Wednesday, and my last day of school was a week and half later, Friday. I moved the next day. I absolutely love the life I lived years 16-19 down here, but what if I had stayed? I honestly have no clue who I would be. Would I have actually stayed in and finished (I left school at the end of junior year (i did end up with a diploma though) and traveled--my next what if)? Would I have ended up married to my high school boyfriend? Would I have been involved in my church? Or would I have fallen into the party scene as so many tended to do at that time? I can honestly say I have no clue what my life would have been if I stayed in Ohio.

When I was done with HS, a year early, at 17, I had a wonderful group of friends down here that to this day I attribute who I am to them. All the late nights, heartache, long drives, river runs, fireworks, favorite favorites days and friends-- I have never had a time I enjoyed so much in my life. But that same year, Hurricane Katrina hit. I live in Mississippi. Northern MS definitely didn't get it like southern did, but it hit home. I had to help. So I signed up to go for two weeks. But right before that time hit, I decided I would go join a missions school in Nashville (we still went down and helped) and that was 6 months. It was a great turning point in my life. My 2nd what if is what if I would have said yes to staying another 6 months and doing the second year there? I had always wanted to, but being home with my friends again was just filling that hole in my heart that missed them all so much. So at 18 I said no and kept living my life. Had I stayed? I probably would still be in YWAM doing missions work all over the world. An entirely different life. Probably not sitting here listening to Britney Spears' new song. lol

My last one would be this: I won't ever say I regret my marriage, it was a choice I made that at one time was good. But I didn't really learn much from it. Maybe just that when your intuition is right, follow it. But I think it would be the day we decided to go on our first date. It was such a perfect and fun night. But had I just been paying attention to my crazy Microbiology teacher going on about the Queen Bey's clothing options, instead of texting well, I might have got a better grade in there. But had I not been angry at my best friend and trying to be busy without her, I wouldn't have asked him to hang out, and had we never hung out I don't think we ever would have. I wouldn't have changed my mind about going to Univ of Southern MS for Marine Biology. I had been accepted into their very highly esteemed Marine Bio program and was set to leave in 3 months. When you start dating someone you've been talking to as friends for a while, you do it sort of knowing that it's like an "all in" type thing. Like "if we're gonna mess up this friendship we better go big or go home" sort of thing. So we went big. We took the dive. We started hanging out every single day even just for 5 minutes to say hi. After a month and half, me (I guess) foolishly thinking that we could make a 5 hour difference work, I ultimately made the decision to rescind my application and not move. I know the choice was mine in the end, but he asked me to stay, so I stayed. Now, 7 years removed from this decision, we should have seen the red flags in our lives. We were so young. We were so naive. I don't like to think about this decision, because the past is the past. And when you get to thinking about the what ifs, it just makes you crazy.

There are so so many things in my life I might take back if I had the chance to do them over. But I don't have the chance. So when my best friend says "you should have never moved, got married, lived with them, done that degree, bought that dog, car, whatever" (I promise she's a lot more supportive than that makes her sound)-- I can't help but get mad and say "DROP IT." The past is the past and we can't change anything that has happened. But we CAN learn from it. We can change our lives now, we can work harder, do better, make better decisions, stop to think something through. We have 1,440 minutes a day to change our lives. We can get up from our jobs we hate and literally walk out right now if we want to (I don't advise this, money is needed for life). We can pick up the phone and call or email or text the person we haven't talked to in years over some old grudge. We can do the same just to remind an old friend we love them. We can literally make our lives anything we want. So instead of thinking "if only I could do this again" what if we start to live our lives in the positive-- make the new days what you wish the old days were like.

However, I want to hear your thoughts! If you could redo any day, a full 24 hours, what would it be?

Don't bother reading this it's pointless

I've long held this belief that your significant other should be someone who can be your friend, your lover, your helper, your guide, your calm in the storm, your secret keeper, your needs filler, your complete person. I've held this belief because in my previous relationships, that's how it was. We did everything together, we had the same friends, we did the same things, I often just gave in and did what the other person wanted because it was easier than conflict. But your SO can't be everything to you. They just can't. That's too much pressure for one person. I've been on both sides of that argument and now I've really been reevaluating my thoughts on relationships and SO's lately. As I think about the men in my life over the last 5 years, I am realizing just how very different they all were. are? have been?

The first was good until it went bad. We we talked for months before going on a date, then went to exclusively dating. We had mutual friends, so we were able to do almost everything together. We loved each others interests and hobbies, we were happy to paint houses, do yard work, or just hang out at home or go to a movie together. Eventually it turned into the same date every Tuesday night, one worked full time while the other stayed home and worked on school. We lost our want to hang out, we lost ourselves, both of us, in trying to make the other happy. We built a friendship first, which I think has still carried over to this day. The good, the bad, the ugly, we are still friends, all heartbreak and hardship aside. We share a child together. We had a good life together. And just because that is over now, doesn't mean I don't enjoy him any less. We may not be in love anymore, but we still understand the sarcasm, inside jokes, and general hilarity of the last 7 years.

The next was a quick romance, we started out as dating there was no friendship before hand. We lived in different places but we were in constant contact. We hung out every other weekend, we always went and did big things, things we've both always wanted to do. We would stay in sometimes too, but more often we went out. We had fun and good conversation. But there were some concerns, red flags if you will, that I spotted for myself early on. I tried to say we were both overlooking things in each other, but in the end there were somethings I just couldn't shake. He was exactly what I thought I wanted when we started dating, but I realized that it wasn't what I wanted at all. The whole constant contact thing- when I was younger was maybe a thing I liked, maybe it showed to me they were interested in my life or cared enough to know what I was doing... but as I've grown up, to me, it's just...smothering. I talk a lot. I like to talk. When I don't know someone I like to get to know all the things about them. I think I have interesting stories so I tell them back. But there is just something different about someone needing to know where I am every second of the day, when we are just dating- not living together, not even in the same town, vs. just getting to know everything about them, that is a little too much for me.

I love sweet things- flowers brought home every now and then, dinner and a movie, holding hands. But I've learned that even though I think the cute stuff is sometimes necessary and let's me know my guy is thinking about me, I believe that it's not in the THINGS that can be bought, but it's in the good morning texts, the afternoon phone calls, the "You're beautiful" compliments or the "you're doing a good job" affirmations. It's in the "hey, I want to take you and your kid to the park but I also want to take you to the park *wink wink nudge nudge*"

There is a want for down to earth in my life. I understand that when the love bug hits, it can hit hard. But as a 28 year old divorced mom, I don't have time right now to keep my head in the clouds.

Which leads me to the next thought. I started "talking" to someone not too long ago. It started as a friendship and somehow, maybe we were both in vulnerable spots, or maybe it's really something (I'm not sure yet), it turned into this sort of...thing. But we lead different lives. We work, we have responsibilities at home, we have plans, goals, and lives aside from each other. But instead of trying to move mountains ourselves to make our lives match up, we sort of agree that we just need to wait and see what happens. But on that note-- He started his game strong-- every day with the "good morning, beautiful" texts on our ways to work, cute little  reminders throughout the day that he was thinking about me, he would talk to me about what he was working on, he would tell me he missed me, we would have actual conversations about actual stuff. His mind is so creative and beautiful. I'm aware of how corny and poetic that sounds. I could honestly just sit and listen to him talk for hours. BUT- he isn't much of a talker. He is pretty much emotionally unavailable. He gets sucked into his hobbies or responsibilities and I might not hear from him for an entire day or more. But when I do hear from him, (time for more poetic crap) he calms my storm as much as he starts it. But whatever this thing is, it's not just about finding someone to be with, it's about finding a friend to go through life with, that is and has always been there for you. I have no doubt that he would be a little more available if we were actually in a relationship, but right now we aren't, and I'm not positive we ever will be, I hope so, but I'll take what I can get. He may not always ask how my day is (which can be rough when I just want to talk to someone about my super crappy day), but he often asks how Maggie is doing, or what we are up to. He does try, maybe not always as much as I would like, but it's there. However, after a few months now, he will still talk about the future, but he no longer tells me I'm beautiful daily, no longer likes my posts on Instagram (I'm aware that's not actually a thing to be hung up on, and I'm not), he only sometimes tells me good morning and lately so many of his texts are one word answers. One day he seems into it, the next it's like we've never discussed a relationship. So in my opinion, it's clear that the bus stops here. Which is a hard pill to swallow. I really think this could be something, but I think it's clear that for now-- we are on two different bus lines. So, back to the waiting to see what comes. Que sera, sera. (I'm only 95% sure he doesn't read this blog, but if you do-- hey, homie ;) now you know.)

When I think about my life in the future, I do see someone in it, doing life with me and Maggie. Someone who will go to the park with us, who will hold my hand and walk around down town with me, who will encourage the things I believe in and want to do in life, but also someone who has his own life to live. I don't have the time to be babysat, or to babysit. I don't have time to bicker over the friendships I have with people who were my family for 7 years. I don't have energy to waste on someone who won't put energy into me, who won't make time for me. I am looking for someone to walk beside me, to compliment me, to help me along. I'm not looking for someone who wants to try and "save" me. In the wise words of "Rent"-- "I'm looking for baggage that goes with mine" (I just really think that line is so perfect, because we all have baggage, but it's how we choose to carry it that makes all the difference).

I guess I'm looking for someone in-between all of these things. Someone who can hold educated conversations with me, who can pick my brain. Someone who can be just as sarcastic to me as I can be to them. Someone who goes out of their way to make me laugh or smile when I'm having a rough day, not just say "oh I'm sorry."Someone who doesn't try to run my life, who will meet me in the middle on the big things in our life. Someone who doesn't try to speak for me, but let's me be my own individual. Someone who, to put it simply, matches my efforts. I think that I'm just looking for someone to accept me how I am, and I can accept him, and there's not any trying to change each other, but there's a mutual effort and happiness and understanding of our lives. A friendship but not a complete total reliance on the other person. Does that make sense? I guess this is what modern day relationships are. And I feel lost in navigating this world all over again. But I know the unicorn is out there.

Happy Birthday, Maggie Jean!

Two years ago I was anxiously awaiting the arrival of little Maggie Jean. She was estimated to be 10 lbs (!!!) so we scheduled a c-section for August 15 (her due date). On Friday August 8 I went to the doctor in the morning and he said he wanted me to have her that weekend! We didn't have anything prepared at the house -- David was in the process of staying elsewhere until I moved, but we were also packing my things so that roommates could move in with him once I left (so we didn't pay to break the lease since he stayed in PA for the next year). We didn't have any space set up for Maggie, I hadn't even finished payroll for the week at work! I just remember that being such a whirlwind of a day. So I went to work, luckily it was slow - the workers were all "laid off" for the week as production was slow, none of the bosses were in, just me and a couple of the guys. I finished payroll and typed up a manual for whoever was going to take my place, paid and filed the last of the bills I could do, called our contractors and emailed work sites to let them know I would no longer be there after today, and said my goodbyes. I went to the grocery store on my way home and got some last minute things I thought I would need and went home to organize and try to get as ready as one can possibly be to have a baby!

Saturday went by fast, then Sunday came. On Sunday we went to the hospital prepared to meet our little girl that day. The doctors checked me in (if you live in ERIE, I truly suggest going to UPMC, it's beautiful!), and the waiting game began. They gave me my first dose of cytotec (to start labor basically) and it didn't do anything but cause contractions. I had contractions all night, and about 4am they gave me a second dose. Maggie was nowhere to be seen around 8am, so the doctors (the same who said to have her this weekend) gave me two options, I could go home and wait it out or have a csection later that day. I was moving in two weeks so we opted for that day. after 7 hours of waiting in a tiny recovery room with my mom and David, the doctors finally took me back.


I had a spinal block, which was terrifying. But as soon as they laid me back, we were ready to go. David came in and literally it went like this:
D: "hey, how are you?"
Me: "scared, this is scary. how are you?"
D: "I'm ok. excited. nervous..."
*Cue Maggie crying*
It went SO FAST. David went and scooped her up, showed her to me, then they were back out to our room (I hear D wouldn't let my mom hold Maggie because he just kept hugging her and taking pictures lol he was pretty excited)





Things got interesting here. They had a shift change in the middle of my 5 minute surgery. WHAT? So the count got off on some needles.... so they had to call radiology to make sure they didn't leave one in me...WHAT?! So I was in there for about 40 minutes when a nurse called to make sure all was ok, she noticed I wasn't with my family and didn't want them to freak out. The doctor went and sat down and turned on Pandora for me to listen to and the sweet little nurse just talked with me to keep me from being bummed out that my kid was already 1.5 hours old when I finally got to see her! Anyways, They did xrays twice and I finally got to go see my girl and all was well in the world.
Born at 2pm, this 6lb (not 10!!) 21 in long beautiful girl would forever change our lives.

We lived in PA for 2 weeks, then moved to MS. It has been the most exciting, tiring, love-filled, stressful two years of my life. But I wouldn't trade her for anything in the world.
Happy Birthday, my sweet girl.


    





*Pretty much this exactly

Maggie's Godmother, Dad, Me, and My Brother - Her Godfather at her baptism.

whatevs

11 pm on a Friday night. My kid has been asleep for a couple hours, what seems like the only person I talk to is MIA (but probably sleeping), and I just decided to list my wedding ring for sale.

Talk about a fast week. I don't even remember Monday, I thought today was only Wednesday when I woke up. I feel like I'm just waiting for my life to begin. Like I'm stuck in this same lonely boring cycle waiting for something to happen. I am only talking about myself here. I know I have Maggie. I know she is growing and excited and we live every single day through the eyes of her two year old adventurous mind. She does keep me on my toes.

But for myself, where does my life start? My life is going, now, yes. But for whatever reason I feel so behind. I will be starting grad school in the fall (though you'd never be able to tell from the grammar of this post), my girl friends and I are planning a trip to Hawaii for our 30th birthdays, and somehow all the guys in my life are making me insane in all the different ways men make women insane. So from the sounds of it, I am right where a 28 year old should be. But it just seems like something is missing. I can speculate. But to be honest I don't completely know what it is. I don't completely know because I don't completely know what I want with my life. I want a family, I want a good job. I want happiness. I think that's what's missing.

This morning every single stupid meme on the internet was just hilarious to me. I was laughing until I was crying. But I felt empty inside. It's such a strange, weird feeling to laugh but feel...dead. I don't normally feel this way, but today I did. I have this literal ache in my soul for missing a person I never intended to miss, I had to ask my Ex about something which just opened a new can of worms, and I listed my wedding ring for sale. Today I hit every single emotion in the book. And I don't have anyone to talk to about it. (Cue where I miss having a significant other or best friend who is on my side).

At the end of the night all I can hope for is that I can find happiness away from relationships for the time being. That I can learn to be patient when I want nothing more than to curl up with someone and laugh at this ridiculous show I'm watching. That I will find and rekindle good friendships with good women. That at a young age of 28, I won't feel like my life is at a stand still, a never ending cycle of boredom. That I will just believe that in the right timing, everything will fall together exactly how it should.

As for the ring, I have mixed emotions. It's a beautiful ring, but I will never wear it again. So, I hope it sells fast, and that will be the last piece of that part of my life to go.

I know this is sort of all over the place. I guess I used this as my journal tonight. I should probably start writing one of those again. I'm sure that will never happen.

Sweet dreams, blogosphere, Thanks for listening.

(p.s. if you're interested in seeing (or buying!) the ring: https://www.etsy.com/listing/469189227/vintage-white-gold-diamond-ring-size-9 )

milestones

The last year has been full of so many ups and downs. My faith has strengthened and wavered, my friendships have come and gone, my dating life has been a wreck, and my sweet girl is now almost 2 years old (this might be the hardest pill to swallow). If you had told me this time last year (and even still some days now) that I would make it through, that I will be okay-- I may have rolled my eyes and said "yeah, okay."

But yesterday I put air in my tires on my own, for the first time. I killed an actually pretty big spider hanging in my living room. I put money into my savings account. Paid all sorts of bills I never even thought of 10 years ago (I now owe only 1/4 of what I paid for my car!). And at the end of the night I tucked my girl into bed, read her a story, said our prayers, and we both went to sleep knowing that we are being taken care of. That we have a good car, a roof over our heads, I can work my job and send her to a wonderful sitter, and if she wants the Minnie mouse toy at the store- I can actually afford to buy it for her.

These are the little unnoticed milestones in the rebuilding of a life. I will admit, there are days when I can't see a light at the end of any of the tunnels, but when I really stop to think-- I had a major life setback, that wasn't a product of my own choices -- we are doing just fine. Given, we are doing this okay because we have wonderful, supportive, and helpful family and friends. I wouldn't have made it through the last year without them, and that's a fact.

At 28 years old I truly had a different vision for my life. But when I think about what that vision was, and while I don't necessarily condone divorce, I see so clearly that D and I were on different paths in life. I will never regret my first marriage, but I can only hope that everyone involved in the terrible destruction that it was will learn and grow abundantly from it.

Today I am meeting with Profit/Nonprofit Administration degree program department head to discuss starting my Master's degree in January. This is definitely a 180 from the degree I so passionately wanted to pursue when I started college. I began in Biology, Marine biology (will always be the first love of my life). When I met D, we decided to move to PA which happens to be nowhere near an ocean (yes, I know there is Lake Erie, but that's not the same). So I switched to Earth Science, which will stay a constant love and interest until I die. This is where having children and being on your own changes everything-- I know some people will say to never give up on your dreams, but Maggie is part of my life's dreams, so I am choosing her over underwater cave diving, standing on the edge of volcanoes, and discovering if the Megalodon shark really does still exist (I'm not convinced they don't). I have always had 3 very different things I have wanted to do in life- Marine/Earth sciences, wedding planning/ owning a hall, and helping others- open a sort of shelter, get on your feet, cater to the under-served people of our city country. So today I meet with these advisers to take the first step in the only one of those three jobs that (seems to me) will give my life some meaning. Something worth while. A legacy to leave behind, a place and a hope that people can believe in. A Dream Center (See this link if you are interested in seeing where my mindset is with this place). I believe there is so much more we as people can do for others, and I believe we need to do it, no questions asked.

One year ago I knew I would make it out, I would find the other side of the grief, the loss, the depression that was so desperately trying to make me sink under. I was more hopeful in the midst of the pain than I am some days now. But now I know, without a doubt, that my life is on the right track for me and my girl. As I take this time to spend it bettering myself and in turn - our life, just getting to know who she is becoming - and getting to know this new me in the mix, I am confident that all the gaps will be filled in with the people and things that are supposed to fill them. I am sure that even when I don't speak to Him for days at a time, or some weeks only to tell Him I'm angry- that God is weaving together our perfect plan. I praised Him through the entire wild and crazy storm of the last 3 years, I need to remember to keep praising Him now, while everything is slowly but surely falling back into place.

So this week marks so many milestones in my life, small and big. I hope this date won't forever be ingrained in my memory as the day I got divorced, and I'm sure it won't. But hopefully I can remember it from now on as the day I decided to change my life from what was, to what can be.

Que sera, sera

"There are days I want better for us, and days I'm content. There are days I want to be alone, and days I want to spend every minute with her. There are days I hope she will get to know a complete family unit, and days that the thought scares me- for myself. Motherhood is messy. It's scary. And it's always changing. Being unsure isn't a sign of weakness though, I think it's a sign of strength. Of knowing when to walk away, or when something is good enough to take the chance. Of putting her well being before mine, and making sure she never questions how much I love her" (can you guys just look at those cute little pudgy fingers of hers, those little hands that get into absolutely every. single. thing. she can touch. I wish time could slow down just for this year). 

I've sat here for literally 6 hours today trying to think of what to write here, and there have just been 18 million thoughts in my head, but none of them seem good enough to warrant telling strangers and friends about. But what I think I will do is go off of my personal instagram post from this morning. 

Not only is motherhood a messy, scary, constantly changing affair-- it can be quite terrifying when doing it on your own. The days I am content are of course, the easiest, but they are few and far between. The days I strive to make a better life for my girl are definitely the most stressful, but also the most surreal. I know I have it better than so many other people, but I also know that deep in my heart of hearts I want this little girl to experience a life so full of love that she will never question if her parents considered her in their divorce. Does that make sense? It really takes a good soul to join the ranks of parenthood- especially when joining those ranks as a step parent. It takes someone who truly knows what that means to step into a roll to do life along side of another parent. To get along with the other families and parents involved, to put the kid(s) first when it's supposed to be about them, and to support the parent when the ex is driving them insane. 

While I haven't quite found this person yet, I stay hopeful. I know that not all dreams come true, but I also know that God grants us the desires of our hearts, as long as they are in his will. And I just can't believe that a loving God would take me on the road I have been on, for this to not be part of His will. 

Lately I really took all the thoughts I had about my life, and threw them out the window. I met a wonderful man, who was every characteristic I thought I wanted in my life, and broke up with him because I realized he wasn't what I needed in my life. I've very recently let myself get all carried away in the feelings game for a guy, and I would be happy to do life with him, but there are so many different factors that said life seems to be putting in the way of that being a real thing. And if that means we just stay friends, then at least we will have that. And for right now, I am okay with that. Que sera, sera (Whatever will be, will be). 

This post could end here, but I am going to address a second issue that sort of plays into the one of finding the right person for you and your family. Ladies, when a man quits pursuing you, let him go. Learn your worth. Appreciate your worth and find someone who values that. Who even if you're being silly, or in a goofy mood, won't call you stupid for it, but will grin and bare your quirks. If you have kids, someone who will be okay with you taking time out of your evening to sit with your child and read bedtime stories-- or even better yet, who will read them with you. Someone who will sit with you when the entire world feels like it's crashing in, take your hand, and be on your side through it all. Someone who truly thinks you are beautiful and that you think the same of. Who uses their actions to show you they care, not just their words. Who picks your mind- that you can have silly, serious, political, philosophical and just plain weird conversations with. Find someone who the friendship is so strong that if the love fades, there will still be years of friendship left. Find the person who pursues you, who makes you sane and insane at the same time, who makes you want to be wild and innocent at the same time. Find someone who compliments you, who grows you, challenges you, and loves you just as you are. 

But even more than all of the "wise" words I can impart on you, I say this: never be afraid to take the chance. If it is what you truly believe to be right for you, don't let the opportunities, relationships, or adventures pass you by. Life is worth the living, and the scary, messy, unsure roads only make us stronger.

Que sera, sera.

Monday

I had a really good blog written out, but then it got to this point where the next paragraph was either going to be super blunt, or super whiny. So away went the whole thing and now you get this:

When people are in need, and there is nothing you can do to truly help, the best thing you can do for them is pray. Whether or not they believe in the same God you do, or at all, sending "good vibes" doesn't mean anything, because generally, people don't even keep the person in their thoughts. Prayer is intentional. It is committing to sit down and think about and pray for this person in their trying time. Being intentional is a great sign of love for other people. And loving other people is one of our commandments as Christians.

God has brought me down a road I never in a million years saw coming. But through that, I have been able to bless more people more often- both in my works and my money. And I have learned, as I hope others do too, that God is doing far more behind the scenes than I even realize. I will never know the amount of fighting for me that has gone on, even when I don't feel like He remembers me at all.

I encourage each of you to find some way to help out, to volunteer time or money to a cause. It doesn't have to be a big production. It could simply be a friend who needs birthday or christmas gifts for their kids, someone who needs help with some groceries, a ride to the doctor's office, a cup of coffee and conversation, or even just a hug.

We never know what someone is going through until we reach out and ask. That person who seems so happy might be going through the hardest time of their life. And the hardship could be of their own doing, or someone else's against them, but no matter what- it is a hardship, and as fellow humans, friends, believers- we need to carry those burdens together, with each other and with Christ.